Not my own. My boss forwarded this to me. Cracked me the hell UP!
RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. (LD: This is so freakin true!)
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with
flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.
7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may
know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
9. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather hurt myself and try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
15. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
16. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
17. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't understand what they said?
19. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
22. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
23. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
24. Bad decisions make good stories
25. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
27. Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
28. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
29. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
31. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
32. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
33. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
34. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
35. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
36. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
37. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
38. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the Gspot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
39. My 4year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (LD: Get your monkey butler to clean up the mess?)
40. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
41. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
42. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
43. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner
RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. (LD: This is so freakin true!)
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with
flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.
7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may
know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
9. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather hurt myself and try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
15. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
16. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
17. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't understand what they said?
19. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
22. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
23. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
24. Bad decisions make good stories
25. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
27. Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
28. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
29. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
31. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
32. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
33. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
34. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
35. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
36. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
37. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
38. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the Gspot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
39. My 4year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (LD: Get your monkey butler to clean up the mess?)
40. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
41. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
42. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
43. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner
"I'll blow whomever I want, whenever I want, as long as I can still breathe and kneel."
-Samantha Jones, SatC
-Samantha Jones, SatC
/Humor: Random Thoughts
- 04/09/2009 07:09:35 PM
630 Views
Those are all completely awesomely true and hilarious facts of life. *NM*
- 04/09/2009 07:25:15 PM
133 Views
So many of these are excellent.
*NM*