Nooooo! You can’t make me!

Get hold of yourself! Only two more episodes to go, including this one.

Okay. Okay. I can do this. Only two more.

I think.

Wait, what?

The episode opens with a bright sunny morning as seen from the walls of Eregion. It starts to pan over the landscape.

2:02 I am not super convinced by this. I don’t have a great eye for visuals, but this does not feel like a shot from the walls of Eregion, looking out at a real place.

Continue panning around to a balcony or something and Celebrimbor is drinking from a glass mug and sighing in contentment while birds chirp in the background.

2:08 It’s like a fucking coffee ad! And of course, this is all just his delusion from Sauron’s mind control, because right now it’s night, and Adar’s forces are bombarding the city.

Now we see a spoon scooping up dark grains or crystals and putting them into a small cup-like crucible.
2:20 Still looks like a coffee commercial.

We go through the steps of smelting, casting and forging a ring.

2:50 At what point in the process does it involve the big swirly pot with all the chutes coming out of it that we saw in the earlier episodes?

Celebrimbor bends a ring into shape and we pull back to see he is at his work bench and eight other rings sit on little holders as he finishes the last. He looks over them and says “Nine… for mortal Men.” for the unobservant or those whose attention keeps wandering from this tedium, regardless of how little sense it makes for him to say it in this context.

3:04 And now the Rings are done. After an indeterminate amount of time of utter frustration and lack of progress with the whole group of smiths. Sauron gives him a pep talk and a container allegedly of powered mithril, during which the attack on Eregion has begun. And all of a sudden the Rings are complete, by Celebrimbor alone, and not through a mass production process, but by smelting the metal and forging each one individually by hand. This should have taken a long time and Eregion should be thoroughly trashed by now.

He looks at the head of his hammer, which appears to have a gem missing. He crawls under the table to look for it, and notices a mouse running across the floor and stopping to rear up before continuing on. He gets up to his knees, and sees his reflection in a piece of metal, surrounded by darkness. Sauron enters, asking if he fell. He glances away and when he looks back, the reflection is ‘normal’. He stammers that Feanor’s hammer is missing a stone, but notices that it is back when he looks down at it. Sauron expresses concern regarding his memory issues, but he says he’s been feeling a lot better lately, and thanks Sauron for it.

4:44 Celebrimbor says that he has felt a lot of clarity in these past weeks. It has been weeks since he has been isolated by Sauron’s illusions. What exactly has been going on with Lindon, with Elrond and with Galadriel and Adar? What about Mori? He found a picture of Eregion last episode, and his timeline is supposed to be intertwined with Isildur, so they are not completely removed from these events, so what does “weeks” mean for them?

Celebrimbor credits the peace & quiet with allowing ideas to flow out and all he is doing is letting them sing. Sauron gives him a look like he isn’t sure how to take this bullshit, and are his damn Rings done yet? Celebrimbor says the Rings of Power are nearly complete.

5:22 He said “nearly complete” but when he was alone, his satisfaction seemed very much like a job he had finished. And there were nine visible on screen. Did they forget? Is there another step? Or is he beginning to suspect something hinky and is wary of telling “Annatar” that he’s done?

Sauron presses for a timeframe, but Celebrimbor doesn’t care about meeting a deadline while making something perfect & eternal. Sauron says it will be sad when he’s done, because he likes hanging with Celebrimbor, who says “all things must end” in a direct contradiction of his immediately prior line. Sauron says it’s a pity and leaves and Celebrimbor looks after him befuddled or worried or distracted. Who can tell?
Outside, Sauron strolls casually through a ruined city with fires everywhere and fireballs crashing around him. The camera pulls up to show Eregion well and truly trashed.

In the woods, the Orcs are lighting the payload of a trebuchet and launching it at the city. Adar watches and says “It is time,” in the Black Speech, and an Orc turns to go do whatever it is time for.

6:35 Logistically speaking, how did they get all the ammo here? Just carrying lots and lots of boulders and containers of pitch or whatever is making them burn? Enough to continuously launch at the city for weeks?

Back in the city, Sauron is looking around like a tourist killing time in the midst of the chaos, and Mirdania and a soldier Elf come up asking for orders from Celebrimbor. Sauron says Celebrimbor refuses to permit a counter-attack, relying on the river to hold out the Orcs. The soldier Elf says that Elves are dying every moment and they have to do something, and Sauron says that’s why they’re going to disobey Celebrimbor. He tells the soldier to gather his finest troops, he, Annatar, is taking command of the defenses. The soldier is happy and runs off, but Mirdania knows he’s withholding something and asks him. Sauron tells her that Celebrimbor has lost his mind. She expresses support and he says she’s proven herself and when the time comes, she will be … duly rewarded.

7:48 Gee, I WONDER if something bad is going to happen to Mirdania?

Sauron reacts, and Mirdania asks what’s up and he says the siege engines have gone silent and goes to toward the wall to have a look.

7:54 Yeah, see. It’s a notable thing when the engines stop, so they have been launching continuously.

Also, in spite of Sauron’s assertion, there are still smoky black trails of recent projectiles right in front of him, meaning the writers are probably thinking of the noticeable cessation of noise from artillery, as opposed to the thumping of wood & rope mechanisms on the far side of a major river outside a city full of panic and chaos. There is no way he should have heard the stoppage so soon, rather, he should have observed that missiles have stopped coming in.

On the far bank of the river, the Orc crews are pivoting the trebuchets and catapults. The camera slowly moves across the river from the Orc’s perspective, and back in the city, the soldier Elf, having apparently become distracted from his assignment to gather the finest troops, describes what we just saw. The camera rises to look at a cliff behind the trees. Sauron says Celebrimbor was more mistaken than they knew.

