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I think this is about priorities. rebelaessedai Send a noteboard - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM
That doesn't mean I think it's good, either - just that many couples become resigned to this kind of thing.

To me a successful relationship/marriage is about valuing the other person's happiness as much as your own. This entails doing things like holiday dinners (and never speaking condescendingly about them in public!). You also want to have a good (or at least respectful) relationship with your partner's family if they are remotely important to him/her.

I don't like the idea of lowered expectations. I saw a study recently which found that couples with an idealized view of each other on their wedding day tend to be happier five years into the marriage than those with a more cynical perspective. Your partner should be someone you enjoy more and treat better than the rest of the world - not necessarily 100% of the time, but as a general rule.

So my view is that a relationship is not "better" just because you regularly get by with acting how you'd want to act if you were single.

Of course I am engaged too and haven't been with the guy all that long (dated 15 months, friends for ten years), so maybe I have a naive view of things. We'll be flying across the country soon to spend the spring holiday in our hometown... my family lives there too, but I'll be staying with his because my relationship with my family is so complicated. To be honest, I really don't want to go, I don't want to see them (my family) right now, and I wish that his first vacation in a year were to somewhere like Hawaii instead. But it's important to him, so I'll shut up and go. :P


I mean, Nick would like me to visit his family when he goes, but it's not of the utmost importance that I do so. I probably won't go if his brother is involved because we got into it and I don't like him. Nick understands and respects that. But at the same time, he doesn't particularly like his brother either. ;)
It just depends on the people involved. I'm sad that you would rather not go and feel like you're obligated to go anyway, but maybe your relationship works better that way. To each his own.
Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position. - Bill Maher
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Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down? Helene - 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM 1807 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but... Urza - 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM 963 Views
Fair enough Helene - 19/04/2011 10:01:51 AM 913 Views
Not all inlaws are bad, you know, I prefer some of my inlaws to my own family. *NM* Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:56:03 PM 447 Views
inlaws are not always bad random thoughts - 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM 876 Views
I spend way more time with my in-laws than with my own family. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:17:41 PM 867 Views
I'm like this with my future in-laws too. *NM* Clover - 19/04/2011 04:47:05 PM 424 Views
I think they are right ironclad - 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM 1092 Views
I see your point Helene - 19/04/2011 10:42:51 AM 1044 Views
Re: I think they are right Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM 922 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM 851 Views
What he said about his wife's mother Helene - 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM 1018 Views
Ew. I would have a problem with that too. Something about that attitude makes me dig in my heels. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:37:38 AM 772 Views
No offense... ironclad - 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM 1003 Views
yes but have you found such a thing? random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM 924 Views
For now I have *NM* ironclad - 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM 460 Views
how long has it been? *NM* random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM 435 Views
Don't try to corrupt me with your long term pessimism ironclad - 19/04/2011 03:34:39 PM 869 Views
sadly I seem attracted to the crazies *NM* random thoughts - 19/04/2011 04:08:14 PM 428 Views
Yes. But it didn't start out like that. Took years to chip away all our rough edges. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:40:29 AM 949 Views
Could be either snoopcester - 19/04/2011 10:30:50 AM 965 Views
True enough... Helene - 19/04/2011 10:44:28 AM 943 Views
My opinion is the latter. Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:55:00 PM 949 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM 921 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Macharius - 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM 887 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations snoopcester - 19/04/2011 02:13:25 PM 1024 Views
I should have read this first. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:25:16 PM 968 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM 934 Views
You don't strike me as the "screeching-howler-monkey" type to begin with. *NM* Macharius - 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM 430 Views
I love just about everything about you Sareitha. Good answers all. *NM* Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:26:34 AM 398 Views
I translated "I will think about it" as a secret but obvious code for. "I don't really want to but Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:34:36 AM 1046 Views
that's what I would have meant if I said "I'll think about it" *NM* LadyLorraine - 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM 404 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot random thoughts - 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM 1027 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have Helene - 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM 879 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM 923 Views
How did things change? Helene - 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM 934 Views
Like I said I can only speak for myself random thoughts - 19/04/2011 04:54:04 PM 939 Views
There's already a 10 year old in the picture for us Helene - 19/04/2011 06:52:44 PM 868 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM 979 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself random thoughts - 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM 910 Views
I know. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM 1143 Views
Sorry for some reason I thought you had just got married. random thoughts - 20/04/2011 09:52:24 PM 1381 Views
Good luck to them! *NM* rebelaessedai - 22/04/2011 04:25:38 AM 415 Views
Re: The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot Tihs Tnuc - 19/04/2011 04:34:34 PM 839 Views
From the information that you have presented... Jeordam - 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM 1073 Views
I am in agreement with you, and I'm not particularly Christian. Helene - 19/04/2011 04:11:57 PM 858 Views
Which is sad (not the agreement, but their potential future) Jeordam - 19/04/2011 06:29:47 PM 937 Views
Oh yes... I'm of course not sure. I can be way off base :-) Let's hope I am. Helene - 19/04/2011 06:55:13 PM 901 Views
Could go either way. Dannymac - 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM 877 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa Helene - 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM 882 Views
Giving up is one thing, growing past is another. Dannymac - 19/04/2011 10:00:55 PM 836 Views
Oh, to be fair, he's the friend and she's the wife Helene - 20/04/2011 08:43:12 AM 803 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce. Clover - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM 865 Views
I think you are 100% right about having a good realtionship with your spouse's family random thoughts - 19/04/2011 05:07:12 PM 877 Views
I think this is about priorities. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM 1022 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families. Clover - 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM 867 Views
Even when younger, I was independent. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 05:29:59 AM 772 Views
*nods* Clover - 20/04/2011 06:25:29 AM 951 Views
rebelaessedai - 22/04/2011 04:29:32 AM 1156 Views
Not the former for sure, and maybe not the latter. Palatine - 19/04/2011 05:55:03 PM 923 Views
I think it's impossible for me to judge their future status without knowing more about them LadyLorraine - 19/04/2011 07:22:32 PM 889 Views
Can't tell. nossy - 19/04/2011 10:04:27 PM 841 Views
I'm with the 'can't tell' crowd. Antigone - 19/04/2011 11:37:17 PM 1147 Views
hell, or she could just not care too much at all LadyLorraine - 19/04/2011 11:43:21 PM 861 Views
What you said in the original question wouldn't neccessarily mean much to me either way. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:56:55 AM 877 Views
It's not all out "she's worthless", it's more like "she's a bit silly with all her wishes" Helene - 20/04/2011 08:46:49 AM 861 Views
That would still be a deal breaker for me. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 11:49:09 PM 868 Views
I'm leaning more towards your interpretation. *NM* TaskmasterJack - 20/04/2011 02:15:22 AM 391 Views
I don't know. *NM* (I feel bad for the 20 people who viewed this message- my apologies) Vivien - 20/04/2011 04:36:13 AM 920 Views
I'm with you on this. *NM* Camilla - 20/04/2011 10:00:41 AM 440 Views
*sigh* Yunalesca - 20/04/2011 09:25:02 PM 985 Views
Re: I mean, it's not good. *NM* Gaps - 20/04/2011 11:50:21 PM 383 Views
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