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Does that mean you're getting her a premie? Joel Send a noteboard - 29/06/2011 09:03:18 PM
My girlfriend is constantly accusing me of checking out other girls wherever we go. I can admit that I will look on occasion, but she has taken the slightest glance in the direction of a person vaguely female to mean that not only am I staring at this person, but that I want to go have crazy monkey sex with this random stranger and she's the only thing holding me back from accomplishing this goal. :rolleyes:

If a woman happens to walk in front of us -- like on a sidewalk or at the grocery store, etc -- whether or not I look in her direction I'm already accused of leering at this woman. She's so insistent that this is reality that I've taken to trying to show that I'm not staring by trying to look anywhere else. But this has the extra effect of proving to her that I *am* trying to stare at this woman but now I'm pretending not to and lying about it. In reality, I'm trying to avoid conflict by showing that I am not actually ogling a woman but of course she does not see it that way.

If we go shopping somewhere and I stop to look at a display of DVDs or video games, she says I only stopped to check out "that girl over there". It doesn't matter that I know what I'm looking at, I must have been looking at that girl over there because I obviously have zero interest in movies or video games, despite the fact that I have a decent sized DVD and game collection. We've been together for a few years but we've only recently gotten very serious about our relationship and I am starting to think that she is trying to push me away and this is her way of justifying it to herself. She is 100% sure I am constantly lying to her about this and I can't take it anymore. I'm not sure what to do because I do want to be with her, but she makes it incredibly difficult with the constant accusations.

Like Amanda, I tend to agree with Nate, and with the people who note that this isn't ultimately about fidelity or trust, but self esteem. It's not a trust issue, as such, because she's doubting herself, not you. She probably doesn't think you're chasing other girls, but that you SHOULD, that you'll ultimately move on when you realize you "can do better", so she's probably expressing the anger and resentment that produces. Unfortunately, when someone's convinced their partner is way too good for them they often start looking for evidence the relationship is going south like they expect, and it can easily become a self fulfilling prophecy if only because of the unrelenting tension. In this case it threatens to develop into a trust issue because she continues to question your commitment despite repeated assurances, which naturally causes YOU anger and resentment.

I suspect you know all this, too, but I'm not sure how much you can do to improve her self esteem. It may require some professional help, but suggesting that isn't likely to make her feel much better about herself. Yet her self esteem is ultimately the problem, the cause of self sabotage and obstacle to her longterm happiness as well as any the two of you might share. Without addressing that you're just beating lumps that will pop up somewhere else in another form. Here's hoping her security in herself improves (for many reasons) so she no longer has the doubts demanding constant (but inevitably inadequate) validation from you, because if anyone but her could provide that validation you'd have long ago done so.
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My girlfriend is insane - 29/06/2011 03:49:38 PM 1403 Views
I doubt she's trying to push you away. She's just that needy and insecure. - 29/06/2011 03:57:14 PM 552 Views
Is this just a rant or do you want advice? *NM* - 29/06/2011 03:59:37 PM 281 Views
Sounds to me ... - 29/06/2011 04:08:07 PM 718 Views
Nate is advocating a calm, reasonable approach. - 29/06/2011 11:55:54 PM 572 Views
You need to have a very serious discussion about this with her - 29/06/2011 04:53:37 PM 612 Views
Run. - 29/06/2011 05:28:38 PM 610 Views
I'm with Amy... Run! - 29/06/2011 05:52:08 PM 582 Views
If she's worth it in other ways, I wouldn't run. - 29/06/2011 05:58:46 PM 653 Views
You are too weak. PUA theory says do the total opposite of what common sense tells you - 29/06/2011 06:03:09 PM 679 Views
Don't apply pua to a long term relationship... - 29/06/2011 06:11:36 PM 673 Views
It should work here too - 29/06/2011 06:25:23 PM 650 Views
Seriously, stop buying into pua - 29/06/2011 06:41:56 PM 569 Views
Honestly, check into her for cheating. - 29/06/2011 06:13:15 PM 744 Views
Agreed. - 29/06/2011 06:21:06 PM 567 Views
This is a possibility. *NM* - 29/06/2011 11:49:03 PM 236 Views
A possibility. *NM* - 30/06/2011 04:53:03 AM 235 Views
How old are you both? - 29/06/2011 06:20:02 PM 563 Views
Insane chicks are hot...for an hour at a time. - 29/06/2011 07:05:50 PM 597 Views
Decide which part of the Crazy/Hot Scale she is on... - 29/06/2011 08:37:37 PM 603 Views
I agree with what Nate said - 29/06/2011 07:53:27 PM 571 Views
Does that mean you're getting her a premie? - 29/06/2011 09:03:18 PM 640 Views
Ogle her constantly. - 29/06/2011 09:21:41 PM 647 Views
^ Danny and Vivien potentially have a point. - 29/06/2011 11:00:41 PM 687 Views
That's right! - 30/06/2011 12:04:49 AM 598 Views
That's incredibly insecure and needy. Just... just so you know. - 30/06/2011 12:10:50 AM 518 Views
I did not use the word constant. - 30/06/2011 12:36:29 AM 585 Views
*shrug* I'm just saying - 30/06/2011 01:45:49 AM 524 Views
Having a need isn't the same thing as being needy. - 30/06/2011 02:49:12 AM 672 Views
Yeah, I'm not trying to say (either of them) are bad people - 30/06/2011 03:33:59 AM 523 Views
Yes - 30/06/2011 05:16:23 PM 624 Views
Buy sunglasses. *NM* - 30/06/2011 12:36:31 AM 267 Views
*NM* - 30/06/2011 01:53:13 AM 274 Views
Re: There's no telling if... - 30/06/2011 02:11:27 AM 556 Views
Somebody I talked to brought up a valid possibility that I didn't know existed. I was wrong to jump - 30/06/2011 03:41:53 AM 556 Views
I can't use them. They turn me into the Mega Bitch. - 30/06/2011 08:21:17 PM 1026 Views
You are wise. - 04/07/2011 12:02:35 PM 925 Views
We're all just a little bit insane. - 30/06/2011 05:20:22 PM 540 Views
Tell her every thing you said here emphasis the last sentence - 04/07/2011 01:38:43 AM 594 Views

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