Up from the depths, 30 stories high, breathing fire, head in the sky. Gozilla, Godzilla, Gozilla!

Ah Godzilla, King of the Monsters and movie icon, back for another go at the Hollywood treatment. Godzillas first Hollywood effort was of course the widely derided 1998 film, where criticism ranged from the script to the actors, the comedy, the americanisation of the story, and of course the biggest crime off all as far as fans were concerned...the new look Godzilla, tailored for a new audience and looking a lot like a cross between an iguana and a T-rex. Personally I thought much of this criticism was unmerited, yes the script had bad moments, and some of the casting decisions were terrible, but all in all it was a decently paced action disaster movie which knew when to be action, when to be comedy, when to mix the two, and knew better than to actually try and add any weight to a story that served no purpose pother than to get a giant lizard to destroy a city. This analysis of the first hollywood attempt will become important later.

Which brings us to 2014, 16 years later, Hollywood's attempt to correct a perceived mistake ( which still raked in almost $400M in box office and gets played every month on TV it seems). It's been quite a wait (something you should learn Spiderman), and the first thing you need to accept is you will be waiting for a while longer. Because this movie, there is no other way to say it, is slow, and by slow I mean sloooooooow. There is some action and even some monster glimpsing in the first half, but it's really quite dull, uninteresting and well, not action like. We have a lot of talking and an attempt to create a back-story (one of the more plausible in an implausible monster movie kind of way), which fails to really hit the nail on the head. A lot of attempts at moody sequences, which fail, a lot of character 'building', which fails, I couldn't even tell you the main characters name I suddenly realise, or anyone elses for that matter. A lot of monster glimpsing, which fails to be either as intriguingly vague as Cloverfield, or as menacing as Jaws, it's mostly just annoying. So pretty much an action movie without any actual exciting action, there is some action, it's just not exciting. Now this isn't necessarily a problem, one need only look at Independence Day to see a movie which beautifully balances story, comedy, characters, menace and a big bad through a first half which ranks as one of the finest in blockbuster action movie history. Unfortunately Godzilla achieves none of this, it's just really boring, dull and muted, in story as well as in display.

But that's okay, once the action kicks off and Godzilla starts tearing cities apart it'll all be good, yeah? The payoff will make it all worthwhile, that is the beauty of Monster/Disaster movies, yeah? Well, i'm afraid not. There's no easy way to say this, Godzilla fails when it comes to action. It's a giant turkey of an action/disaster movie.

There are so many failings I just don't know where to begin, but briefly:
- The Director seems scared to keep the camera on Godzilla, he isn't the star, the 'star' actor whoever it is, is the 'star'
- I care not a jot about a single character in the action, don't underestimate how important that is in an action movie
- The explosions and destruction has been done bigger and better by any number of other movies from Independence Day to 2012 to Pacific Rim, they all top this
- The Director attempts to give Godzilla 'character', he fails
- The use of numerous plot devices to get to the action are painfully obvious and absurd
- The dramatic sequences are truly laughable, I know this as everyone was laughing in the cinema, and they weren't meant to be
- The actors all mail in their performance, every single one of them, it's like you're watching a clog convention

I cant go any further without hitting on spoilers so i'll stop. There is one important point to make though, Godzilla, back to looking like Godzilla (which i assume is not a spoiler as it's been impossible to avoid the model the last few weeks, and I tried), does it work? Well, remember when I said the 1998 analysis would become important, here it is. You see, I'm now convinced that the 1998 movie hit on a simple truth, if you attempt to SFX the orginal Godzilla, which was nothing more than a man in a badly made rubber suit, then guess what - you end up with a 100 story high $100M special effect...that looks/moves a lot like a man in a rubber suit. Now dont get me wrong, it all looks very realistic for what it is, but you always have that rubber suit in the back of your head. And so why did the 1998 movie change things? because maybe they realised it had to change to not look patently ridiculous. Godzilla in Japan and around the world is a movie legend, but it's a legend built on a man in a rubber suit doing a highland fling on an alien planet. Fine for post pub entertainment, terrible for summer blockbuster on the big screen. The 1998 movie got it right, and this 2014 movie quite frankly makes Hollywoods previous effort look good.

I have no doubt it'll still make a fortune at the box office, and I note that Rotten Tomatoes et al have decent scores up. I can only assume this is from desperate fans who want to celebrate the fact that Godzilla looks like himself once again (they really dont like that 1998 model), and movie reviewers who want to look cool by agreeing with them. Either way, the summer blockbuster season is not off to a great start. Lets hope Xmen can save the day in a week or two.

Godzilla, more like Godawful.