Journal: Entry for Guinivere

It's been almost 2 weeks now, since I found out. Since then, not an hour goes by that I am not thinking about what he would be doing or saying or thinking. I remember and reminisce... I can't get that song out of my head, the one he told me to listen to to remember him if anything happened to him. I think about whether or not he would like a new movie coming out or a show, whatever. He won't be able to read the end of WoT or ASoIaF... that's really sad. He would have loved Game of Thrones on HBO also. I took comfort in thinking that he might have been watching that at the same time as me... now I know that wasn't true.

I truly loved him. I feel bad that I cut off even a friendship, but it's what I had to do. I had to do what's best for my kids. I think I would have been happier if I'd have made a different decision, but not my kids. They are most important. Nobody will ever really know how I feel. How can someone?

I wish I could go back... back to before he died, just to tell him how much I love him. I will never again feel the way I did when I talked to him. Nobody could ever be him. Nobody could ever have the same passion as he did. It's planted deep down in me, somewhere I can go to for comfort when I'm alone with time to think. I just hope that he knew. I can only hope. I cannot know.

Life can be such a bitch. Oh, the irony... the way things play out can be pretty crazy. Who'd have thought this is how it would end? It's like God had a plan all along. He put him into my life to show me what's most important, to MAKE me make that decision. I am stronger for it and I now know that my decision was the correct one, as hurtful as it was, as difficult as it still is to think about.

Then again, his time was cut short. Maybe I should have been there for him in that last year. What if he needed me?? But then, my family also needed me. That's a fact.


I miss him. It's been over 2 years since I was able to talk to him. I kept track of what he was doing, by way of others or by way of posts. I lurked. I just didn't dare get involved. I wanted him to be happy. If I'd have stayed visible, he couldn't move on. I would always be a spark of hope in the back corner of his mind.

I've kept myself so busy. I have bought or adopted so many animals to care for, gotten new jobs, volunteered more. It keeps me where I need to be.

Maybe I can write him into a book sometime, more than what I did with my first book and Von.

That is all. I just wanted to get some of these feelings out. Sorry if I took up too much journal space.

LaS