8:38 I assume they are going to damn the river with an avalanche.

He calls out an order to prepare for ground assault. Soldier elf is confused, because, river.

8:50 Ground assault as opposed to what other kind? They don’t have airborne capacity. Assault is an attack by troops, generally on a fortified position, and the term in this context means as opposed to the bombardment that has been going on.

The Orcs bombard the mountain until rocks start to break off, and Mirdania explains for those who are looking at something other than their browser window with Amazon, that they are damming the river. Comparatively tiny rocks are causing gigantic stone spires to break off the mountain and crash into the river. Finally a soldier Elf shouts out Sauron’s order/warning about a ground assault. Outside the city, someone runs through the woods. He stops on the far side of the river from Eregion (that is, the same side as the Orcs, who are nowhere around.)

10:01 Mori’s here! Yay?

Celebrimbor is setting jewels into the Rings. He hears mouse noises and sees the same mouse rearing up in the same spot before running off. He makes an expression

10:30 Is that mouse nibbling on a dead body right in the workshop?

Celebrimbor marks a line near the top of his candle.

10:40 So he’s trying to keep track of time with the candle, except he has seen his own reflection appear to change. What is to stop whatever he suspects might be at work on his mind from affecting the candle, too?

And does he have a firm & precise knowledge of how long it takes wax to melt so that he can tell by the candle how long has elapsed?

New establishing shot of a mountain with streams flowing down the rocks. Turns out it’s Khazad-dum. In the King’s throne room/treasure vault, Narvi is reporting that the Elves have sent a message that Eregion is under attack. The King’s response is basically to note their desperation and that this makes it urgent that they take back the mine that Durin & Disa have Occupied, because it’s costing them huge amounts of wealth.

11:30 He needs the mine taken back from the flock of bats that scared off the miners? He isn’t mortified that his right-hand Dwarf was routed by bats?

Durin & Disa are standing ready with their weapons as Narvi & several other Dwarves approach. Disa challenges them and Durin warns them off. Narvi says “No” and he and his followers hoist their weapons dramatically and Durin & Disa reply in kind, until Narvi dramatically places his axe on the ground and says they are there to join the movement because King Durin is lost to the Ring. He tells them about the Elf who has come with news and that they will have to be discreet in meeting with him because he’s been banished from all Dwarven lands, which makes him a really stupid choice to send on this particular mission. In Durin & Disa’s home, they enter to see Elrond posing in front of their sun-shaft tree, he turns dramatically to reveal that it is, in fact, Elrond.

12:44 Where are their kids? Were they just sitting home alone while their parents were blocking the mine? Did Narvi ask them to entertain Elrond while he fetched their parents?

Elrond & Durin exchange greetings, with Durin spewing out nonsensical joke-insults the writers think are poetic or creative. They highlight “tidal-haired”. Durin says he’s about to overthrow his father, and Elrond says the Elves are about to be defeated without his help.

Back in Adar's army, an Orc is doing a drum solo to urge his comrades into the fight. They swarm across the dried up river as the Elves on the wall start shooting at them, taking a toll. One Orc shoots back, killing an Elf. Mirdania is watching all of this in horror, because traditional gender roles are very important to Amazon – just because they are hyping women in STEM in Eregion does not mean they are going to have any skill with weapons.

The camera focuses on a siege engine of some sort the Orcs are dragging through the mud of the riverbed toward the city. Mirdania goes to tell the Captain that the Orcs have a Ravager. He orders the archers to stop it. He is talking in Sindarin when she approaches, delivers her news in English and he gives his orders still in Sindarin.

15:42 We’re back to the issue of Elves, in the company of only their own kind, switching back and forth between Elvish and English.

And what’s a Ravager?

Elrond sits nervously in his workshop. Sauron comes in asking about the Ring. Elrond shushes him and points to what he is watching, telling him to wait for it. We watch the mouse do its thing again. Exactly the same.

16:20 Sauron’s illusion is a video loop!?!?!? He RECORDED this, before beaming it into Celebrimbor’s mind? How is the show this stupid?

Celebrimbor explains the pattern to Sauron and points out that something similar is going on with the embers of the forge as well. Sauron says they don’t have time for this and Celebrimbor responds that actually, they have all the time they need. The candles he marked have not burned down.

16:56 And now Sauron’s deception has backfired, because Celebrimbor thinks he’s in Groundhog Day!

Sauron utterly owns this, saying that he just wanted to give Celebrimbor peace.

17:12 The smart thing to say here is “Maybe if you finish the Rings, this will be put right”, not to completely admit you’re the one behind it all.

Celebrimbor is less than thrilled, asking what Sauron did to him. Sauron says Celebrimbor was asking for it with his slutty gowns and begged Sauron for advice, but now he’s freaking out over seeing a mouse. Celebrimbor is pissed, saying no one from the Valar would mess with his head, and demands to know who Annatar is. Sauron responds that he is the one keeping everything running so Celebrimbor can prove himself and shouts back that he wants the Nine. Celebrimbor throws the hammer at him, he dodges and it goes through a window, and sounds of battle come in. Celebrimbor opens the French doors to the balcony and Sauron glares at him, apparently done with the illusion, as he sees the actual siege outside. Celebrimbor comes back inside and looks around the room to see that it’s trashed, with rubble all over and fallen stonework.

19:23 Pretty good illusion that he never tripped over the rubble while he was working.

Celebrimbor starts sobbing and lurching around wailing. The container of of mithril he was using to make these last Rings actually contains a dark viscous liquid.
20:18 Okay, so Sauron cut his hand to put his blood into the Rings. I thought it was to enchant Celebrimbor.

