I think I came off a bit like a martyr when I said that I needed to be there for Johnny. In reality I don't think he is going to really need me. I am the one that needed him and I didn't even know it. I was steadily withdrawing from the world and hiding in my little introvert cave interacting less and less with those I didn't have to.

You know how when you get a wound and when it heals there is scar tissue that isn't quite as sensitive as the skin originally was? And how when your heart gets hurt it leaves scars even when it heals? I had this wall of scar tissue around my heart that kept me from being hurt as badly. I think that it had gotten fairly thick. I was not excited when I heard that Laura was pregnant. She hadn't been either. She hadn't realized she was pregnant until it was too late to end it or she probably would have. I didn't know if I had it in me to open up to another person. I figured that I would be the best grandma that I could be as my mother had done for me when I had kids but I expected to do it more out of duty and that love would come along with sacrificing blah, blah, blah.

What actually happened was that when I actually saw his birth and held him...within hours he had completely melted through all that scar tissue and I had no defense. This child has power. He is changing everybody in his life. This child is so loved and cherished by so many people. When Maurice died, Johnny's presence somehow comforted the whole family.

He continues to smooth the sharp edges of life for us. He makes whoever is holding him feel loved and wonderful and funny. We don't see the lopsidedness of his head when we look at him. We just see those beautiful eyes and that smile and we feel good about ourselves. (I want to be able to do that for other people like he does. Can it really be as simple as he makes it seem?)

I am not making the point that I wanted to make directly. What I want to tell you is to hang in there. Sometimes the things that are going to help you have not been created yet.

Prozac was not around when I first had my kids. It hadn't been invented but it did come and it made a huge difference.

And sometimes the people that are going to help you just haven't come into your life yet. And they may come when you least expect it or in a form that you were not looking for. Johnny is a baby. Logic says that there isn't much he can contribute when all he does is eat, drink, poop, smile and cry. But his smile, his infectious laugh and gentle touch have an incredibly soothing and healing effect far beyond what you would expect.

Maybe there is someone out there that you haven't met yet that will come and help heal you. Someone that is going to see all the good that is in you and show it to you somehow. And you will soothe and heal them.

I am just trying to say don't lose hope. Things can get better.