Today I went to go see Predators and in addition to an excellent movie, I had the delightful experience of a movie theater all to myself. I want that again, and I am postitive that if they made an over the top action film with Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, I would be the only person to go see it.

Now I have no use for short people, and they should probably be sterilized for the betterment of the human race, and I have no use for any of their real life doings, but that has nothing to do with whether or not I will enjoy their entertainment efforts. Paparazzi was not made any more enjoyable by featuring Mel Gibson in anger management therapy, and Valkyrie was not made ludicrous by having Tom Cruise in an eyepatch. I have seriously heard that given as a reason by multiple people for their refusal to watch the latter film. I suspect they are full of shit, and using it as an excuse, since they would not watch the German film that was almost the the exact same movie with krauts playing the role that went to limeys in Valkyrie, either. But I digress. What does his public assinine behavior have to do with his qualification to play the role? And what sort of world do we live in where people openly proclaim their creepy voyeuristic interest (as well as their inability to divorce their knowledge so illicitly obtained from the role, implying rather severe mental shortcomings) in the private lives of seriously unaccomplished people as a reason to refrain from watching their work?

And the people who admit they are so weak-brained as to be unable to put their perverse awareness of Tom Cruise's religion, marriage and sexual orientation behind them while watching him in a German military uniform, proclaim me wierd for being able to pick out three actors from Lost in a trailer for the new Robert Rodriguez movie. Incidentally, he should direct the Cruise-Gibson film I am thinking of. I have never disliked a movie he made that was not Spy Kids. In that vein, I have also never seen a Danny Trejo film that was not awesome while not being Spy Kids.

I can just see it - Mel Gibson getting beaten up and snarling at the bad guy before gruesomely killing him, Tom Cruise smirking and shouting at the bad guy before doing something ridiculous to defeat him, and Danny Trejo calling them both loco pendejos. I am thinking they should kill Julia Roberts who is probably a very nice person, but I simply cannot watch without wanting her to get punched in the mouth for demanding we treat her as attractive, or feel glad that Richard Gere has managed to win the heart of a streetwalking whore or that wealthy men who look like George Clooney & Andy Garcia will fight over dibs on her middle-aged lady-parts. And Sean Penn should be in it too, because he's supposed to be another a-hole, but he is a good actor and its about time he made an entertaining movie, and maybe if he was in something with explosions (did I mention there should be explosions? I think that goes without saying) people would look at him and say "Oh that's how actors who look like him should perform" and then stop going to see anything with that creepy doctor-TV-show guy who looks like him.

For the love interest I am thinking of Angelina Jolie, and Megan Fox could play her sister, because everyone's thinking it. And they hate Megan Fox for being hot I guess, and seem surprised that she says things of the intellectual level you would expect of a female in her 20s who has earned her living on her looks. Angelina Jolie would be in the movie because the supermarket checkout magazines all hate her for being more fertile than Jennifer Aniston in both the entertaining movies department and the lady-parts department.

And Shia Lebouf could play the wise-cracking kid brother of Mel & Tom, but all of his lines would be in the preview and get cut like where the bag-eyed lady makes out with Tony Stark's mask in the Iron Man 2 preview. People hate him too, and they would see him talking in the preview and be less likely to go, and I, who don't mind him one way or another, can enjoy the film in piece because he doesn't talk in the actual thatrical release. And if he's going to be in it, it should be an 80s remake or adaptation, if they can find one he has not already held down on a pinball machine to help a modern studio rape, figuratively speaking.

Maybe that could be the plot - Julia Roberts gets raped by a pack of N-words, and Mel Gibson could avenge her and Tom Cruise could help, and everyone would hate that, because it is not politically correct to smirk at rape, but Cruise can't help it. And Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie could help beccause it would be empowering. And Olivia Wilde could be the doctor who treats the injuries from when Gibson gets beat up, because House fans all seem to hate that she plays a doctor. And I think Sandra Bullock's husband could have a cameo. I feel sorry for the guy - wife wins an Oscar and suddenly she's all hot sh!t and too good for him? WTF, Speed girl?

Oh! I forgot! Jessica Simpson should play a scientist! And Lindsey Lohan should be her lawyer. And Christian Bale should wear a bear costume so he has an excuse to growl and no one can complain. What IS the acceptable level of verisimilitude in a superhero disguise, in case I decide this should be a superhero film? The minimalist approach draws jeers from people about no one recognizing Clark Kent with his glasses off, but when a wealthy and famous man disguises his voice to help further avoid recognition, and does so in a manner consistent with his costume's intended purpose of fear and intimidation, he gets ripped for going too far! One movie after he got recognized in costume by his old girlfriend no less.

And speaking of whom, am I wrong in thinking that Katie Holmes should appear in the film so she and Cruise can have a sex scene?
A really long one, so no one can pretend they overlooked it!

I also think Jason Statham should be in this movie to annoy my brother, and Ben Affleck should have a major role. And Sean Connery should play a Chinaman. Why? Because f*** you, that's why! And Jackie Chan should have a scene with Connery, where Chan plays a Scotsman.

This then would be the film:

Stay Home
A cautionary tale about ladies who flaunt it in front of rapists, and the men who explosively avenge them
A Cannoli production
in association with Troublemaker films and Icon Entertainment
A Robert Rodriquez film
Starring:
Mel Gibson Tom Cruise
Angelina Jolie Ben Affleck Megan Fox
Shia LeBouf as the Sidekick
Jason Statham as the comic relief fight-guy
Danny Trejo as the ethnic color
Julia Roberts as the dead woman who should have known better
Katie Holmes as the sex interest
Jessica Simpson as Dr. Eyeglasses
Lindsey Lohan as Ms. Hairbun-Pantsuit esq.
Sean Connery as Sum Yun Gei
Jackie Chan as Angus MacIntosh
Christian Bale as the Bear
and Oliva Wilde as the lady doctor

Special thanks to Francie