It’s baa-aack. Amazon’s Lord of the Rings:Rings of Power’s second season has returned. And because I have undertaken the neverending battle for truth, justice and marginally competent storytelling, I am giving my on the spot reactions to this trainwreck stunning and brave desecration adaptation of Tolkien’s work. Hell, it might be good this season.

Don’t laugh. It could happen.

Episode one

00:10 Ah yes, remind us that Galadriel’s brother Finrod “gave his life hunting Sauron”. For the uninitiated out there, Galadriel’s brother was the ruler of an elven kingdom he founded, build in underground caverns that were so impressive that his dwarf friends gave him the cognomen “Hewer of Caves” or Felagund, out of respect for his skills. He was also the first civilized elf to meet humans and he befriended them. When a battle against the forces of evil turned against the elves, one human leader actually rescued Finrod & his forces from disaster and Finrod gave him a ring as a pledge of eternal friendship and any aid the human or his kin might need. Year later, after their realm was overrun and his father killed, the ruler’s son, Beren came to Finrod asking for help. He had been given an impossible quest by another elven king and so he was calling in his dad’s marker. The population of Finrod’s kingdom objected to his going along on the quest, stirred up by Finrod’s cousins (one of whom was the father of Celebrimbor) so Finrod cast down his crown and went off with ten companions to help his human friend. They got captured along the way by Sauron, who was known as the Lord of Werewolves. Finrod and Sauron had a magic-music duel and Finrod matched Sauron’s power, until Sauron brought up how his father’s family betrayed and murdered members of his mother’s family and Finrod lost the moral high ground and they were all thrown into a pit, where werewolves came every day to eat one of them. When it was down to just Finrod and Beren, he burst his chains and killed the werewolf with his bare hands and teeth before dying of his wounds. And the ring he gave to Beren's father, Barahir, remained with their descendants. Grima Wormtongue describes it to Saruman in The Two Towers movie. It is literally the oldest ring in LotR.

This is 800 times better than anything and everything in Season One of LotR:RoP. What they chose to replace it with, was Finrod just dying while hunting Sauron, and Sauron branding his body with a clue to the location Sauron intended to restart his kingdom after Morgoth’s downfall, and Galadriel taking up Finrod’s crusade, as symbolized by his dagger, and epically failing in more ways than I would believe possible. The show seems to believe that Sauron returned and his scheme for an orc homeland succeeded in spite of Galadriel’s heroic best efforts, rather than largely because of her blindness and obstinacy. And then she didn’t tell anyone the truth about Sauron, but encouraged and aided the continuation of his plan to gain dominion over the Elves.

01:16 Ah, yes. The not-Hobbits, whose protagonist is the uniquely spunky, adventurous and rebellious female member of their community whom no one listens to. Quite unlike the elves or men of the Southlands or men of Numenor on this show. I forgot what a nimrod Nori Brandyfoot is, how she repeatedly tried to frame the Meteor Man hobo as a dangerous menace. Such as dragging a child under a branch Meteor Man caused to fall, or the time she randomly grabbed him while he was concentrating on a spell he went off by himself to work and then he was blamed for her injury. This is the only way I have to interpret her stupid actions, when the show wants us to accept that she is the smart one of the bunch and she is the one whose judgment should be trusted. Either her judgement is catastrophically bad, or she is doing this shit on purpose.

01:57 Gil-Galad says that if the Elves leave Middle-Earth it will be the end. Except that was the happy ending of the trilogy of movies that made this who setting so popular, the Elves leaving Middle Earth. Is it a good thing or not?

