Journal: Entry for kazetaran

Down 15 lbs. Still grieving. Had a huge blow up with the husband last night and we both broke down because we were really caught in a deep grief wave. There are people who are watch towers in life. People who speak sense who can guide and advise and show you a path you never knew you could take. These people do all this and make you think you did it all on your own. I know my husband lost one of his two most powerful watchtowers. I know I lost one of mine as well. He will be traveling this week to be at the services for his dad. I am so angry that I can't go. Our oldest has been through a rough flu and we are still trying to catch him up on weakness and school work. His autism makes both so much more difficult a task. That is besides the cost of fly 4 people, and hotel, car, food. Taran needs up so have a hotel room so he has a neutral space he can recharge in. The money, the school, the kids, I still wish I was going with him. I'm angry. I'm angry because I asked him to tell his family when our family could get there together the soonest. He wouldn't, thought it was selfish. We have the furthest to travel, and have to pay the most to be there. I don't feel a small request before the date was even set would have been out of line. SO I'm angry. I get to grieve alone. I am a good Navy wife. I know how to wait. I know how to run our home alone. I know how to be on hold and holding my breath knowing my husband is out there doing difficult and important work. I support him. I am livid that I have to wait on this, I have to hear him on the phone in anguish without me there to hold him. That My boys won't be standing next to him to be his comforts. I became so angry last night that I shut down. I didn't even know I was angry until right before dinner last night. It was building that I was so sad I wasn't going, then I couldn't believe I wasn't going, Then I was angry. It is not easy being the family who is not present. We post about everything online to keep our families in the loop. We get no consideration for important family dates except "We hope you can manage to be there." I'm all about accommodations because that is all I can do, accommodate and change and be flexible when extensions and more extensions then open ended extensions happen. I'm frustrated. I know my family would consult me. I know I would be involved in the planning of something so important. I don't think they even know how much it hurts to be an after thought. No even a footnote. Not a how does this date fit for you, or how soon can you four be here to complete our family circle to grieve together. I'm pissed. We sacrifice a lot. I wanted to be there so see My dad-in-law celebrated. To hear the stories. To introduce his namesake to family coming into town. I want to be there to support my mom-in-law. To make sure she has everything she needs, wants, or could possibly bring her comfort. Like her grandsons. Yes, I'm angry and I'm sad, and I'm frustrated.

So yeah, the diet is simple. don't eat refined sugar, stay away form grains, root vegetables, and insulin spiking foods. I eat well. I eat good food. I make beef sauteed with spinach and tomatoes and olives topped with cheese with a big salad with avocado and couple cherry tomatoes and sunflower seeds topped with vinaigrette. I eat eggs and bacon and sausages. I drink coffee, and lots or water. I use real yummy Irish butter to cook in and to eat. I'm losing weight. I do not feel I'm limited by this diet. I feel like I"m learning a real proper healthy way to eat.

It is times like these when I realize as much as family love each other, we are all on our own to find happiness. I worry so much about all of them. I want to take care of them and be ther for them, but then this happens and I realize I'm not essential. and that hurts. Pity party table of 1.