Sauron throws back the line that true creation requires sacrifice and shows his cut palm. Celebrimbor says “You are he, are you not?” Sauron says he has many names. Celebrimbor goes outside and standing on the porch in front of the tower when a projectile hits, sending him flying off the side. After a brief commercial for a year-old movie, we rejoin Celebrimbor lying in the rubble with that post-explosion sound effect dimming other noises, that movies use when bombs go off but is not at all appropriate for a big rock landing nearby.

He rushes to the battlements, ignoring the archers shooting and men fighting orcs who have gained the top with siege ladders, shouting for Mirdania. When he finds her, he begins babbling about Sauron in the most disjointed way possible in order to conveniently support Sauron’s narrative that he has gone crazy.

21:44 The things Celebrimbor chooses to say to Mirdania mean nothing to her and there is no real reason why he’d tell her about the missing ruby or the mouse. The real reason for saying these things is justifying to the audience the discrepancies in the illusion. One bit of convenient scripting to explain another.

The more Celebrimbor rants that Mirdania has to believe him, the more she shys away, until Celebrimbor notices an Orc pounding spikes into the wall with a giant mallet. Celebrimbor says it’s the thinnest part of the wall. The spikes are attached by chain to a mechanism that stretches the chains and starts to pull as Celebrimbor shouts they need to brace the foundations. He turns around and Sauron is there. He starts telling the nearby guards to seize him, and warning that it’s Sauron who has been tricking them all along. Mirdania says he has been protecting them and a guard chimes in that this was while Celebrimbor was in his tower giving disastrous orders. Celebrimbor insists that was Sauron and suggests cutting Annatar open to see his black blood for proof. Sauron holds up his hand and cut is red now.

Mirdania tries to lead Celebrimbor off. As he jerks his arm away, Sauron makes a small hand motion and Mirdania goes flying off the battlement. She lands on the ground and is still alive until an Orcs with an axe takes care of that, while Celebrimbor flinches in horror.

Sauron looks mildly regretful (most favorable interpretation of the acting) about the death and approaches Celebrimbor telling him that if he just finishes the Rings, he’ll spare the city. Celebrimbor asks what Sauron will do with them and he says “create a perfect and lasting peace.” Guards start to lead Celebrimbor away when a horn sounds and everyone turns to look.

A Elf is sounding the horn, on a horse with barding that looks like gold foil. Then we cut to a whole army of Elves riding up. At a dead charge, of course. Elrond is in the lead. In response, Orcs are running through the woods and up a hillside to get to the fight. They form up in a big mob and Adar pushes through their crowd.

Gil-Galad is also with the army and he and Elrond exchange looks before Elrond leads a charge. The Elves are in sunlight, and there is shadow around them. The Orcs bring Galadriel’s prison cart up through their mob, with the cover over it for dramatic purposes. The Orcs seem to be really looking forward to the surprise, and indifferent to the army charging down on them. They whip off the cover and Galadriel is revealed to Elrond. An Orc is pricking her neck, drawing a trickle of blood.

26:22 Galadriel is a military officer in this very force. She should not be of any use as a hostage. She is not a noble or a ruler or anything like that, she is someone whose official job is to die for the kingdom. Her presence should not deter this charge in the slightest.

The Elves continue to charge for a bit and then a halt is called, and the whole army instantly draws to a stop right at what appears to be the terminator line, with the Elves in sunlight, less than twenty feet from the Orcs in shadow. Adar is at the front.

Galadriel looks a little guilty in her cage. As Elrond rides, up Adar greets him by name. The camera zooms in on his face with dramatic music.

26:47 His expression is like “WTF have you told them, Galadriel?”

Back in Adar’s dining room, Galadriel is chained to a post, while Elrond sits across the table from Adar. Adar asks to see the Ring, and Elrond scoffs that he’d be stupid to show him, if he actually had the Ring with him.

27:03 Again, I have to ask how and why they agreed to come and sit at Adar’s dinning table? Why aren’t they negotiating on the field? What kind of assurances did the Elves get that their commander would go alone into the heart of the Orcish encampment?

Adar says that Elrond is a courtier who wields a scroll not a sword and Elrond retorts Adar hasn’t seen him wield either. Galadriel, apropos of nothing, pipes up that he should have kept charging. Adar orders her tongue cut out if she speaks again. The Orc with the mail covering on his head, whom I shall refer to as Family Orc, because he had the She-Orc & baby in the beginning of the season, holds a huge knife to the side of her neck.

27:22 A. Galadriel is right. (shocker, I know)

B. that’s not where the tongue is.

C. Why is Galadriel speaking up now? Why didn’t she shout “keep charging!” on the field? Why didn’t she say something at ANY point before the discussion started? . Furthermore, she is phrasing it like a criticism, instead of the actual self-sacrificing way, like “forget about me, kill these SsOBs.” And her admonition that he should have kept charging undermines Elrond, when he had just pushed back against Adar’s comment that he wasn’t a warrior. Galadriel implicitly criticizing his military actions supports Adar’s insult.

And D. what is going on with the assault on Eregion? Did the Orcs pause the attack? Do the defenders understand that there is a truce and they shouldn’t be shooting at the Orcs in the meantime? Are the Orcs going to have to fight their way back to the walls after the talks with the Elves? Were they all diverted to face the charge of the Lindon Elves?

When Adar asks for the Ring to get rid of their common enemy, Sauron, Elrond points out that Adar is doing Sauron’s bidding by besieging Eregion. Adar says Eregion is totally under Sauron’s control, along with everyone inside, even Celebrimbor and they can’t save him. He can, however, save Galadriel No, thanks! He says he’s serious, take his offer and let him kill Sauron. Then he goes on to say that Elrond has the beauty of his “foremother, Meian of the Valar.”

