There certainly have been days when I couldn't find anything myself. Fortunately I got past those - but it was a close run thing on occasion.
I'll tell you something. Mostly a secret. Of course I'm putting it out on the internet so it won't be anymore but that's okay. It was long long ago and perhaps you or someone else will benefit from it.
Once, long ago, I had a 9mm parabellum round that I wouldn't shoot. The reason that I wouldn't shoot it was that I had promised that said bullet would only ever be fired if I used it on myself. For years I kept it around and it did spend some time in the chamber of my P-38. More than once it came within a few tiny grams of pressure of fulfilling its destiny.
After some time I wound up briefly dating a girl who knew about this. She knew about it before we dated and things weren't going well. I didn't want her to feel that she should stay with me because I might get depressed and fire that round - so I took her out behind my house, showed her the bullet, which she'd never seen before and flung it over the railroad tracks and into the woods.
We did break up awhile later and were friends for many years after that too. But it wasn't a horrible soul destroying break-up. Just a break up and I survived.
There have been times since then when I've come close to those levels of despair, but never quite as close. Just making the decision to keep on helped.
Depression is a terrible thing - and it's nearly certainly the reason my wife and I are living separately right now. Her depressive episodes wouldn't let her be happy. She's still not entirely happy but the change back to a more familiar state is better for her. I hope she can use that to put things back on track.
For you, well I don't know you well enough to say what might work to make things brighter. It might be that you need a real, solid change in your life. Travel to somewhere new or something entirely outside your experience. That kind of shift can sometimes break a depressive cycle simply because your brain needs to work on other things.
It might just be that you need to take a long walk, either alone or with a friend who won't judge or press you. Go someplace nearby you've never been. Try and connect with everything around you and all the people who have walked that way before you. Sometimes that kind of thing helps me.
I don't know what the fix is - because as humans we are all so variable. I just hope that you do find something because when things are good life is very much worth living.
Be safe and well.
I'll tell you something. Mostly a secret. Of course I'm putting it out on the internet so it won't be anymore but that's okay. It was long long ago and perhaps you or someone else will benefit from it.
Once, long ago, I had a 9mm parabellum round that I wouldn't shoot. The reason that I wouldn't shoot it was that I had promised that said bullet would only ever be fired if I used it on myself. For years I kept it around and it did spend some time in the chamber of my P-38. More than once it came within a few tiny grams of pressure of fulfilling its destiny.
After some time I wound up briefly dating a girl who knew about this. She knew about it before we dated and things weren't going well. I didn't want her to feel that she should stay with me because I might get depressed and fire that round - so I took her out behind my house, showed her the bullet, which she'd never seen before and flung it over the railroad tracks and into the woods.
We did break up awhile later and were friends for many years after that too. But it wasn't a horrible soul destroying break-up. Just a break up and I survived.
There have been times since then when I've come close to those levels of despair, but never quite as close. Just making the decision to keep on helped.
Depression is a terrible thing - and it's nearly certainly the reason my wife and I are living separately right now. Her depressive episodes wouldn't let her be happy. She's still not entirely happy but the change back to a more familiar state is better for her. I hope she can use that to put things back on track.
For you, well I don't know you well enough to say what might work to make things brighter. It might be that you need a real, solid change in your life. Travel to somewhere new or something entirely outside your experience. That kind of shift can sometimes break a depressive cycle simply because your brain needs to work on other things.
It might just be that you need to take a long walk, either alone or with a friend who won't judge or press you. Go someplace nearby you've never been. Try and connect with everything around you and all the people who have walked that way before you. Sometimes that kind of thing helps me.
I don't know what the fix is - because as humans we are all so variable. I just hope that you do find something because when things are good life is very much worth living.
Be safe and well.
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk.
Old Egyptian Blessing
Old Egyptian Blessing
Danae-Log: So. What makes life worth living?
08/05/2010 05:04:26 PM
- 1527 Views
The good bits
08/05/2010 05:17:37 PM
- 1146 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:24:16 PM
- 1020 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:27:27 PM
- 963 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:28:44 PM
- 1073 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:30:42 PM
- 908 Views
Re: I think lots of us had pre-construed that anyway. Sorry.
08/05/2010 05:35:16 PM
- 1025 Views
Try meditation. Just breathing exercises and relaxation.