02:30 WHY did Sauron need a locking mechanism on his volcano-ignition plan? A lock is to prevent unauthorized use, but why does it matter that the right person activate the plan? What even were the logistics of that plan? He built the damn with a locking mechanism and made a shadow lightsaber that acted as the key, placing this lock in a watchtower, which, after the defeat of the forces of evil, was occupied by Elves who used it as a base while keeping watch on the local human population, because they had fought for Morgoth in the old days. In centuries of vigilance, the Elves never questioned the presence of an evil-made dam or examined the Morgul-saber-shaped keyhole in their own HQ, directly beneath a carving of Sauron. They also failed to notice, during the last days of their occupation, a massive and visible trench being dug by the orcs, and after they were recalled, managed to all get kidnapped and put to work digging said trench. Despite the gross negligence and incompetence of their captors, they failed to escape with their one attempt getting most of them killed and the sole survivor sent off as a messenger to the local human resistance. He was given all his armor and weapons and used them to prevent the same faction of orcs who set him free, from capturing the kid who had the Morgul saber. Everything about this plan, from the plan itself, to the execution, was completely moronic.

03:09 That exchange of glances between Elrond and Galadriel indicates his awareness of her guilt and malfeasance in the matter of “Halbrand”, except there is nothing in support of this, other than his possession of a royal genealogy of the Southlands. And no one here in Eregion was acting like Halbrand was the King of the Southlands, since all his attention was focused on Celebrimbor’s project, so really, that scroll should not be some sort of smoking gun or incriminating evidence.

It’s worth noting that Celebrimbor needed Sauron to advise him of the concept of alloys. The greatest living smith and craftsman in Middle Earth has never heard of steel, bronze, brass or pewter.

04:21 That looks like a shot of a different actor, who just identified himself as Sauron. Also the subtitles say he is Sauron.

04:32 Okay, this is the beginning of the Second Age, in Forodwaith. We are retroactively justifying Galadriel searching for him here in the last season.

06:30 So Sauron is making a speech to the orcs about his grand vision for them and what he is going to do, and the orc are grumbling. He’s a godlike entity at the peak of his powers, with nothing and no one in Middle Earth matching him. He does not need their votes, and they shouldn’t even be capable of opposing his will. The fact that they can, or that he needs to persuade them, means that the writers now have the burden of having Sauron come up with a way TO persuade them. And they are not good at that.

Also, Adar is constantly looking all butthurt at this and Sauron killing the orc who tried to stab him in the back.

07:22 That looks like a different actor playing Adar, and the way this scene plays out, with him raising the crown and hailing Sauron, while facing the orcs, suggests that Adar is their true leader, and his acquiescence is how Sauron obtains the allegiance of the orcs.

07:31 Why is Sauron kneeling to accept the crown from Adar? Do the writers understand NOTHING of political symbolism? This is not Tolkien stuff, this is basic principles of human society. They have not done the legwork to fall back on the excuse that orcish society works differently.

07:38This is taking too long. I would be real coronation ceremonies don’t hold the crown over the monarch’s head for this long, especially if they are not saying anything.

08:36 So Adar uses the spike on the crown to stab Sauron and the orcs jump him for a prison-shanking. This feels like they are trying to just cover the backstory given in Season one, where Adar claims to have killed Sauron and Sauron is all butt hurt about losing his home or whatever. So I guess all the experiments and whatnot that Galadriel found the remnants of, were things Sauron did on his own before trying to get himself crowned as king of the orcs. And they are not explaining where he gets the doohickey that indicates to Galadriel that he is the rightful king of the Sourhlands.

09:19 This has been like half a minute of just Sauron lying there while Adar looks at him.

10:05 The death of Sauron unleashes a powerful discharge that freezes the terrain outside, insta-killing a tree, but Adar and the orcs, standing around him, are only mildly inconvenienced.

10:35 Just his clothes are left. LOL, Adar. You couldn’t win. You struck him down and he become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

11:04
Orcs: Hail Adar!
Adar: My children, you are free.
Orcs: Hail Adar! Hail Adar! Hail Adar!

Let’s desecrate Tolkien AND “Life of Brian” in one scene!

12:25 Sauron’s blood has trickled down into this un-thematically sunlit cave, where a rat is sniffing around. Is Halbrand-Sauron going to be a transformed RAT?

