This isn't something I'd normally be thinking about while watching a quite well-done action movie, but the most recent People magazine cover just invites these comparisons (and Gwyneth Paltrow comes out second to every actress in Iron Man 3, including the burn victim, and barely beating out a nurse in scrubs and a haggard middle-aged barfly). She is literally the ugliest woman we see Tony Stark sleep with in this franchise, and wears the least flattering clothing and makeup to boot(again, not something I am usually aware of, but I couldn't help but notice how much she looked like a vampire that a. needed a napkin, and b. was trying to keep her bat-wings from exploding out of her jacket in her first scene in the movie - a good rule of thumb: If I, Cannoli, am aware of an actress' makeup, she's wearing too much or wearing it wrong). I actually laughed out loud when Tony Stark uttered the words "You're not hot" to her. Hell, she's not even the most beautiful woman in her immediate family. Her mother Blythe Danner is on a level above her (as well as the actress who played her daughter in the "Meet the..." movies).

And this is only continuing from movies where they put her up against Scarlett Johanson, or the reporter from the first two movies. I can't help but think that maybe she was left out (despite there being a blonde reporter prominently appearing in a key scene that triggers the action portion of the movie) because Paltrow's people or the studio execs or whoever arranged for her exaltation in People so close to the movie's release, were tired of her suffering by comparison. I certainly have enjoyed Leslie Bibb's work (Talladega Nights, Midnight Meat Train) much more than anything Gwyneth Paltrow did that did not feature superheroes or her beheading. In the first movie, Pepper Potts was a glorified secretary who was catty and obnoxiously insulting to a reporter who is good enough at her job to provide Iron Man with more intel than SHIELD in the two movies she shows up in. She indirectly even calls this successful professional woman "trash" for the apparently scummy behavior of sleeping with Tony Stark before marriage...which Potts also ends up doing. And they have yet to give her any real justification as a human being or significant character. She's mostly just the damsel in distress in the final act of this film, after behaving horribly to a combat veteran exhibiting PTSD symptoms.

Over the course of his three prior movies, Tony Stark has had several near-death experiences, been badly wounded at least once, requires a pacemaker to stay alive, was made a prisoner of war in Afghanistan and enslaved by Muslim terrorist fanatics, forced to improvise a weapon to escape, seen friends get killed, and fought in a large scale war, in which he made the conscious choice to sacrifice his life only surviving through fortuitous circumstances over which he had no control or influence. The difference between him and a US soldier or Marine with a similar list of experiences? He had no training or institutional support system, the last point of which is actually played for a joke in the post-credit tag. And somehow, it never occurs to his cohabiting girlfriend to treat him as anything more than a jerk and a pain in the ass, and complain about his coping mechanism, which, incidentally, turns out to be crucial to his triumph! Contrast her whining about his compulsive suit-building and tinkering, with another character who snaps him out of a panic attack by telling him "You're a mechanic, go build something." And it works. So it is entirely possible that the suboptimal mental state he is in at the onset of the film, has been exacerbated and compounded by the bony selfish harpy who is hostile to his finding release in his work, and wants him to destroy all his armor. I should also point out, that while Tony is demonstrated to not only be committed to their relationship and indifferent to other women, she spends most of her first scene flirting with (a euphemism for "panting over" )a man of whom she had been conversationally dismissive, mere moments before he shows up in improved physical shape with a better haircut and wardrobe. She's also a bit of an obnoxious bitch to Jon Favreau, who is pretty much proven right about nearly every single thing, but apparently has never been taken seriously by anyone in the history of ever, except Tony Stark.

Also, while waiting for the interminable credits to finish rolling to see the inevitable tag, I couldn't help but notice that listed in the credits were two "stylists" for Paltrow, one "stylist" for Downey and a "groomer" for Don Cheadle. Seriously. The black guy has a "groomer," while his white co-stars have "stylists". I have this image of Paltrow sitting in a chair with fruity types fussing over her hair, Downey in the next chair flirting with a woman cutting his hair, and Cheadle standing in a tub of water while someone rubs him down with one of those brushes that has no handle, just a strap that goes around your hand.

And speaking of Paltrow getting on my nerves, and Cheadle being in this at all, if they can replace Terrance Howard in the franchise, why not HER? She's not all that big of a star - I can't think of anything else she's done recently besides these movies, so it's not like her star power is a draw.

I am actually starting to wonder if there is some sort of inverse correlation between the attractiveness of the leading actresses and the critical or fan success of a superhero movie. The most lauded film in Nolan's Batman trilogy had Maggie Gylenhall. The most criticized had Anne Hathaway. The Fantastic Four, which sucked butt, had Jessica Alba and a Maria Menounos cameo. Spider Man had Kirsten Dunst, who peaked at 16 and now looks ridiculously baby-faced, an awkward-looking Russian girl and Clint Howard's niece. The less-embraced reboot had the marginally superior Emma Stone, and upgraded the Aunt from a decrepit crone to Sally Field. The original Superman films had Margot Kidder, and the last one crashed with Kate Bosworth. Now they seem to be taking a step backward with the reboot and Amy Adams being snottily dismissive to an alien's explanation of his cultural symbolism. The Tim Burton Batman films had Michelle Pfieffer and Kim Bassinger, but compensated by mutilating supermodels and making jokes about Bassinger's weight. The Schumacher films went from tolerable with Nicole Kidman to atrocious with Elle McPherson & Alicia Silverstone.

The only exception to this rule appears to be Avengers, but I consider the key plot point in that to be the fact that Cobie Smulders and Scarlett Johansen are real characters. More importantly, they are not, either one, anyone's love interest. The only chick who kisses anyone in that film is .... Gwyneth Paltrow! QED. Cannoli out.