[The camera opens pointing at someone's feet. It is raining and the light is grey.]
[Nate]: No, you just -- no, that button there. No, the other one.

[A voice]: I already pushed that one, it's not --

[Nate]: No, the one just, just look, it's right -- it's a video camera, not rocket science.

[A voice]: There's a red light. Is that bad?

[Nate]: Red means rolling. You're rolling? Shit, get that thing on my face. I mean -- shit, I didn't mean to swear. We can edit this stuff, right?

[The camera unsteadily shifts up and settles on someone's shoulder. Nate is standing in the rain with a microphone, his hair and glasses wet. Traffic is going by on a street behind him.]
[Nate]: Welcome to another riveting episode of The Great Mysteries of Wotmania, where we take you inside the stories behind the stories. I'm your ever-journalistic host, Nate, and today we --

[A voice]: The name's not right anymore, you know that right? There's no more Wotmania.

[Nate smiles and stares at the camera for a long moment. He clearly had not considered this.]
[Nate]: Um. Well, right. It's a, uh, an homage to ... well, come on. The Great Mysteries of ReadAndFindOut.com doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? The Great Mysteries of RAFO? The site's existed for a month, there are no great mysteries yet. You just ... God, you ruin everything. Turn that off.

[A voice]: I'm not sure ...

[Nate approaches the camera, which jostles around wildly]
[Nate]: I swear, man. It's just the same one as before, it's -- I'm not gonna break it, just hold the damn thing still already I'll --

[Cut] (indicated by ---- )

[The camera opens in a distinguished-looking office, walls lined with books. Nate stands before the camera, less wet now, with his microphone.]
[Nate]: On this episode of The Great Mysteries of RAFOmania, we dare to step behind the curtain and ask a question that has bedeviled wotmaniacs and RAFOnauts alike for most of a decade: who is TaskmasterJack? The name is known to all, but the man behind the text is known to only a select few in this world, each sworn to more secrecy than the last. To begin our investigation, we've paid a visit to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a noted expert in the field ... of awesomeness.

[Pan right to the Governator seated behind a desk]
[Nate]: Governor Schwarzenegger, thank you for not having your security personnel kick our asses.

[Arnold]: They are always kicking asses. If I let their life become predictable, they will be weak, and they will fail me. What did you say you wanted?

[Nate]: We're researching the truth behind the man, the legend -- TaskmasterJack. What is truth? What is fiction?

[Arnold]: In fiction, I can bend steel with a single hand. In truth I must use both. This is the difference between fiction and truth. Truth is a little harder to do, that is all. In fiction, I jump onto the helicopters. In truth they bring them down to the ground for me, but then I make them go back up just a little so I can do a small jump. This is the difference between truth and fiction.

[Nate]: Fascinating. But what about TaskmasterJack?

[Arnold]: Well, some people call him the space cowboy.

[Pan left to Nate, who darts a glance at the camera]
[Nate]: What?

[Pan back to Arnold]
[Arnold has a guitar out, he drums the opening beat on the desk with his fingers and then begins to strum the tune to "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band]
[Arnold]: Some people call him the space cowboy, yeah.

----
[Alric seVinta]: Some call him the gangster of love.

----
[mapthis]: Some people call him Maurice.

[The Mapettes]: *whistle*

[mapthis]: 'Cause he speak of the pompatus of love.

----
[Mats Gambling Buddy]: People talk about him, man.
Say he's doin' me wrong, doin' me wrong.
But I just don't worry, man, don't worry.

[Pan left to reveal a large stuffed teddy bear with a picture of Jack's face glued on]
[Mats Gambling Buddy]: 'Cause he's right here, right here, right here, right here at home.

----
[Claudia Black]: 'Cause he's a laugher,
He's a giver.

[Ben Browder]: He once told me
He's got no liver.

----
[Eugene Victor Tooms]: Boy was I ever surpriiiiiiised.

----
[Jack Nicholson]: He's a joker.

----
[Tigr]: He's my broker.

----
[Bill Clinton]: He's a cheat. At. Poker.

[Hillary Clinton]: He's the one I've idolized.

----
[Arnold picks out the tune in his office]
----
[Jon Stewart]: He's the funniest thing
That I ever did hear.

----
[Patrick Stewart]: He's the star by which
I steadily steer.

----
[Mats Gambling Buddy with his bear]: Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time.

[The Mapettes]: *whistle*

----
[Kucumber Joe]: He owes me like five dollars.

[Kuke shakes his head]
[Kucumber Joe]: Wait, was I supposed to rhyme?

----
[Wulf`gar]: He broke my heart now,
Voted Obama.
But who needs him?
I've got this llama.

[Llama]: Don't look at me, I'm just a friiiiiiend.

----
[Alyson Hannigan]: He's a kidder.

----
[Susan]: A babysitter.

----
[Ghost of John Candy]: Eats one. Mean. Fritter.

----
[Peyton Manning]: He could play as my tight end.

----
[Nathan Fillion]: His shoe size,
Herculean.
If you know
What I mean.

----
[Jerry Seinfeld]: Dude has got it goin' oooooooon.

----
[Billie Piper]: He's a flasher.

----
[Bruce Campbell]: A party crasher.

----
[Santa Claus]: And he "borrowed" Dasher.

----
[Chorus of linedancing stormtroopers]: He was here, but he's long gone.

----
[Nate]: This isn't actually telling me anything, sir.

[Arnold stops playing, mangling a chord. He looks long and hard at Nate, sets his guitar down, and presses a button on his phone.]
[Arnold]: Send in my team. There are some puny asses to kick.

[Nate]: Do it yourself, sir! At least have the balls to do it your -- oh shit, I didn't mean it, I --

[Pan quickly around as a half dozen large men in black suits and sunglasses enter the room and come toward the camera while Arnold Schwarzenegger punches Nate repeatedly in the gut. The camera wobbles and rises, starts to turn, tumbles toward the rich carpet, and]
----