It's not that there's anything "wrong" with them, it's more that as an introduction to a topic they leave something to be desired. I often find that for this type of a paper opening with a question is very effective. It gets the reader thinking about your topic and almost immediately engaged. Instead of telling the reader that the 50's were considered the golden age of marriage, show them.
Something like "When you think of an ideal marriage, what is it that comes to mind?" (You may want to replace the you depending on what level you're writing for and your teacher's preferences. I find that some teachers will really look down upon you if you address your reader directly in a paper, while others may encourage this type of writing.)
You can take something along those lines and work the rest of your ideas into it.
Also I'd elaborate on the unhappiness. Don't make the paragraph your essay, but make it a best of what's to come. Introduce your essay and introduce what you're going to be talking about. If they were unhappy because of rampant alcoholism, spousal abuse, and borderline slavery, then say so...this is where you say that, later on you can elaborate on each point and explain why you're right. Don't be afraid of a long introductory paragraph...in some of my longer papers I've had first paragraphs that were over a page long...if you need the length, take it. You're going to be punished harder for having too short a paper than you ever will be for having too long a paper (unless you're in a technical writing class where brevity is king).
Something like "When you think of an ideal marriage, what is it that comes to mind?" (You may want to replace the you depending on what level you're writing for and your teacher's preferences. I find that some teachers will really look down upon you if you address your reader directly in a paper, while others may encourage this type of writing.)
You can take something along those lines and work the rest of your ideas into it.
Also I'd elaborate on the unhappiness. Don't make the paragraph your essay, but make it a best of what's to come. Introduce your essay and introduce what you're going to be talking about. If they were unhappy because of rampant alcoholism, spousal abuse, and borderline slavery, then say so...this is where you say that, later on you can elaborate on each point and explain why you're right. Don't be afraid of a long introductory paragraph...in some of my longer papers I've had first paragraphs that were over a page long...if you need the length, take it. You're going to be punished harder for having too short a paper than you ever will be for having too long a paper (unless you're in a technical writing class where brevity is king).
What do you think of this intro?
14/12/2009 06:14:51 AM
- 643 Views
I'm not a fan of the first two sentences.
14/12/2009 06:42:10 AM
- 419 Views
Well, i know for a fact that he doesn't opening with questions
14/12/2009 07:02:03 AM
- 528 Views
Sentence fragments are unacceptable in technical writing. You need to fix that.
14/12/2009 06:51:05 AM
- 413 Views
I want to stick a wikipedia-style "who?" in there.
14/12/2009 10:53:02 AM
- 403 Views
That's actually how we're taught to write in American high schools...
14/12/2009 02:39:56 PM
- 402 Views
Part of my problem is that he hasn't told me what level this is for.
14/12/2009 03:04:40 PM
- 379 Views
Aye, but it's an intro.
15/12/2009 08:07:38 AM
- 348 Views
References should come at the first mention of whatever it is. *NM*
15/12/2009 08:42:27 AM
- 161 Views
It's simply an introduction, my citations and stuff come in a little later. *NM*
14/12/2009 08:49:15 PM
- 208 Views
I smell a strawman...
15/12/2009 02:25:36 AM
- 412 Views
well it was in response to a prompt which stated people call it the "Golden Age". My hands were tied *NM*
15/12/2009 02:20:54 PM
- 194 Views
Stylistically it needs a lot of work.
15/12/2009 03:28:24 AM
- 456 Views
Hell, with a critique like that I may start putting up my introductory paragraphs. *NM*
15/12/2009 04:37:53 AM
- 234 Views