28:17 Melian of the Maiar, not the Valar.

He goes on to say that if Elrond has a fragment of Melian’s wisdom, he’ll know he can’t win, that Adar will outmaneuver him and his forces outfight Elrond’s.

28:36 This is a classic example of pointless lore-dumping while being completely ignorant of any real meaning to it. The idea that Orcs can outmaneuver or outfight Elves is nonsensical. The Orcs need impossible numbers and the help of some great evil power in order to beat Elves.

Adar has shown no sign of possessing any such power, nor has he displayed any particular tactical acumen, merely the extreme good fortune that no one bothered to look at the massive earthworks he was digging across the Southlands or actually check that his decoy bundle of cloth really did contain the evil relic that was critical to his plan. Or just execute him on sight.

The notion that a descendant of a being Adar thinks is a Vala is outmatched against a broken ex-Elf of the Avarri, that the son of Earendil the Mariner, great-grandson of Beren Erchamion and Luthien Tinuviel, scion of Thingol the first king in Middle Earth, and King Turgon of Gondolin can’t take this clown with arm behind his back, is absurd.

Don’t cite the lore. It’s only going to bite you in the ass

Elrond retorts that Adar won’t beat the Elves until he has painted the river valley black with the blood of his kin.

28:44 The way that Family Orc looked up from Galadriel it was like he was hearing for the first time that high casualties were a possibility.

Adar responds that his children have endured worse than Elrond can imagine. Elrond keeps harping on the cost in Orc lives. The Orcs exchange troubled looks, with Family Orc even lowering his blade from Galadriel’s throat. Sauron just demands the Ring for Galadriel’s life. Elrond turns away from him to approach Galadriel, ostentatiously subtly removes a pin from the shoulder of his cloak with less subtlety than Halbrand stole the guild crest last season. Family Orc looks like he regrets the circumstances here. Then Elrond turns to Adar and says “Ask me on the field, when the neck with a blade against it is yours.” Adar says okay, he’ll meet Elrond there with her head on a pike.

Elrond then asks to say farewell to Galdriel. Adar checks with Family Orc, who affirms that Elrond is unarmed. Elrond gives Family Orc the side-eye as he approaches Galadriel.

30:11 Don’t give Family Orc such a dirty look! He’s only trying to keep his family safe.

What exactly are Family Orc’s duties? He opened Galadriel’s cage when she was brought in, he was attending Adar with the warhorn and now he is both in charge of security for this meeting and Galadriel’s designated executioner.

Elrond whispers in Elvish to Galadriel asking for forgiveness, and she tells him to win. He touches her cheek, she closes her eyes and leans into the caress, he gives her a long kiss, before slowly drawing away.

30:47 Kind of a weird way to kiss your mother-in-law, but I am assuming he smuggled her something.

Elrond says a word, which is apparently the name of another Elf who has barely appeared in the frame, but follows him out. Outside, the other Elf points out that they are outnumbered ten to one so why does Elrond seem so confident? Elrond tells him in Sindarin that Durin is going to be coming with a legion of Dwarves. He orders his henchman to guide them on a flank attack on Adar at sunrise.

31:19 Be really funny if all of a sudden one of these watching Orcs blurts out “Oh, shit! Dwarves? Really?” All you need to know is the Elvish word for Dwarf. I didn’t hear it (I think it’s Naugrim) but I did hear Durin’s name.

In Khazad-dum, Durin begins making a speech to the warriors, that continues over a shot of Galadriel revealing the pin Elrond removed in her hand, which she uses to pick her shackles. Durin reveals that Sauron has returned, while we watch Celebrimbor, in handcuffs, finishing up the Rings under Sauron’s eye. As Elrond rides out of the Orcish lines, Durin says that the Elves cannot beat him without their help. He says that Sauron thinks by stoking their greed, he can demoralize them, over a shot of King Durin brooding. As Durin says Sauron hopes to defeat them without fighting, the King picks up his axe and leaves his throne room. Durin says that the Dwarves value loyalty more than money or their home, and asks the crowd to join him to show the world as much. He hypes them up and they start shouting Baruk Khazad! over and over, which observant readers of the Two Towers might recall as meaning “the axes of the Dwarves”, a cry which Durin’s descendant Gimli son of Gloin will shout at Helm’s Deep.

Everyone is all fired up to march to Eregion.

32:10 The Dwarves have not even left yet. Normally, I’d wonder how they are supposed to get a legion to Eregion by morning, but apparently, time is a meaningless construct.

Meanwhile, Elrond and the other Elves are fighting on horseback against a mob of Orcs. They fight their way through the Orcish camp, with Elrond urging his troops to get to the wall, and they ride into the mud of the riverbank. Elrond is unhorsed and kills several Orcs while still on his back, only to notice one of them has slit the throat of his horse and licks the blade, because remember Lurz? Anyway, Elrond fights him and some friends near one of the siege engines.

35:46 Is Elrond going to launch one of these guys by catapult or trebuchet?

Elrond backs the horse-killer up into the scoop of the trebuchet after the Orc steals his helmet and cuts his face, then pins him into the payload, and looses the arm, sending the Orc flying to crash into the city wall. Elrond goes over to his dead horse to mourn it, instead of IDK, wrecking the siege engine? Anyway, the Orcs seem to respect the moment, since no one attacks him, and then he gets up and runs off.

