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He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Sareitha Sedai Send a noteboard - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM
Though in many cases it's as much about the people in the relationship maturing as it is about the stage of the relationship itself.

I was talking with a friend about how his relationship with his wife has changed over time. How expectations when you just start out differ from when you first move in together, to now, where he felt that their expectation levels were far more compatible and therefore their relationship has really taken a turn for the positive.

As an example, he mentioned this past weekend. His wife had asked him if he wanted to go with her to her mother for Easter. He replied: "I'll think about it." Her response was that she said she'll just go on her own.

The improvement he saw here was that in the past, his response would have led to an argument. His stance in the argument was also clear from what he mentioned, namely: "I didn't say I wouldn't go, I said I'd think about it." So to his thinking, their expectation levels are more in sync, which shows the relationship is better.

To me it sounds a lot more like his wife has given up on trying to get him to come along, i.e. their expectation levels aren't more in sync, but she's simply given up on this part of their relationship.

Now I have a very different type of relationship from him. It would never occur to either my fiancé or me to not go to family when it's important for the other person. So my friend's response to his wife would have been utterly bewildering to me. A big part of a relationship to me is doing things for each other, because they are important to my partner, and my fiancé feels the same way.

So perhaps my views that this is a sign of a break down is simply caused by my different perspective on relationships. What do you think? Do you think that my friend's relationship has improved as he thinks, or do you think that it's a sign of his wife giving up on parts of their relationship, potentially leading to an eventual breakdown?


Either way, whether she was really fine with him not going or whether she was just giving up, not having the argument (again) is a good thing.

I think everyone above has raised good points though and I don't think anyone who isn't actually in the relationship can answer your question. We just never know what goes on behind closed doors and what each person is giving/getting in the relationship. I will say that everyone is different and every family is different ;) And your points about compromise and doing things to make your partner happy, while well made, apply as much to her as they do to him. It might mean more to him not to have to go than it does to her to have him go (if that makes sense), and that's how I personally try to settle these compromise situations in my own relationship.

If you are from Betelgeuse, please have one of your Earth friends read what I've written before you respond. Or try concentrating harder.

"The trophy problem has become extreme."
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Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down? - 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM 1806 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but... - 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM 961 Views
Fair enough - 19/04/2011 10:01:51 AM 912 Views
inlaws are not always bad - 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM 876 Views
I spend way more time with my in-laws than with my own family. - 19/04/2011 02:17:41 PM 865 Views
I'm like this with my future in-laws too. *NM* - 19/04/2011 04:47:05 PM 424 Views
I think they are right - 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM 1092 Views
I see your point - 19/04/2011 10:42:51 AM 1042 Views
Re: I think they are right - 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM 922 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption. - 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM 850 Views
What he said about his wife's mother - 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM 1017 Views
No offense... - 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM 1002 Views
yes but have you found such a thing? - 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM 924 Views
For now I have *NM* - 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM 460 Views
how long has it been? *NM* - 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM 435 Views
Don't try to corrupt me with your long term pessimism - 19/04/2011 03:34:39 PM 868 Views
sadly I seem attracted to the crazies *NM* - 19/04/2011 04:08:14 PM 428 Views
Could be either - 19/04/2011 10:30:50 AM 963 Views
True enough... - 19/04/2011 10:44:28 AM 941 Views
My opinion is the latter. - 19/04/2011 01:55:00 PM 948 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM 921 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM 885 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:13:25 PM 1023 Views
I should have read this first. - 19/04/2011 02:25:16 PM 967 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM 932 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot - 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM 1027 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have - 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM 878 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married - 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM 923 Views
How did things change? - 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM 932 Views
Like I said I can only speak for myself - 19/04/2011 04:54:04 PM 937 Views
There's already a 10 year old in the picture for us - 19/04/2011 06:52:44 PM 868 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this. - 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM 977 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself - 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM 908 Views
I know. - 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM 1143 Views
Sorry for some reason I thought you had just got married. - 20/04/2011 09:52:24 PM 1380 Views
Good luck to them! *NM* - 22/04/2011 04:25:38 AM 415 Views
From the information that you have presented... - 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM 1071 Views
Could go either way. - 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM 877 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa - 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM 880 Views
Giving up is one thing, growing past is another. - 19/04/2011 10:00:55 PM 836 Views
Oh, to be fair, he's the friend and she's the wife - 20/04/2011 08:43:12 AM 801 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce. - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM 864 Views
I think this is about priorities. - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM 1020 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families. - 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM 867 Views
Even when younger, I was independent. - 20/04/2011 05:29:59 AM 770 Views
*nods* - 20/04/2011 06:25:29 AM 950 Views
- 22/04/2011 04:29:32 AM 1155 Views
Not the former for sure, and maybe not the latter. - 19/04/2011 05:55:03 PM 921 Views
Can't tell. - 19/04/2011 10:04:27 PM 839 Views
I'm with the 'can't tell' crowd. - 19/04/2011 11:37:17 PM 1147 Views
hell, or she could just not care too much at all - 19/04/2011 11:43:21 PM 859 Views
I'm leaning more towards your interpretation. *NM* - 20/04/2011 02:15:22 AM 391 Views
I'm with you on this. *NM* - 20/04/2011 10:00:41 AM 440 Views
*sigh* - 20/04/2011 09:25:02 PM 983 Views
Re: I mean, it's not good. *NM* - 20/04/2011 11:50:21 PM 383 Views

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