I have figured out why Jews run Hollywood and make all the movies. Christians suck at it.

In recent months, I have seen Dinesh D'Souza's "America", some obscure thing that barely was in the theaters call "Alone Yet Not Alone" and now, the latest and greatest adaptation of the Christian book series that starts with "Left Behind" by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. I am starting to think that mainstream Hollywood makes Christians out to be idiots in most TV shows and movies, because that's the only experience they have of Christians in their professional circles.

“America” was marketed, to my understanding at least, as a sort of alternate history docu-drama. It was not. There were some interesting points made in response to the notion that America is singularly guilty of collective immorality or misbehavior in foreign affairs and racial issues, which is a point I can get behind. I always like GK Chesterton’s ridicule of Decataur’s famous toast, comparing “My country, right or wrong” or saying “My mother, drunk or sober”. But guiltless or not, it’s not like anyone has behaved any better, and few nations have ever demonstrated our collective determination for moral self-improvement. But of course, D’Souza could not leave it at that, and we get a conspiracy theory type of propaganda screed about Obama as the personification of the anti-America attitude, who is plotting with Hilary Clinton to tear America down to a third world country.

The other film “Alone, Yet Not Alone” preferred to shove into the background the story of spunky kid enslaved by Indians who led several companions to freedom and went back with the militia to liberate the rest. Instead, they decided the more interesting story was of an insipid girl with no agency, who just went along with her captives, then her liberators, sat out the expedition to free the slaves, but when looking for the sister she lost as children, found her by singing their family’s favorite hymn. That was pretty much the whole extent of anything of religious interest in the film, but it was enough for the Bible-thumpers who made the film to focus on the girl, instead of the action hero, whose love interest had a far worse ordeal than the female protagonist.

This is just some background to explain the context with which I viewed “Left Behind”. I am generally aware of the scope and material on which it is based, and years ago, read like the first half a chapter in the library before rolling my eyes and ditching the book. One element I recall which was ditched from the movie was how right before the events of the story, the USSR had attacked Israel only to be thwarted by supernatural events. Yeah. Kind of dated. So they went with the other aspect of the plot, the airline pilot who is exasperated with his wife’s recent devotion to Christianity and is tempted to have an affair with one of his flight crew, when the Rapture happens midflight.

This, at least, was a proper movie. It had actual actors in it, with Nicholas Cage as the star, and a bunch of recognizable TV actors, too. There were a couple of people from "Scrubs" (the Australian med student, playing Cage's love interest, and the dwarf janitor, who all but steals the show), Fred's father from "Angel" and Chad Michael Murray of "One Tree Hill"...I hesitate to use the word 'fame', but you get the drift. Anyway, the Rapture happens, as I am sure most people know, and the good-but-not-good-enough-guys have to deal with the aftermath of family members, coworkers and fellow passengers suddenly vanishing on them, leaving behind empty clothes and jewelry. Now obviously, this was merely the first book of a considerable series. But do they really think they are going to get to make the rest, and that if they do, they will get it done in any reasonable time frame? If you want to tell your Rapture story, DO THAT. Don’t give us an airplane in danger film, in which the Rapture is just the McGuffin event that triggers the plane’s peril.

I can’t help but compare the initiation of this series with that of “The Walking Dead” which had its own share of creative problems, but hooked a lot of people fast, by SKIPPING the initial apocalyptic event. That show followed a comma patient who awoke and was introduced to the zombie apocalypse in media res. We didn’t have to watch characters trying to treat bite victims, and torturously work out the rules by trial and error. The character gets some exposition to brief the audience on the particular rules of this zombie apocalypse, and we get on with it.

Instead, “Left Behind” does a disservice to its story, by having too much of it taken up with characters figuring out what happened, and the mechanics of trying to land a Rapture-decimated plane safely. As a result, the Rapture itself and the characterization both get short shrift. We don’t get to find out much of the details or rules, and we don’t get to see characters trying to figure out what it means for them personally or how to deal with their circumstances.

Now, my personal belief about the Rapture is that it is not going to work anywhere like the popular representations. Also, if it does entail taking all the good people in a state of Grace, it won’t take that many. The thing is, among the many people we see left behind, are those who only transgressions appear to be “being virtuous and devoted to God, but Muslim”, being a dedicated pastor who inspires faith and devotion in his clergy and does good work, but doesn’t believe deep in his heart and is just doing a job. Most of the main characters, including Cage’s Ray Steele, his daughter Chloe, Murray’s investigative journalist who is Chloe’s love interest, and the stewardess Ray is pursuing (she didn’t know he was married) are reasonably decent people, who would not be considered immoral by the standards of most movies, except maybe Ray who nonetheless tries to make peace between his daughter & wife, as the former resents the latter’s religious preoccupations, and defends his wife’s religious extremism. Actual quote “If she had to leave me for another man, I’m glad it’s Jesus.” While not excusing adultery, such a situation would incite criticism of Mrs. Steele among any of the very old-fashioned and hard core, rigorist-fringe religious communities with which I have been affiliated.

So we can take away that being nice and carrying out your external religious duties is not enough to get Raptured, but gluttony is not a deal breaker, as a morbidly obese man shoving chocolate into his mouth on the plane gets raptured. Also, sincere devotion to the God of Abraham is also insufficient, as such a Muslim is left behind. Which makes me wonder where Catholics, Orthodox, Mormons & Jehovah’s Witnesses fit on that scale. If the Muslims don’t get in, who honor Jesus, I’m pretty sure the Jews who killed Him are also shit out of luck.

Another tidbit is that every kid short of puberty also gets enraptured, down to newborn babies (which, as a Catholic, makes me wonder what the point of Baptism is for a Protestant). Which leads to the question, did fetuses go too? That is, after all, the basis of Christian opposition to abortion, that there is no moral or spiritual distinction between a fetus and a newborn. And considering that at least one romantic relationship seems to be going forward in the face of the Rapture (and with the size of the book series, it seems like the world is going to be here for a while, giving plenty of time to take it to other levels), does that mean that subsequent pregnancies will get Raptured as soon as they are initiated?

And then as far as afterlifey stuff goes, is there any point for the survivors? Do they have a chance to repent and atone or are the doomed to be damned? Should they try to keep going and fight whatever worldly manifestations of evil arise, or take it as their due punishment? If going through the motions of religion is not enough to get you to heaven, does being inspired to true devotion by the Rapture of your congregation give you a second chance? And how fair is that, for all the people who died and went to hell without getting the miraculous wake-up call that the Steele family’s pastor got? I seem to recall from the story of Lazarus and the rich man that Heaven isn’t big on cheats and second chances like that.

Anyway, it seems like there could have been an interesting story there, if they had not decided to waste an entire movie with a mundane plane crash story and a girl wandering around through riots and civil disorder (BTW, I know lots of cops: the Rapture will NOT leave many police departments shorthanded – keeping a lid on even fewer people should not be all that hard), wondering where her little brother went.

I understand that the priorities of some people might be on their religion, but is it that really an excuse to tell a bad story, or a good story badly?