Back at the city walls, the Orcs are scaling ladders in a desperate attempt to remind us of Helm’s Deep. The engine with the chains is like a giant reverse crossbow, and the mechanism, instead of launching a projectile, instead yanks really hard on the chains, dragging the stones they are stuck in out of the wall. Why they drag the stones, instead of just popping the spikes out, IDK. The boss orders them to reset the Ravager and do it again.

36:59 Ravager … isn’t the worst name for this thing. Considering the rape connotations.

It’s now dark and Family Orc tells Adar that the wall is stronger than they thought and they might not make a breech until the morning. Also, Elrond is doing better than Adar thought, that he and his troops have destroyed five trebuchets and many Uruk are dying.

37:16 And now Family Orc is bringing reports on the overall battle situation. He is reporting on both the strength of the wall, which should come from the crew of the Ravager, and on the fighting around the trebuchets. This suggests he is some sort of commander or chief of staff.

Family Orc wants to retreat. Adar refuses, saying they can’t let Sauron escape and to bring down the wall at any cost. Family Orc shouts his name and when he turns back, Family Orc whimpers that Adar told them he loved them. Adar says he loves them too much to let them be enslaved by Sauron again. Family Orc does not look reassured. Adar enters his dining room to discover that Galadriel is gone. He orders a search, and finds the pin Elrond smuggled her near the body of an Orc guard.

Galadriel is making her way through the encampment swathed in a heavy cloak, covering all her features. A nearby Orc dragoons her into helping carry a litter to a funeral pyre. She watches Adar performing some sort of funereal rite over the dead. She turns to leave and is almost out when the last Orc in camp spots her hair and comments on it, despite her flinching away. Before she can do anything more than leer at Galadriel an arrow hits her, then a second one hits another Orc, Galadriel looks around, but doesn’t see anyone so she books. She climbs out of the trenches and makes eye contact with her rescuer, Mori.

40:53 Wow, good job, Mori. There is a perfectly rational and logical reason why you were lurking around in the perfect spot to provide covering shots for Galadriel’s escape, I am sure.

Galadriel says she is grateful for whatever force brought him here, and tells him she knows a way into the city.

41:10 Sounds like Galadriel is saying “Thank Eru for plot armor.”

She says they have to find Sauron, but Mori says he is here for Adar. Galadriel says if he tries now, Adar will kill him. Mori doesn’t care, because Adar has taken everything else from him. Galadriel talks him down, saying they are short on heroes and it would be a shame to lose another.

41:58 “We have five more seasons and we are burning through plot at an insane pace, Mori! We need to save Adar for a more climactic episode later on!”

Now we have the rocks with the streams again, so I think this is Khazad-dum. Which it is, and Durin is getting ready to march, when he hears Narvi shouting for him.

42:15 Now is King Durin doing something crazy, or is he actually going to help?

Narvi comes running up, out of breath and bloody-faced, to report that King Durin has attacked his men and carved his way through them to get back to digging. Narvi is worried that he’s going to free the beast. Durin asks about Disa, and Narvi says she wants him to recall the army. When Durin objects, asking what about Elrond, Narvi says that if he goes to Eregion, Khazad-dum might not be there when he comes home.

43:02 Looks like Durin has to put his money where his mouth is. Earlier he was saying that the Dwarves value loyalty more than their home.

Annatar opens his eyes suggesting maybe he was behind King Durin’s lunacy. He reassures Celebrimbor, still shackled to his workbench, that after he fixes Middle Earth, all their sufferings will be worth it. Celebrimbor is skeptical about the plural and Sauron explains that it pains him to have to treat Celebrimbor like this. Celebrimbor accuses him of treating lots of people like this, but Sauron says this is how Morgoth treated him.

Sauron says there were philosophical differences between him and Morgoth, and that Morgoth wanted to destroy what Sauron wanted to perfect and that he tortured Sauron so that the pain became a game and a contest of wills. Celebrimbor accuses him of choosing to inflict the same pain on Celebrimbor himself but Sauron says Celebrimbor chose it, not him. His logic is that the Rings are necessary, full stop, and since Celebrimbor wouldn’t do it the easy way… Celebrimbor says he really is the great deceiver, because he deceives even himself. Sauron is pissed and orders him to finish the Rings.

Left alone so the plot can happen, Celebrimbor holds up a Ring, hearing faint voices. Then he snatches all of them up and brings them to the fire, where he hears more voices, but drops them in.

Out on the battlements, the Elves are chucking explosives out over the Orcs, and igniting them with fire arrows. Elrond and friends are cutting down the Orcs who get set on fire below.

Celebrimbor takes the Rings out of the fire, but they are unharmed. He hastily shoves them in a little bag and starts trying to remove his shackles with various tools. He tries to force the cuff over his left hand, then turns to a stamping machine, and slowly puts his hand in it. Recalling what Sauron said about Morgoth, he asks aloud whose will is mightier, and crunches down on his hand.

He seems to climb out a water gate, and make his way down the conveniently stepped drain chute, clutching his hand. An impact nearby jolts him and he falls off the edge. He revives with a group of soldiers gathered around, thinking this is some sort of madness and one says he is to remain in the tower for his own safety, by order of Annatar, Lord of Eregion. They haul him to his feet to lead him back to the Tower.

50:12 With the Rings all forged, why would Annatar care about keeping Celebrimbor locked up, or maintaining his own authority in Eregion?

Galadriel calls out from off-screen, “Release him!” She approaches, reciting Celebrimbor’s name and titles and ordering his release.

50:22 Yeah, they know who he is. The problem here is that, unbeknownst to Galadriel, he’s developed a reputation for erratic and crazy behavior, on top of which we have evidence of self-harm. You would think after her recent string of fuckups, Galadriel would at least be asking questions instead of leading off with her lispy Karen voice.

