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Ah, I see SilverWarder Send a noteboard - 08/05/2010 09:19:22 PM
Keeping on is not the problem. Deciding not to die is not a problem. what else am I doing all this for? It's just that keeping on doesn't seem to make things any better, they just last. I have this horrifying vision of myself popping pills and feeling apathetic the rest of my life.

Anyway, a change might be nice.


What you need is a focus. A purpose.

That's not easy, nor is it simple. Shall I offer another story? Perhaps it will help.

When I was in Junior high, my parents broke the news to me. My father had been diagnosed with cancer.

Now, this was the 70s. When you got cancer in the 70s, you died. Period. It was just a matter of how long.

My life was already pretty hellish. I was THE unpopular kid in school. Beat up all the time. Running, hiding, living in fear while trying to attend school. Now my father - a very very good man - was dying.

Needless to say, there wasn't much help for all the bullying. My poor mom was sunk in misery dealing with my dad. My dad, all credit to him, refused to quit and kept living his life as much as his disease would let him.

I went through the usual hells that all unpopular kids go through. I was counterculture at times and stupid lots of times.

My dad lived long enough to see me graduate. Less than a year later he was gone. Seven years of a disease that normally kills in less than one.

After graduating, I drifted from crap job to crap job. Nothing mattering much. I went and lived on an island in a tent for three months with a girl I was desperately in love with who was engaged to someone else. Yeah, hellish and dumb.

Eventually, I turned 20. I'd been out of high school three years, my dad dead for two and I had NOTHING. No goal, no purpose, nothing. I needed a change and I needed one fast.

So, I made a decision, got up, bummed some bus change from my mom and started out the door. She asked me, "Where are you going?"

I told her, "Downtown, I'm going to join the Air Force."

And out the door I went.

Now, that isn't to say you should go out and join the military but what you may need is just that kind of a change. Something to break the routine and give you a focus - something to keep your mind on a new goal and set of needs.

It may not work - but it did for me. It didn't cure all my ills by any means but it got my life jumpstarted and moving again.

Good luck!
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk.

Old Egyptian Blessing
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