12:29 Okay, it looks like the blood-blob just consumed the rat, and now the centipede, for sustenance, but it’s too late. From here on, we will be watching the rise of SauRat.

14:01 In daylight, this reminds me of the homicidal toupee from the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode.

15:59 Is SauRat looking at that campfire and thinking “Hey, these are rather useful when they give off heat. I’m going to have to add that feature to the fires of my new realm!”?

17:21 So, SauRat is just walking along and he meets a refugee caravan, whose leader is wearing the symbol doohickey that will have Galadriel believing Halbrand was the heir to the kings of the Southlands. Which means the refugees have fled all the way up to the Northern Wastes, or Sauron has wandered down to the Southlands. How long has all this taken? Did the line of the kings of the Southlands die out at the beginning of the Second Age? Why are the orcs making war on their people? If they won, where are they when Season One started? If the orcs were making war on the Southlanders, why was the Elf-garrison if Ostirith, including our hero, the Elf with a thing for the distinctively dressed heroine of the Southlands plot, and I canNOT remember his name. I am just going to continue my practice of last season of referring to him as Mori (short for Moriquendi). So, again, why were Mori and his friends keeping a suspicious and heavy-handed watch over the people who had been attacked and displaced and their kings slain, by the orcs? If they are still under suspicion, why does Galadriel think returning their king to power would be a good idea?

And didn’t this dirty old guy look like he was making the comment “fortunes can turn for even the most powerful” a BIT more pointed than he should, unless he has read the script and knows this is SauRat?

18:30 And just like that, the refugee column has passage on a ship … to where? They talked about a land over the sea to make a fresh start, but there is nowhere over the sea where Men are allowed to go! Unless he means Numenor, which was canonically the homeland of their ancestors’ enemies, granted to them BECAUSE of that enmity, and in this show, has been shown to be extremely unwelcome to outsiders. And I guess SauRat wandered Middle Earth for centuries in rags, until he came upon the people who inspired him to set out on the sea voyage where he will meet Galadriel.

But where did our refugees find the resources to commission a ship to take them across the sea, or book passage? How or why are there ocean-going ships and crews who will take them across the ocean, when there cannot be any trade between Valinor and Middle-Earth and Season 1 insists there was none between Numenor and Middle-Earth?

19:40 I can’t help but notice that both SauRat and this refugee leader, are keeping their facial hair at the exact same not-quite-a-beard situation, regardless of the unavailability of soap or clean clothes. They can’t wash up or change, but by the Valar SauRat WILL keep his stubble at just the right length and the refugee leader will keep his mutton-chop sideburns just so!

20:18 SauRat snatched the symbol doohickey because he has it in Season One. No other reason, no on-screen motivation. One minute, he’s warning the old man to grab hold of something, then he sees the guy is pinned under a beam saying “help me” and he ignores his pleas, to snatch the bag and leave him. One second the guy is important enough to him to warn him to hold on, and the next, SauRat will just steal his symbol and leave him to his death. WHY?

21:35 And here we are. The sea monster recognized him as Sauron and decided not to eat him, so I guess its repeated smashing of his sailing craft is the big clutz trying to play with him?

22:07 Opening credits. More than 15 minutes in.

22:33 This looks like Elrond and Galadriel and it looks like she’s trying to grab a pouch from him, that jingles. Because it has rings in it? Is pouch-stealing the theme of this episode?

22:41 This majestic sweeping music doesn’t work with a tense action scene that they probably want us to be all concerned about, because it’s a conflict between two such close friends.

23:58 None of this makes sense. Elrond just vanishes from her sight and suddenly there are guards are standing around when she rides up and they are arresting her on Elrond’s orders. How? Why bother, when she is following Elrond?

24:10 Elrond was carrying the rings back to Gil-Galad. These rings were made in a facility built under the patronage and authority of the High King, and Elrond was sent there on the High King’s authority to facilitate the project. He is doing the right thing here, by taking the rings to Gil-Galad! So why is Galadriel trying to stop him?