They cite the orders of the Lord of Eregion and she insists he is the Lord of Eregion and goes to hold him up.

50:34 And they are doing what she says, instead of pointing out their more current understanding of the situation. They accept her assertion that he is the Lord of Eregion, instead of arguing that he abdicated his duties, and is currently of dubious mental competence. Why? Because there is not enough time in the episode to have the necessary discussion, so they just roll over. It might be that they recognize the moral force of her authority or something, but these guys have no characterization. They have no development, nothing to establish their values or standards. They’re just interchangeable human props.

Galadriel reassures (if that’s the right word) Celebrimbor that it’s her, and she sees where he cut off his thumb to escape the handcuffs. He says he thought she was another illusion meant to give him false hope.

51:02 IDK why the appearance of Galadriel would bring him hope, she’s the one who brought Sauron into Eregion, and then urged the completion of his project. FFS, she’s the one who came up with the ‘Three’ and ‘Rings’ part of the ‘Three Rings for Elven Kings” step in Sauron’s master plan!

She asks if he means Sauron and if they have made more Rings, and he confirms nine to enslave the world of men as he enslaved Celebrimbor. He says it was his fault and she protests.

51:29 The undeniable, foundational fact of this show is that Galadriel is wrong and awful. When they fail to service this notion, the writing sucks. When they recognize it, they flirt with competence. Galadriel is in denial at Celebrimbor’s confession, because it applies to herself as well.

Celebrimbor goes on to say, from the beginning a part of him knew the truth but ignored it because he wanted what Sauron offered. Galadriel admits she did the same. They hear a scream and look up to the top of Celebrimbor’s tower where it came from. It’s apparently Sauron and Galadriel urges Celebrimbor to use the old Dwarven tunnel to escape, that she used to come in. She says it will take him and the Rings far away and I realize just now that what I thought was a cloth he was holding on his bloody hand was actually the Ring bag, and that Galadriel must have felt them when she took his hands. Anyway, Celebrimbor says he can’t and it has to be her. Galadriel says that Sauron will figure it out and chase her, but Celebrimbor says he’ll delay that. He urges her to take the Rings and save anyone in the city she can.

52:14 Finally, rather too many lines into this escape plan, someone mentions saving the people of Eregion instead of the leader whose weakness brought this all to pass. And since we know Sauron is going to get his hands on the Nine eventually, Galadriel fleeing with them is going to be another failure on her part.

Galadriel doesn’t want to leave him to face Sauron alone.

52:20 Galadriel is acting like she is being asked to watch a loved one sacrifice himself, when this is a relationship the show has done nothing to earn and an attitude from her that has not been proven, and, in fact, goes against the grain of her characterization before this, when her overriding concern was her mission and stopping Sauron.

He says it’s his city and he built it (on rock and roll? ) and his place is here. The leading Elf soldier says he won’t be alone. The other guards step up to join him. She apologizes for her part in all of it, and he says it’s on both of them, that neither were strong enough, but maybe no one in Middle Earth is

Celebrimbor begins a pompous speech about the Elves needing to remember that light always overcomes darkness, while we see Elrond and his Elves fighting down below outside the city. He tells her farewell in Quenya and the guards help him head out to face Sauron. She watches them go and tucks the Rings inside her top.

53:10 Oh, FFS, where did Celebrimbor earn this monologue? You don’t do this out of a sudden revelation that you’ve been going down the wrong path for the entirety of the show, unless there have been points in the show to demonstrate how you might have learned this. Sam’s monologue at the end of Two Towers was earned, because it explains how and why he’s been doing what he has been doing all this time and his devotion to the quest and to Frodo. What have we seen in 15 episodes to show how this is a belief of Celebrimbor’s or how he would have learned it? Light is the entirely wrong metaphor to use for goodness or virtue in this case, because up until recently, light has been the illusion Sauron has imposed on Celebrimbor, hiding the truth of the darkness from him.

Also, by saying that no one was strong enough to resist Sauron, they are, basically, suggesting that their failure was beyond their control and not their fault.

To say something nice, where I usually object to Elves suddenly switching from English to Elvish, Celebrimbor saying farewell in Quenya is different, because it’s not day-to-day Elvish speech. It’s their original tongue, but Sindarin evolved in Middle Earth while their people, the Noldor, were in Valinor and for reasons too long to get into here, Quenya was forbidden in Middle Earth after the Noldor returned. Tolkien himself referred to Quenya as their equivalent of Latin. So it makes sense here as a good-bye between two of the last Noldor from Valinor remaining in Middle Earth. It’s fine.

Outside the wall, the Ravager is still yanking away. We have no idea what happened with the Elves who noticed its approach and determined they needed to stop it, and no one appears to have followed up. Elrond and several other Elves, including a female Elf from the far eastern part of the Elf realms he addresses as Rian, watch the Ravager. She is worried it will succeed, and he assures her it won’t and that a single arrow from her can stop it. He asks how many torch arrows she has and she has enough, she just needs a clear line of sight. How that differs from the line of sight they were just watching it with is not clear. Elrond leads his unit through the battle, cutting down Orcs to get closer to the engine. He tells Rian to take the shot, but some Orcs evidently do understand Elvish and they obey his commands instead. Rian promptly gets hit with at least five arrows and falls.

55:12 Plot contrivance arrows are the ultimate key to victory or defeat. And it’s not enough that their sniper (are there Elves who are NOT good archers? These people have been practicing for thousands of years. How is Rian the one on whom the shot depends? ) gets killed before she can set up the shot, no, she has to be riddled with arrows just to rub it in.

