Journal: Entry for globug0822
If you were to create a "personal" hell for me...
Author: globug0822 Send a noteboard
Posted: 23/01/2018 05:15:58 PM
Views: 15932
It couldn't get much worse than my current reality.
Psychological torture only, mind you...
Of my 5 closest friends, 4 of them are pregnant right now. I know it's not particularly fashionable or feminist to say, but I have always wanted to be a mom... It's been my only enduring dream. I stopped wanting to be a doctor after I found out how much Math I'd have to do... stopped wanting to be a dancer when I started feeling fat... stopped wanting to be in the ministry when it was pretty clear I wasn't the "Married:Male" the job postings requested... but I never for one moment stopped wanting to be a mom.
It got to the point where I refused to touch or hold babies because I was afraid it would make it worse. I didn't talk about it because I was afraid it would make me look desperate to guys. I didn't talk about it because it was too painful to admit to anyone but my husband that my body was broken and wouldn't do what I wanted.
And what makes it worse is that the last 2 friends to get pregnant this round (for all of them it's not their first pregnancy) were so thoughtful and considerate... they both told me in-person and before they told almost anyone else because they knew it would be hard for me.
They didn't want me to have to read about it in a facebook or instagram post.
I have such great friends I can't even be mad. Certainly not at them.
But this is my own personal hell.
My love is gone and he's never coming back.
I am alone in a big house.
I am already infertile and getting older by the day.
I feel quite hopeless and alone, even though I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive family but... they are all going to go away. Either I die or they do... and nothing of me or my love will live on after I am gone.
Blergh.
Back to work, I guess.
That sounds really painful. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mom just because it isn't happening the way you assumed or expected it would. You can still be a blessing for a child or children who need someone like you.
Hugs.
I know what a big deal this was to you. I hope you do get to experience it someday, even if it might not be biological.
sends lots of hugs
I'm so sorry Glo. Big hugs.