In the year and a half since I have owned a cell phone, so far, that is every single damn one of them. I had to shut down my phone on election night, because I had to be up at 4:30 AM the next morning, and I was included without my request or permission in a group text that produced ABOSLUTELY NOTHING of value, simply people mentioning returns and results to an audience that, by definition, could just as easily find them out for themselves, since the group text was only going out to people with phones! I had the stupid thing buzzing every couple of seconds, and the next morning there was not a single message worth even the effort of picking up the phone to look at.

People use these stupid text messages as if it is a conversation, but no one has the option to walk away. When someone goes to the hospital or something like that, we get updates, which is good, and a reason to keep the phone on, so you don't miss anything, but each update is accompanied by half a dozen buzzes, which you have to check out just in case it's relevant, but it's just a bunch of banal messages that make you wonder just how much intelligence is actually in your gene pool, and were you maybe eating toxic waste without remembering, because you FEEL like you're a functional adult human being, who is emotionally secure and sensible, but it appears that every other person to whom you are related feels the need to validate themselves with pointless affirmations. When your father is moved out of the ICU, being glad is the default emotional response! Everyone with an ounce of affection or even mere Christian charity toward you assumes you are glad. There is no need to send a pointless text message saying "I'm so glad!" Also, God is both omniscient, and not in the SMS group, so there is neither any need or point to send a text thanking Him.

I am literally paying $45 a month for people to bother me. I am willing to accept the inconvenience of actually carrying the phone around, because there is a camera, clock, flashlight and map on it, and a Catan game that staves off boredom (especially for recitals and whatnot where literally 95% of the acts are not your niece and 100% are not good enough to be entertaining without blood ties). I could do just fine without the phone though.

Simple pleasures? On the other hand, there is the Pizza Hut app. There's going downhill on my bicycle. One of those bowel movements, flatulence episodes, belches or nose-blowings that leave your gastrointestinal tract or nostril/sinus unexpectedly clear and empty, in a "I didn't even realize how uncomfortable that was" way. Or when a migraine or cluster headache clears up and you just feel so damn good. Floating in the ocean down the shore, with just your head out of the water, just far enough out that you're entirely off the bottom, with occasional swells blocking out the beach from your line of sight, and no one else close enough to need to notice them and it's like you're totally transcending everything, because you don't feel the heat or your own weight or the effort of exertion or anyone else's presence.

Passing a baby to someone right before it pukes is another good one.