1. Is smoking marijuana really worse for your mental health than being shipped off to shoot at Arabs?
Probably not.. but I haven't done either.

2. If you had to choose, would you rather 1) piss yourself on the bus or 2) tell your mom you're gay?
Urination.. it's over more quickly.

3. Wait a minute, wait a minute. . . who shot at Reagan?, I forget.
John Hinkley.. I remember when it happened, they let us out of school early.

4. You had an affair?, and now she's trying to kill us? How could you?!
Well, you see.. tab A goes into slot B..

5. Will you be staying with us for business or pleasure?
Both.

6. Jesus Christ, my family wants me & my brother to do Christmas Eve, and we're like. . how the fuck do you cook a turkey?!
You need to deep-fry the Turkey. Look online for instructions. Call the fire department in advance.

7. Where do you get a turkey?
Grocery Store.. or on the side of the interstate.

8. What goes with turkey?, like. . . potatoes and uh. . . What?
Oyster Dressing.. mashed potatoes with gravy.. collard greens.

9. What does turkey taste like?, is it kinda like chicken?
Yes.. but different.

10. Since my family tend to get excessively drunk at Christmas, my brother and I were thinking. . . maybe we'd get away with just serving booze, potato chips and dip. But what kind of dip says "CHRISTMAS"?
Seven-layer taco dip. For the seven days of Christmas.