Rian meets Elrond’s eyes as she struggles to her feet. She either draws an arrow from her back or pulls one of the enemy arrows out, and sticks it in a nearby fire.

55:23 My bad, actually, she has to be riddled with arrows to evoke Boromir. Fuck this show.

She staggers upright, while Elrond and friends just stare at her like lumps.

55:29 Why is the Orc marksman not finishing off the Celestial Lions who shot her letting her get to her feet and light up an arrow? He cared enough to riddle her, why not finish the job?

Rian looses a fire arrow and Elves and Orcs alike become aware of the drama of the moment, following the arrow’s flight. It lands in a barrel of some kind, presumably on or near the Ravager. There is a huge fiery explosion sending Orcs flying. Elrond orders his crew over to the attack and Rian watches them go, standing there full of arrows, before a last one takes her down for good.

56:03 Good thing the Orcs had a fuel tank exposed on their rope- & pulley-powered digging machine, so that shot worked. Goodbye Rian, you were nothing more than a melodramatic prop.

Elrond and company advance as he urges them to destroy it. Back in the woods, Adar and Family Orc watch the battle, and Adar says “Send him in,” presumably talking about the big troll he recruited way back when. Family Orc protests that the troll will kill their own kind.

56:32 Poor Family Orc, he is just getting disillusioned at every turn! And now, for the record, his duties include deployment of the troll champion.

Adar repeats his command. Elrond fights on the ground, Mori supports him with arrows from atop the wall. Another archer points out that the Orcs are fleeing

57:01 If someone asks “what new devilry is this?” I’m going to throw something.

Mori observes that they are actually clearing a path, not fleeing. There are ominous noises from the treeline.

In the workshop, Adar is smashing things in frustration looking for the Rings. Elrond enters with his guards, telling Sauron he won’t find them and they are now far away. Sauron minces down the steps saying Celebrimbor is going to bring them to him, but Celebrimbor insists that Sauron’s hand will never touch another Ring again. LoL.

57:51 Why not say Adar has the Rings? It’s all very heroic that you are going to sell your life to deny Sauron the Rings, but walking in and announcing that you know where they are, but you’re not telling, neener neener neener! is basically just telling him where to start looking (e.g. doing horrible things to you and your companions to learn what you know).

The head guard gives an order and the others fan out and surround Sauron, drawing their swords and pointing them at him. The boss guard starts to pronounce an order in the name of Celebrimbor when Sauron twitches his hand and the boss chokes off. Sauron scoffs if Celebrimbor thought he was the only one who put himself in Sauron’s power and makes another small hand motion. The guards all turn to point their swords at each other, and then, at more gestures, simultaneously all stab each other and fall dead.

58:47 Oh, look. Horrible things.

The boss guard approaches and lunges with his blade at Sauron, who sidesteps, takes the blade and cuts him down in one motion, before telling Celebrimbor that he will give Sauron the Nine.

Outside, the troll is approaching, he is more than twice human height, stomping through the battlefield, Orc & Elf both scrambling to get out of his way. He crushes an Elf underfoot and bites the head off a solider of indeterminate race before spitting it out. Mori shouts out a warning that it must not reach the wall and he and the other archers start shooting.

59:34 Yeah, if I’m Family Orc, I’d be pretty pissed at Adar too. Why not send the troll out first, instead of letting all those orcs be killed in a futile attempt to breach the wall without him, and also be killed for being within his reach as he strides across a pitched battlefield?

Also, what’s with the whole team-killing thing? Has he been murdering Orcs in the camp until now? If he has, then you’d think Family Orc would be thrilled to see him deployed, and finally put to use. If he isn’t, how can Adar prevent him from doing so, but not make him behave on the battlefield?

Annoyed by the arrows, the troll grabs two Orcs and holds them up as a shield. Mori takes several shots, but only hits the shield-Orcs, even though the troll isn’t dodging or moving them to intercept. Adar watches with his usual expression, that might be pleasure at the sight, and then he turns to look behind him, where he meets Family Orc’s reproachful gaze. Family Orc turns away and walks off.

59:55 Family Orc might have no choice but to help, but you can’t make him watch!

The troll heaves his corpse shield at Mori who has to dive for cover. Elrond takes advantage of the lull to rush up to the Ravager, when Mori yells a warning. Elrond looks up to see the troll approaching and begins slashing furiously at the ropes to the Ravager, with little effect, until the troll comes up and yeets him out of the way, just tossing him lightly, rather than slamming him against the wall, crushing his body or dismembering him. The troll also ignores Mori’s renewed volleys of arrows. The rope Elrond was cutting finally snaps, and the arm of the engine swings around and slams in the troll’s gut, and he reels back in pain.

Gil-Galad rocks up on horseback with two guards. He hamstrings the troll as he rides past and it drops to its knees, but grabs one of the horses as they pass and smashes it. Gil-Galad shouts at the troll to go back to its hole and be buried. Mori jumps from the wall, to various structures, bounding down to land on the troll’s chest. The creature with enough mass to pick up a horse and rider one-handed, while off-balance on its knees, is knocked flat on its back by a slender Elf landing on it. Mori stabs it through the wrist, pinning its arm to the ground and shouts for Elrond.

Elrond steps up and pins the other arm, and Gil-Galad makes another pass, stabbing the troll, who coughs, laughs and dies.

1:02:09 Glad someone is having fun. I envy the troll its ability to laugh at this. And maybe to die, too.

Elrond and Gil-Galad exchange greetings and Elrond reproaches him for risking himself on the field, but he says a king’s place is wherever he is most needed. Mori trots up to bow his head, but before anyone can say anything, a horn sounds. They exchange looks and flourish weapons.

