Journal: Entry for The_Muted_Grimaud

So ... with my trip to Fire Island and the ballet today, plus the past semester of school, I've come to one conclusion. I really enjoy being out of my apartment. Not because I don't like being in my room doing stuff on computer or practicing or relaxing ... I just don't like being in THIS apartment when my roommates are home (which feels like always somehow).

I've lived with this couple (dating male and female) in college, 7 years ago we first met and moved in together. College was nice, I was really into social video games then and we played a lot together. Then I moved home for a couple of years and we all got into World of Warcraft together, so we met up a lot and did lots of gaming.

Then we moved to Jersey City/Brooklyn. We've been living in this city now 4 years, which kind of shocks me. I've actually been here that long.

I don't know where things went wrong though. When I first moved in with the male in Jersey City (the female moved in 6 months later), things changed. He expected me to blossom into a social butterfly, to get my act together and do all this music stuff, and mainly to meet lots of people, go to bars, get out there.

It didn't happen, I was clueless when I moved here, I didn't know where to go, what to do, ... meet people at random? I've NEVER (to this day) been good at that. Even now, everybody I know in the city I've met through school/job/previous acquaintance. I did a lot of walking, I walked all over New York City, Jersey City, Union City, Hoboken and even Bayonne once or twice (nothing there) ... jobs were hard to come by, my only experience was in a low end factory, I hadn't done anything musical in 2.5 years and didn't know anyone in the city ... so I was a loser with no hope at the time.

He got sick of it after a few months ... there was one point maybe 3-4 months into our tenure in Jersey City where he got really insistive and belligerent about me smoking a bowl with him, and I refused very adamantly ... that was basically the low point of that time. (I can make an entire post about weed and whether I should smoke it or not ... ) He got quite angry and I honestly don't feel like our friendship every recovered much from those months.

None the less, 6 months into our tenure, the female moved in with us and we found a new apartment in Jersey City. I also found out at this point that he wanted to keep me out of the new apartment, and she was the reason that didn't happen. Things improved for me from that point, I got job and managed to break into the restaurant/service industry, now I'm in school and hopefully on a better career path overall.

but our friendship has never recovered, I don't know if it will. He's still a heavy gamer, not world of warcraft anymore (we all dropped it), just older games. I stopped completely, I rarely touch games these days. (I've played Civ 5 for all of 2 hours since I got it a few weeks ago) ... I'm sort of rediscovering myself without games, because for 3 years or more, my entire social life revolved around video gaming, and now it simply doesn't, its a little difficult right now, but I have new friends at school and I'm slowly figuring out other ways of being, I guess.

But I hate being here, and I'm sick of living with him (her not so much). They've broken up, but she's still living with him, so that's stressful (fights, etc., for starters). He stays up way late watching TV/Video games till 3 or 4 am every night, always energetic, he comes home and its like a wave of energy hits the house. It's ok when its positive energy, but if she's here, its almost always a mixture of positive and negative energy, and if he's had a bad day its usually completely negative.

We're just different people, I have weirdly conservative view points and he's liberal, loves to talk about women in generally misogynistic ways, (What a pair of tits on that bitch! (this is one thing him and her have fought about several times)) ... ((Note: my use of conservative and liberal here is not political)) we have different values, different ways of living, different everything. If I wasn't such a laid back, easy going person we would've had a huge fight and probably have gone separate ways already. But I am who I am and I'm easy to get along with and a clean roommate who does his fair share of chores.


I want to change, in short.

But it's hard to say to people you were once best friends with and have been living with for 7 years (or most of that time) ... "hey, I know we've been through a lot together, but I want to leave and find my own place and start out in my own direction." It's so hard I find I can't just say it ... I don't even know how to get close to it.

Maybe this is more of a confession than a rant. :\