24:13 And now she’s trying to tattle to the king against Elrond, as if he’s done something wrong. Why would he come running straight to Gil-Galad if he was intending to conceal the rings from him?

24:42 What language are they speaking? The subtitles say she switches to Sindarin. That is the language of the Elves! What is she speaking when it sounds like English? Sindarin is their at-home language! There is nothing else three Elves would be speaking among themselves!

And why is she switching right now? Is she trying to hide her words from Elrond? Why would he not speak it? Unless they are confusing Quenya and Sindarin, which is STILL dumb, because if there is one person in this trio who MIGHT not speak Quenya, it would be Gil-Galad.

25:00 Who is this and what has he done with the twit calling himself Gil-Galad in Season 1? Finally, someone is calling Galadriel on her bullshit, which, frankly, is how all the dialogue in this show goes. But he’s pointing out that she is clearly trying to deceive him about something and evading giving a proper answer.

25:32 Okay, Galadriel says “Halbrand” has been wearing a fair form to hide his true self. Quick question for the androsexuals still around here – is Charlie Vickers such a fair form that you’d never guess he was the guy getting all Ides of Marched by Adar and sons?

Also, Galadriel is the girl who cried Sauron. Her interactions with the leadership of this kingdom in the prior season were all “Sauron, Sauron, Sauron” while they ignored and tried to dismiss her claims and ship her off to Valinor. And now she turns up with some guy who isn’t what he claims to be, and after much evasion and obfuscation, when pressed on his identity, she comes out with “Sauron.” It feels like someone should be reacting with “Bullshit!” or “Oh, for Gilbereth’s sake, this again?”

25:40 Yeah, I think that’s where Gil-Galad is going with that “ahhhk” that the subtitles claim is still Sindarin.

25:56 Elrond is correct. Galadriel was blinded by her own pride. And I hate that this is how they are portraying Galadriel.

26:01 And now she’s spinning it back at Elrond, that everything is his fault because he failed at Khazad Dum. For the record, he was set up to fail by being sent in blind, and in spite of all that, won over the crown prince and got him to help mine mithril, until they nearly caused a cave-in because of the instability of the mine and got kicked out by the king. Last we saw of the Dwarves, the prince had not given up their cause and his wife seemed to be encouraging him to go against the king. Elrond’s failure was due to nothing more than geology.

And his failure did not in any way compel Galadriel to bring SauRat to Eregion and introduce him to their top smith. It seems like she is coming into this meeting to argue for and defend the rings, and is making that argument, which no one has yet taken the opposing position. The only way you can read her accusation of Elrond is that she is talking about the rings, as if she is being criticized for making them and she is defending herself by saying there was no other method left available to save their people. Bitch, the issue is your working with SauRat all this time! Which would not have happened if you had stayed on the damn boat these guys put you on!

26:03 And instead of a coherent argument, all Elrond can say is “You were my friend.”

26:50 “It is a risk we must chance to take” Dumb people trying to write fancy dialogue. And they have not made clear how all this rot afflicting their trees means the Elves have to leave. Especially to the degree that they need to use the rings to combat it, over Elrond’s very astute and canonically correct objections.

27:28 Why this switching to Sindarin?

28:18 So now it’s going to be a hunt for Elrod plot this season?

28:45 And now SauRat has gone back to Mordor. Where he, or at least his Halbrand identity, is know to the locals.

29:05 Waldreg! Glad to see you’ve come up in the world! Probably going to be a victim of SauRat’s taking over from Adar. Or maybe he’ll be the instrument of that takeover. He came Adar thinking he was Sauron, and his people didn’t seem too thrilled about being subject to non-humans in the form of their Elven watchers. He just might prefer an equal-opportunity oppressor like Sauron to the Elf who has such a paternalistic attitude toward the orcs.

29:46 This is absolutely a different actor playing Adar.

