I, up until this year, had never owned a cell phone before. A couple of times I bought a burner when going away on a trip or vacation, but aside from those incidents, I had never had much use for them. We got along just fine without cell phones so I saw no urgent need to get one. "But how do people get in touch with you?" is what everyone would say upon learning this about me, completely missing that the whole point is that they don't get in touch with me. All of human history, and the greatest accomplishments of mankind, were achieved without being able to get in touch with one another. Electricity, democracy, the Crusades and nuclear power were all achieved without cell phones. I have a perfectly functional memory, I have no need to take pictures of every little thing, and anyone who does not believe my verbal account of an experience without badly framed, low-resolution images to support it, is not someone whose good opinion I care to retain.

But when your house burns down, you need a phone somehow, and so I got a prepaid smart phone. I attempted to play along and get involved in all this texting bullshit with family & friends, only to have my brother take me aside and inform me that my (correct) use of punctuation was off-putting. There was a group texting session after my grandmother's funeral, where we were exchanging numbers with long out-of-touch cousins, only for someone to have been included in the group text who was a stranger with a slightly similar number, and who kept interjecting comments like "Who is this?" and "Please stop texting me." And I could understand her issue, since the constant buzzing every minute or so was getting on MY nerves, and I actually cared about the people in the conversation.

So I still don't see much good from carrying the stupid thing around, but it at least tells the time until I get around to finding a new watch I like, and that can be important when taking buses and so forth. So I have got in the habit of taking it with me whenever I go out the door. Also, people are more inclined to listen to my superior sense of direction, when I pretend I am looking things up on Google Maps.

However, a real, genuine benefit has emerged! On Saturday, my niece had a dance recital, inconveniently scheduled right before her brother and sister's birthday party, so I couldn't really attend the latter without the former. Now anyone with nieces and nephews probably understands the exact problem with recitals: the 10:1 ratio of performances by children you could not give less of a shit about compared to performances by people you recognize. And when the talent level is pre-teen children, your affection for particular specimens is the only redeeming factor that allows you to appreciate ANY of it. But I had a cell phone! With a Fruit Ninja app! I was able to stave off boredom during the 90% non-Emma portion of the recital, and I realized when I was done, that I had beat my previous high score. Now, I don't play these cell phone games that much, and I get annoyed watching my brothers' kids bury their noses in the stupid things at family gatherings. If I wasn't allowed to read actual books when the grown-ups were talking around me, why should my nephew get to play Minecrap or whatever is rotting his brain this week? Especially given how fascinated his grandparents and aunts and (other) uncles are by his daily life and would love to hear what he does with himself. So, unless there is absolutely no other way to entertain myself, I seldom play the cell phone games. Which raises the question of when I had set that previous high score?

Thinking back, I recalled that I had established the old record a couple months ago, at a "music" event featuring a bunch of strange children flailing around on a piano, with two other nieces' efforts buried deep within the schedule (I would like to point out that my eldest niece's rendition of Ode to Joy was remarkable for someone who had only been playing for six months; it almost made all those other childrens' attempts tolerable, and Fruit Ninja tipped the balance). I don't play when my nieces are up, but the rest of the time? Sheesh. And when Fruit Ninja gets too monotonous, there is Settlers of Catan.

The best part is, while it is still not socially acceptable to read an actual book, or balance your checkbook or engage in anything remotely productive, the ubiquitous proliferation of these wretched devil's telegraphs and the apparent tolerance of the unquestioned supreme claim text messages hold over the attentions of their recipients, including, apparently, the person with whom one is supposed to be engaging in a respectful conversations, or several tons of steel and glass hurtling alongside and towards one at up to 65 miles per hour, it is perfectly acceptable to tap away with a fingertip at a glass and plastic oblong concealed in your palm, no matter how allegedly adorable the strangers' children cavorting on a stage at the front of the room.

My uncle cred is pretty high, due to my excellent taste in selecting birthday and Christmas presents. With no need to dodge events like this anymore, it can't help but soar! And even if it doesn't do any good in the long run, I won't mind the lack of visitors in the nursing home, because I am still literate, and maybe Fruit Ninja will be played with holographic lightsabers by then!

Cell phones, you are forgiven. And honestly, if you do destroy American society, I don't think that's so much of crime these days.