Adar is at the head of a bunch of Orcs. He draws his sword and orders them to march.

1:02:42 Family Orc is back at the side of Adar. He just can’t help being loyal.

The Orcs march, with siege engine crews picking up weapons to run after them, and Family Orc stays where he is.

1:02:47 Oh, my bad, he’s holding back.

Shot of Elrond, still standing there at the foot of the wall. It’s now light enough to see normally.

1:03:15 The sun is coming out. Be really funny if Elrond and Mori go to get their swords out of the troll corpse, but they are stuck in his now-stone carcass.

The Elf leaders turn to see the sunrise and Elrond shouts that the Dwarves are coming and to look to the north.

1:03:31 Since you haven’t seen them yet, why shout it all over the battlefield to give the Orcs time to prepare?

The camera looks where Elrond points, and we see a hill with trees silhouetted in the rising sun, meaning this is to the east. A single tiny rider is visible cresting the hill. Back to Elrond and the handful of Elves standing by the wall, his expression dims as that undwarfish horseman seems to be all that is coming. He rides up, having come down that hill rather far away, and crossed the river bed, in mere seconds. And it’s the Elf Elrond set to guide Durin’s forces in their flank attack, and he has arrows stuck in him.

The guide tells Elrond that Durin isn’t coming. Elrond is in denial insisting he will. Gil-Galad just gives him a look and turns to face the approaching Orcs, marching into the light with torches and banners.

1:04:26 Remember when Orcs flinched away from the sunlight like vampires?

Gil-Galad orders the Elf survivors to form ranks. Elrond remains kneeling beside the messenger, insisting again that Durin will come.

1:04:35 Messenger Elf is like, “I don’t give a shit, the arrows in me kind of have first claim to my attention.”

Adar orders the Orcs to kill them all, and they break into a run. Gil-Galad orders an attack and the Elves run forward in a loose line, Mori at his side.

1:04:49 Those are ranks? What exactly do the writers think Gil-Galad meant when he said “form ranks”?

And with so few, why charge to attack, instead of climbing the ladders right behind you to get on the walls, where you have more of an advantage?

As the Elves charge, Elrond remains kneeling, gazing off in the direction he called north, but from which the sunrise is coming, and repeats Durin will come, nodding to affirm his statement. There are more gratuitous fighting shots.

1:05:18 I’m sorry, but regardless of Galadriel’s Orc-killing lesson in Numenor last season, I am not seeing a lot of “stab, twist, gut” from even the badasses, like Gil-Galad and Mori.

Mori jump-stabs an Orc and them sees Adar across the field. He kills a couple more Orcs, dodging an arrow.

1:05:25 Is this where Mori falls?

Orcs are starting to cut down Elves. Mori starts to shoot an arrow but an Orc hits him, knocking the bow down, and the arrow flies wide of Adar, who flinches away. Mori roundhouse kicks his assailant. He looks up and Adar is there, stabbing at him. He blocks (or tanks the hit) and draws an arrow to stab at Adar, who grabs his breastplate, holds him a moment and stabs him. Mori tries to grab Adar’s throat, but Adar pushes him down and kicks him.

A group of Orcs have taken up the chains of the Ravager and are pulling themselves. This last bunch of stones that come out do the trick and the wall crumbles, opening a breech.

1:06:09 Is Elrond still sitting there muttering “Durin will come!”?

Orcs pour through the breech into Eregion. Elrond PoV shot, he stares at the battlefield seeing an Elf being swarmed and killed in slow motion while sad music plays.

1:06:35 I guess he is.

Suddenly, Adar is before him, sheathing his sword. Elrod tries to stab him with a knife but Adar catches his wrist and twists until the knife falls away, grabbing his throat and asking if he has forgotten his Rumil. Adar lifts him by the neck, like Vader with Captain Antilles, and quotes Rumil “Never make war in anger” before throwing Elrond down. In his hand is Galadriel’s ring, hanging from a chain. Cut to black.

1:07:31 The fact that Elrond has had the Ring with him all this time makes his actions even worse. For someone so conscious of the risk of the High King endangering his person on the front lines, his own mission to protect the Ring from misuse should be the overriding concern on the battlefield, and his first thought should have been what he needs to do to protect it.

The star of this episode was a piece of siege equipment. The battle was the focus of the story, but each part of it was ridiculously contrived to allow for the Epic or Dramatic moments they wanted. The troll who was built up in a prior episode came and went like a wet fart. Family Orc is getting to be ridiculous with his whole "humanizing the orcs" shtick. Everything is completely contrived. People do dumb things with obvious consequences because the writers want those consequence, and never mind that they should have anticipated and avoided it. Or they try things that are completely ridiculous or tricks that are obvious and they succeed so plot can happen. Sauron just vanishes for no reason, so Celebrimbor can run away with the Rings. We don't see where Sauron went or what he was doing. He's just supervising Celebrimbor, he disappears, Celebrimbor runs, and then Sauron is screaming in the workshop at their absence. And now it looks like we're just playing a giant game of keep-away with the titular Rings.

There is nothing of value here. I do this so people can see and remember and know, when memory fades and shills or idiots try to claim its a legitimate adaptation and start thinking of the events of the show as the default, the way too many people do for adaptations of other works. I'm not saying you can't like or enjoy it, but I am not going to let the only printed word on this show be all those articles from Screen Rant and Collider that appear in my browser making superficial assertions of the show's quality or legitimacy among Tolkien lore. Like my Egwene's Evil project, I'm putting this out there so there is a record for anyone with doubts about Big Brother's version of the story, so people with more of a life or less downtime at work than I, have somewhere to turn for the counter-argument.