He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
Sareitha Sedai Send a noteboard - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM
Though in many cases it's as much about the people in the relationship maturing as it is about the stage of the relationship itself.
Either way, whether she was really fine with him not going or whether she was just giving up, not having the argument (again) is a good thing.
I think everyone above has raised good points though and I don't think anyone who isn't actually in the relationship can answer your question. We just never know what goes on behind closed doors and what each person is giving/getting in the relationship. I will say that everyone is different and every family is different
And your points about compromise and doing things to make your partner happy, while well made, apply as much to her as they do to him. It might mean more to him not to have to go than it does to her to have him go (if that makes sense), and that's how I personally try to settle these compromise situations in my own relationship.
I was talking with a friend about how his relationship with his wife has changed over time. How expectations when you just start out differ from when you first move in together, to now, where he felt that their expectation levels were far more compatible and therefore their relationship has really taken a turn for the positive.
As an example, he mentioned this past weekend. His wife had asked him if he wanted to go with her to her mother for Easter. He replied: "I'll think about it." Her response was that she said she'll just go on her own.
The improvement he saw here was that in the past, his response would have led to an argument. His stance in the argument was also clear from what he mentioned, namely: "I didn't say I wouldn't go, I said I'd think about it." So to his thinking, their expectation levels are more in sync, which shows the relationship is better.
To me it sounds a lot more like his wife has given up on trying to get him to come along, i.e. their expectation levels aren't more in sync, but she's simply given up on this part of their relationship.
Now I have a very different type of relationship from him. It would never occur to either my fiancé or me to not go to family when it's important for the other person. So my friend's response to his wife would have been utterly bewildering to me. A big part of a relationship to me is doing things for each other, because they are important to my partner, and my fiancé feels the same way.
So perhaps my views that this is a sign of a break down is simply caused by my different perspective on relationships. What do you think? Do you think that my friend's relationship has improved as he thinks, or do you think that it's a sign of his wife giving up on parts of their relationship, potentially leading to an eventual breakdown?
As an example, he mentioned this past weekend. His wife had asked him if he wanted to go with her to her mother for Easter. He replied: "I'll think about it." Her response was that she said she'll just go on her own.
The improvement he saw here was that in the past, his response would have led to an argument. His stance in the argument was also clear from what he mentioned, namely: "I didn't say I wouldn't go, I said I'd think about it." So to his thinking, their expectation levels are more in sync, which shows the relationship is better.
To me it sounds a lot more like his wife has given up on trying to get him to come along, i.e. their expectation levels aren't more in sync, but she's simply given up on this part of their relationship.
Now I have a very different type of relationship from him. It would never occur to either my fiancé or me to not go to family when it's important for the other person. So my friend's response to his wife would have been utterly bewildering to me. A big part of a relationship to me is doing things for each other, because they are important to my partner, and my fiancé feels the same way.
So perhaps my views that this is a sign of a break down is simply caused by my different perspective on relationships. What do you think? Do you think that my friend's relationship has improved as he thinks, or do you think that it's a sign of his wife giving up on parts of their relationship, potentially leading to an eventual breakdown?
Either way, whether she was really fine with him not going or whether she was just giving up, not having the argument (again) is a good thing.
I think everyone above has raised good points though and I don't think anyone who isn't actually in the relationship can answer your question. We just never know what goes on behind closed doors and what each person is giving/getting in the relationship. I will say that everyone is different and every family is different
And your points about compromise and doing things to make your partner happy, while well made, apply as much to her as they do to him. It might mean more to him not to have to go than it does to her to have him go (if that makes sense), and that's how I personally try to settle these compromise situations in my own relationship.
If you are from Betelgeuse, please have one of your Earth friends read what I've written before you respond. Or try concentrating harder.
"The trophy problem has become extreme."
"The trophy problem has become extreme."
Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down?
- 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM
1802 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but...
- 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM
957 Views
Not all inlaws are bad, you know, I prefer some of my inlaws to my own family. *NM*
- 19/04/2011 01:56:03 PM
446 Views
inlaws are not always bad
- 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM
873 Views
I think they are right
- 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM
1088 Views
Re: I think they are right
- 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM
919 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption.
- 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM
846 Views
What he said about his wife's mother
- 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM
1012 Views
Ew. I would have a problem with that too. Something about that attitude makes me dig in my heels.
- 20/04/2011 01:37:38 AM
769 Views
No offense...
- 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM
998 Views
yes but have you found such a thing?
- 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM
920 Views
For now I have 
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM
459 Views
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM
459 Views
how long has it been? *NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM
434 Views
Yes. But it didn't start out like that. Took years to chip away all our rough edges.
- 20/04/2011 01:40:29 AM
945 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM
918 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM
882 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM
930 Views
You don't strike me as the "screeching-howler-monkey" type to begin with. *NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM
429 Views
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM
429 Views
I love just about everything about you Sareitha. Good answers all. *NM*
- 20/04/2011 01:26:34 AM
397 Views
I translated "I will think about it" as a secret but obvious code for. "I don't really want to but
- 20/04/2011 01:34:36 AM
1042 Views
that's what I would have meant if I said "I'll think about it" 
*NM*
- 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM
403 Views
*NM*
- 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM
403 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
- 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM
1024 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have
- 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM
875 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married
- 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM
917 Views
How did things change?
- 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM
929 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this.
- 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM
973 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself
- 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM
903 Views
I know.
- 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM
1138 Views
Re: The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
- 19/04/2011 04:34:34 PM
834 Views
From the information that you have presented...
- 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM
1070 Views
I am in agreement with you, and I'm not particularly Christian.
- 19/04/2011 04:11:57 PM
855 Views
Which is sad (not the agreement, but their potential future)
- 19/04/2011 06:29:47 PM
929 Views
Oh yes... I'm of course not sure. I can be way off base :-) Let's hope I am.
- 19/04/2011 06:55:13 PM
898 Views
Could go either way.
- 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM
873 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa
- 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM
875 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce.
- 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM
862 Views
I think you are 100% right about having a good realtionship with your spouse's family
- 19/04/2011 05:07:12 PM
874 Views
I think this is about priorities.
- 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM
1019 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families.
- 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM
863 Views
I think it's impossible for me to judge their future status without knowing more about them
- 19/04/2011 07:22:32 PM
885 Views
What you said in the original question wouldn't neccessarily mean much to me either way.
- 20/04/2011 01:56:55 AM
871 Views
It's not all out "she's worthless", it's more like "she's a bit silly with all her wishes"
- 20/04/2011 08:46:49 AM
857 Views
I don't know. *NM* (I feel bad for the 20 people who viewed this message- my apologies)
- 20/04/2011 04:36:13 AM
915 Views