"Does this turn you on?"

He's whispering to me.

Outside.

We are in a park and he is leaning over me and trying to make out with me.

Again.

I thought we got past this before but apparently just like peasant shirts and skinny jeans we just keep coming back to this. I decide that silence is the best option.

"Does this make you uncomfortable?"

"Yes.Yes it does."

Yes it does. How could it not!?! I just met you like 3 hours ago and you are trying to make this happen. I am so sorry but it is no, in fact, going to happen.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I started going out on dates because after taking a solid look at the fact it is clear that I am not putting myself out there. I need to get out and have some fun! Experience life! I need to be the architect of my own happiness or some junk.

True, the first few experiences have not been exactly amazing, but I have to have faith that there is someone out there who like me for who I am, make me feel amazing, and with whom I can share my love of wacky things that are also zany. If I found guys like that in the past, I must be able to find them again right? And with my lack of a social convention like church, school, or wotmania to help me, I must venture out on my own.

Contained here-in is an honest and true account of the events that led up to what I will henceforth refer to as the "Awkward Park Incident." I will do my best to provide you with all of the comedy such situations can provide, but at the end I will ask for you help, dear readers- so stay tuned.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I stopped off at my old work first.

Since he asked me to meet him at a Starbucks near my former stomping grounds I thought it only right to see them. It was pleasant enough, but was sad when I had to tear myself away to tromp across the street to be on time for my date.

I ordered my short soy hot chocolate and sat down to wait.

12:02 phone call transcribed in a a Google Voice text+e-mail

(yes, I gave him my Google Voice phone number, not my ACTUAL phone number. Don't judge me.)

" Gloria, it's XXX, How you doing. Looks like there's like construction everywhere and stuff like that. So Yeah, sorry I'm running a little late. I'll probably be about. 10 or 15 minutes or so. Yeah, just gimme a call back (XXX) 555-1212 alright. See you later. "

Awesome.

5 min later a not bad looking dude walks in. He does not remove his sunglasses.

"Have you eaten? I was thinking we could go to Bo Lings."

It's about half a mile walk so I agree. We walk. It's hot. He tells me a story about how he applied to Bo Lings in another part of town but decided not to take the job because he couldn't understand the "words that were coming out of the manager's mouth." Also they apparently referred to him as "The Korean" in Chinese, which he apparently can understand... at least a bit.

He asks the waiter how much a coke is before ordering one. Yeesh.

We eat. The conversation is awkward, as I am given to understand is common in such occurrences.

He talks about his class in International law... something about tariffs... and I try to ask politely what they are specifically about. He takes this to mean that I do not understand what TARIFFS are and gives me a snide explanation. I reiterate that I know that they are in general but was asking about this one specifically and he repeats his condescending explanation and I laugh and say never mind.

I catch him staring at my cleavage and button my cardigan. His creepy gaze makes me feel like taking a shower but at least now he has taken off his sunglasses.

There is more of what I can only assume is meant to be polite conversation.

He tells stories about his church, his schooling, and his strangely repressed friends.

I politely ask questions about all of these things because dating is about having fun and getting to know people.

I wonder vaguely when the fun is supposed to start.

To my surprise, he pays at the end of the meal. I was envisioning splitting the check. Oh well.

He suggests going to a nearby park. I later find out the park is known for strange men masturbating in public. I assume he, like me, has no knowledge of this.

I am bored with most of the conversation and I get tired of either talking about myself or asking him to elaborate on his boring boring life. He refers to his personality as "type B+" not once, not twice, but three times.

He says something I cannot hear and then schooches closer quite clumsily before kissing me. I feel a lot like a 12 year old girl being kissed by an 11 year -old distant cousin twice removed. It feels sort of like kissing the back of my hand. He seems to be into it and I wonder if it will scar him if I pull away.

_______________________________________________________________________________


An aside.

I have been criticized lately by one spurned potential suitor for being too picky.

He actually posted a video of some guy ranting about how picky women are and how they refuse to "pay the price of admission" by accepting flaws in their partners.

I went through stages in my reaction the first being white hot anger, then questioning, and then after a lot of crying, I ended up very confused. I resolved to examine myself to make sure that, in the future, I would try hard not to be too picky, but that there was NO WAY I was going to date that jerk and I was glad I had made the decision to spurn him.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, the weird-o guy was kissing me strangely and without provocation.

_______________________________________________________________________________


In just a few moments I decide that I do not like kissing him and eff the guy who made me feel guilty, I am out to have FUN, not to be uncomfortable and I pull away. I employ my trusty jabbering skills and I talk about everything under the sun.

There is another conversation where-in we discuss what to do next.


Again, I wonder if I am being too harsh. This guy seems... well not psyco, just awkward. That happens, right? People can be both awkward and cool in their own way.

We decide to go to another park.

We walk, we talk. We do not have anything in common. He doesn't like movies.

He doesn't watch T.V.

He thinks conversations about emotions and complaining are boring.

This guy is NOT going to like me.

I am not entirely sure but I think he asks when my parents will be home from work. It takes me a moment to figure out what he means. He wants to go someplace with less people.

Oh freaking a.

Seriously?

Luckily the park has people. He wouldn't try to kiss me again would he?

When we arrive at the other park he is looking around voraciously for a "quite place" with "less people."

Ugh.

I should have followed Jack Donaghy's advice and never gone with hippy to a second location. Well... this guy isn't a hippy but I think the principal is sound.
We find a spot near the street with a tree and sit down.

He wants to move, the other side of the tree nearer the street. I sit down and get scraped by the tree.

He wants to move, the other side of the tree nearer the park. I sit down. There is more boring talk. I try to think of an excuse to leave. I lay down on the grass and try to just enjoy the sun and the tree and nature and he leans over me.

Back to the beginning.

I thought we got past the kissing business but apparently I am too freaking hawt and just like peasant shirts and skinny jeans we just keep coming back to this.

Silence.

His hand is on my boob. Out in public. Gross. He is stage whispering things at me. I move his hand.


Ew. Ew. Ew.

I close my eyes tightly and try not to think of how different this is from what I want.

I say it makes me uncomfortable and he stops. What in the WORLD happened?!? What am I projecting that invites this kind of weirdness? I know that to grow I REALLY need to be more forceful. These type of shenanigans will not be tolerated at THIS school!!

But seriously, don't people just go out to have fun?

Am I naive in thinking that THIS is not the norm for social encounters? I mean is the physical intimacy of BOOB TOUCHING totally standard for 3-hour acquaintances?

Anyway. He wants to meet up again on Monday.

What say you?

Second date or no?

Does this dude deserve a second chance? Did nerves make him act strangely and I am being too picky or is this the end for our would-be hero?

YOU DECIDE!

Yes, hive mind, I am appealing to you for your sage advice.

LET THE SAGE ADVICE BEGIN!!!!

end transmission