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Re: The no expectations thing is HARD. To do on a moment-to-moment basis. Danae al'Thor Send a noteboard - 09/05/2010 05:43:00 AM
There are days when life is wonderful but that can easily come crashing down within moments of feeling euphoric so I don't count on it lasting. I just enjoy it while it lasts. I have had more good days in the last few years than I used to. For a long time life was a burden and I really did wish to die. But it isn't something I am going to do because of what it would do to my family.

I don't have the kind of depression where I just lose interest in everything. It is usually a more violent depression where I absolutely loathe myself.

Little pills have made a huge difference for me. The highs may not be quite as high but the lows aren't nearly as frequent and lasting. I can live with that. I can also live with the stigma of taking the little pills although I don't advertise that I take them. I know that I wouldn't have made it this far without them. My brain isn't hard wired for this life otherwise.

Duty has the final say though. There are too many people that depend on me. My parents are very old now and I need to be there to take care of them. I used to feel that I needed to stick life out because I would be the one that ended up taking care of Maurice,my mentally retarded brother, when my parents died. However he died last November. But right before he died my daughter gave birth to my first grandson. Johnny is making a huge difference in my will to live. Another person that just radiates joy and love. He is way better than any drugs could be. But he also has Goldenhar Syndrome. I kind of feel like my brother was waiting for someone to pass the torch to before he died. Maurice was a big part of why I stuck around. I needed to stay to take care of him. Now I need to stay to take care of my parents and be there for Johnny. Life might be kind of hard for him and I want him to have another safe haven where he is treated like any other child and loved.

By the way, people that say "snap out of it" or "try harder" need to be smacked. They have no clue. The one nice thing about being familiar with depression is that you will never say something stupid and hurtful like that to another person.

*Edit*
I liked what Tom said. He put very succinctly what it took me years to figure out. Mostly I tried to stop expecting certain levels of performance from myself. I could accept other people and love them as they were and didn't expect them to be something they weren't. Why not do the same with myself? Easier said than done, but I am much closer to it and much happier than I was before.

No expectations. Wonderful advice.



Well, I think what bugs me about the "try harder" or the "you're not doing it right" thing is that it brings me back here, where I'm missing some concrete, tangible thing that would make me happy, some simple thing that I am just too stupid or too dumb or too materialistic or too lazy to get. Or maybe I just don't want to, deep down. Except, I'm not in the kind of therapy that's examining my subconscious. We're working with what I think and feel and say and do consciously, and making me aware of the patterns of thought I fall into, and trying to make me at least know when I am doing this to myself, and at the very least say, Look, I am _______________ again. Let's have ice cream instead! Ice cream is yummy! etc.

If it's buried in my subconscious, I need a shovel. :[

I hope you won't mind my asking, but how (there are no tactful ways to ask) but Goldenhar is about facial disfigurement, right? Not, um, an inability to sense or hear or touch?

I wish you and your family strength for what's coming, and much joy.
http://coolingpearls.wordpress.com/
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http://whaq.blogspot.com/
~Roh
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Danae-Log: So. What makes life worth living? - 08/05/2010 05:04:26 PM 1523 Views
The good bits - 08/05/2010 05:17:37 PM 1142 Views
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Re: I think lots of us had pre-construed that anyway. Sorry. - 08/05/2010 05:45:35 PM 958 Views
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Yeah, that one (typos ) - 08/05/2010 06:46:37 PM 1069 Views
Frankly, I agree, but it's not something of which people can be really be "convinced. " - 12/05/2010 12:43:29 AM 1133 Views
No - 12/05/2010 12:53:42 AM 1039 Views
Oh, I totally agree. - 12/05/2010 01:05:29 AM 947 Views
Ah, so you used "convinced" as a verb and not as a participle *NM* - 12/05/2010 09:30:59 AM 594 Views
Right. - 12/05/2010 12:17:59 PM 1305 Views
personally - 08/05/2010 06:45:45 PM 1015 Views
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I have two - 08/05/2010 06:55:39 PM 1063 Views
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Ah, I see - 08/05/2010 09:19:22 PM 1052 Views
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Answers lie within - 08/05/2010 09:43:01 PM 1052 Views
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No easy answer. - 08/05/2010 09:26:52 PM 847 Views
I'm probably not the right person to answer this question... - 08/05/2010 09:34:35 PM 1244 Views
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I'm praying for you right now... - 10/05/2010 10:08:32 PM 987 Views
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That would be way awesome. - 09/05/2010 11:53:40 PM 1071 Views
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Because I can't be world dictator if I am dead - 08/05/2010 10:47:37 PM 944 Views
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Helping other people. *NM* - 08/05/2010 10:51:28 PM 481 Views
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Can't help you there. - 08/05/2010 11:22:01 PM 988 Views
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Hmmm. No. - 09/05/2010 04:44:44 PM 1066 Views
Some days it just boils down to duty. - 09/05/2010 12:52:06 AM 1115 Views
Re: The no expectations thing is HARD. To do on a moment-to-moment basis. - 09/05/2010 05:43:00 AM 1076 Views
That there will be a sixth season of Supernatural? - 09/05/2010 06:30:34 AM 1075 Views
love, connection with others, the awe of being alive in the world - 09/05/2010 07:17:34 AM 877 Views
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Love is all that keeps me sane. - 09/05/2010 07:31:44 AM 1000 Views
Re: *NM* - 09/05/2010 10:31:18 AM 452 Views
Whatever you decide it does - 09/05/2010 10:17:09 AM 995 Views
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*flourishes hat* - 09/05/2010 08:44:33 PM 1161 Views
That video is excellent, thanks! *NM* - 09/05/2010 05:52:11 PM 455 Views
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The small things. - 09/05/2010 10:45:46 AM 1095 Views
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waitwaitwait - 09/05/2010 12:18:13 PM 865 Views
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Spring-time forests with flowers *NM* - 10/05/2010 05:59:46 AM 461 Views
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Heh. click the link. - 10/05/2010 05:45:53 PM 1053 Views
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Perv. *NM* - 11/05/2010 02:00:43 AM 555 Views
Re: Danae-Log: So. What makes life worth living? - 11/05/2010 09:28:09 PM 971 Views
Love and the people who share it still seem the best answer. - 12/05/2010 01:01:51 AM 972 Views
I don't think it's a question to ask, but a decision to make - 14/05/2010 07:38:46 PM 1119 Views

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