08/05/2010 05:24:34 PM
- 1094 Views
Re: Um, I meditate. And I manage quote fine without CDs to do it. *NM*
08/05/2010 05:27:28 PM
- 615 Views
I would posit you're not doing a good job if you're considering suicide. *NM*
09/05/2010 04:39:05 AM
- 613 Views
Re: I'm not considering suicide! It says so in my post! I'm so annoyed with people who assume I am!
09/05/2010 05:23:37 AM
- 1087 Views
Why do you need to affirmatively say you're not considering suicide, then?
09/05/2010 05:41:50 AM
- 1098 Views
Re: Because I wanted to make clear my problem, and ask for a little help that wasn't about fixing me
09/05/2010 05:50:27 AM
- 1039 Views
I can only think of one reason
08/05/2010 06:43:11 PM
- 1161 Views
Frankly, I agree, but it's not something of which people can be really be "convinced. "
12/05/2010 12:43:29 AM
- 1138 Views
No
12/05/2010 12:53:42 AM
- 1043 Views
Oh, I totally agree.
12/05/2010 01:05:29 AM
- 950 Views
Ah, so you used "convinced" as a verb and not as a participle *NM*
12/05/2010 09:30:59 AM
- 595 Views
personally
08/05/2010 06:45:45 PM
- 1019 Views
That's an insanely hard question Danae
08/05/2010 08:53:06 PM
- 1119 Views
Re:
08/05/2010 08:58:50 PM
- 1189 Views
Ah, I see
08/05/2010 09:19:22 PM
- 1056 Views
So what makes you think death is any better? *NM*
08/05/2010 09:11:46 PM
- 567 Views
Re: Um, since I am not contemplating suicide, it's not an issue.
08/05/2010 09:16:39 PM
- 1123 Views
No easy answer.
08/05/2010 09:26:52 PM
- 851 Views
Re: Dude, my new pills have cured my insomnia, it is awesome. I'd forgotten about that.
08/05/2010 09:28:54 PM
- 999 Views
I just wanna know what's next, 'cause it tends to be baffling.
08/05/2010 10:18:16 PM
- 1125 Views
Re: Do you believe in reincarnation? You might be able to! *NM*
09/05/2010 05:24:17 AM
- 481 Views
That would be way awesome.
09/05/2010 11:53:40 PM
- 1075 Views
Re: I haven't read it. Or heard of it. Let us know what it's like! *NM*
10/05/2010 08:36:41 AM
- 621 Views
Experience
08/05/2010 10:44:08 PM
- 1118 Views
I'm fairly certain there isn't some magic "thing."
08/05/2010 10:45:34 PM
- 956 Views
Because I can't be world dictator if I am dead
08/05/2010 10:47:37 PM
- 948 Views
Re: I think it's a RAFOnaut thing, to want to be world dictator.
09/05/2010 05:28:01 AM
- 1052 Views
Helping other people. *NM*
08/05/2010 10:51:28 PM
- 482 Views
Can't help you there.
08/05/2010 11:22:01 PM
- 993 Views
Some days it just boils down to duty.
09/05/2010 12:52:06 AM
- 1118 Views
Re: The no expectations thing is HARD. To do on a moment-to-moment basis.
09/05/2010 05:43:00 AM
- 1077 Views
I was in a slightly bleak mood when I wrote the first reply. I need to amend it.
13/05/2010 12:59:09 AM
- 1156 Views
That there will be a sixth season of Supernatural?
09/05/2010 06:30:34 AM
- 1078 Views
Re: I actually haven't watched anything since xxx released ddd and told aaa he'd say ssss.
09/05/2010 10:28:03 AM
- 885 Views
love, connection with others, the awe of being alive in the world
09/05/2010 07:17:34 AM
- 880 Views
Whatever you decide it does
09/05/2010 10:17:09 AM
- 1001 Views
Yep, it's one of those clips that makes you think mankind isn't that bad after all *NM*
11/05/2010 09:20:38 AM
- 571 Views
The small things.
09/05/2010 10:45:46 AM
- 1101 Views
Re: Dammit, Rebekah, now I have a song playing in my head.
09/05/2010 11:06:46 AM
- 850 Views
Carnal bliss, hydrocodone and brownies
09/05/2010 10:47:24 AM
- 1133 Views
I stick around for updates to the Danae-Log!
10/05/2010 12:14:43 PM
- 1103 Views
Re: Dude.
10/05/2010 04:44:24 PM
- 911 Views
Heh. click the link.
10/05/2010 05:45:53 PM
- 1057 Views