31:32 SauRat’s plan is to get Adar and the orcs to attack Eregion to stop Galadriel and Sauron from making super-powerful weapons against them. And Adar is harder to manipulate than Galadriel and Celebrimbor.

32:20 So Adar is keeping him prisoner, with beatings that don’t appear to mess up his face, in the hopes of torturing everything he knows about Sauron. And reassuring the orcs that Sauron can’t possibly return.

I don’t see where he’s going with the whole “let my people go” routine.

32:32 I guess this is Meteor-Man.

34:10 So Meteor Man is having weird dreams and visions and Nori wants him to share them so she can help figure them out. There is absolutely no reason to believe this filthy Hobo Hobbit could remotely have anything to contribute in that regard, but of course she will, because plot and writers’ pets.

And we have Mad Max stuff in the deserts of Middle Earth

34:58 Is he going to make the petrified trees flower again, or try and fail?

35:25 Farther, not further, you fucking morons.

35:33 That vegetation in her hair is utterly repulsive.

36:18 The subtitles say he is speaking Quenya. I’m not remotely an expert, but you can hear more ay sounds, which seems right. And the show is aware that Quenya is a thing, but they also have the elves randomly speak Sindarin or not, instead of going with the conceit that English is Sindarin and then use Quenya for effect.

38:22 Nori & Not-Sam used to SING so the animals they ATE ALIVE “would have music to dance to when they…” and she trails off. From what Meteor Man says, she trails off because she is missing Not-Sam, and her home and whatnot, but the initial reaction is that she is realizing just how creepy her statement sounds, until Meteor Man ruins it. This only supports all the memes about the Harfoots being vicious little Darwinian cannibals.

41:49 Is Gorthaur, the Lord of Werewolves, going to win over this thing by sharing food?

43:44 This old fart is supposed to be Cirdan? Also, “perfection exists only in Valinor”? A. How would he know, he’s never been and B. it doesn’t, because Valinor is part of the world, which is marred in its making. But back to the issue of his age. What is going on here? Why is he all old and wrinkly? I know he’s one of the oldest Elves known to be in Middle Earth, but you know who the second oldest we’ve seen is? Galadriel. They both predate the sun & moon. So why isn’t she showing some age? Of all the Elves on this show who don’t look like Elves, he’s the worst offender.

47:26 What took Galadriel so long to come up with this insight about Elrond and what he would seek? Why wasn’t it the first thing they considered when sending out search parties?

48:23 Every word Elrond says is correct, both objectively and the sort of thing that makes sense for him to think. I am just astonished that they are having him say it, and not only in place of Galadriel, but in opposition to her!

49:20 Ulmo, not Manwe, would be the one who knows how deep the crack in the sea goes.

49:52 Given how she has cocked up everything else, why is the king giving her the chance to reason with Elrond? As established entirely by the on-screen material so far, diplomacy & persuasion is the furthest thing from her purview.

53:14 Oh. Joy. Not-Sam. Just what we need. Double the Harfoots.

55:35 What exactly is the facial expression that means you are looking like you’ve been here before?

1:01:06 He’s going to have the wolf-thing kill you. Waldreg. These writers are too obvious for anything else.

1:06:35 Where did everyone go? There was a much bigger crowd when Cirdan came in.

1:07:07 I just realized, Cirdan must be Numenorean. The sea knocked the ring back out of his hand and into the boat, and the sea is always right, so we’re just going to go along with Sauron’s scheme. Never mind that Ulmo would NOT be going along with this plan.

1:07:51 This is a new forge, and Celebrimbor is hoping the rings worked so he has time to use it. Is this the thing he was building with the help of the dwarves last season? I got the impression that was what they used to make the rings. And it’s already obsolete and they’ve built a new one? Why?

1:08:18 So now Halbrand is posing as an emissary from the Southlands. What’s the story? He wants rings for his own people to hold off the orcs? And maybe they will make rings for the dwarves to stop the cave in issue so they can get back to mining mithril?

Two other episodes dropped with this one, but I need a break.