On Sunday the 25th, my niece and nephews will be giving a 50th anniversary party for my late wife's older sister and her husband. I will not be able to attend due to a prior commitment. I'm not sorry, for two reasons.
First and foremost, my brother in law is a perfect asshole who was a lousy husband and father. Second, but perhaps even more important to me is this:
His wife, my wife's sister has dementia. It's bad and worsening fast. One year ago when she first visited a neurologist, she scored 22 on the cognitive function scale where 26-30 is normal. Six months later her score was 15. Last month it was 11.
I watched this happen to both my maternal grandmother and my father but neither of them deteriorated this rapidly. I've been very blunt with her asshole husband. it ain't getting better and worse is knocking at the door. It's time he man's up and cares for her for the first time in half a century.
But to be frank, this horrible disease that not only strips all your dignity but all your memories as well, is my own worst nightmare. All possible god's give me heart disease, the most painful cancer known to man, ANYTHING rather than ending up sitting in diapers, in a wheelchair, with drool running down my chin. I will absolutely shoot myself first and both my children are well aware of this.
Dementia is the ultimate Ship Of Theseus, of the brain, as it were. Are you the same person if all your memories are inaccessible? I think not. Cognito ergo est. Hence if I can't think, then I am not.
Roland, you inject philosophy into everything I post. This time I want your thoughts, no matter how verbose. I'm going to be 70 in December and I am terrified of dementia.
I don’t think you should be scared of it. He can’t remember what he did throughout the day very well, but he still remembers his children (and some of his grandchildren). I call and video chat with him daily and he still recognizes me by name, remembers what I do and where I live.
We put on football games for him (all the old Napoli and Italy games), all of which he’s seen before but all of which bring him joy when he sees Napoli or Italy inevitably win. When he talks about the past, he remembers most things fairly well - the more distant, the better he recalls them.
But his inability to remember what happened throughout the day doesn’t impact his life too greatly, I don’t think. He can and does still think - he can and does still make clever jokes that leave us laughing, he can and does still enjoy his days and his time with us. He is still valued (and perhaps he may be more valued now) and loved, and can still feel that love and value and express it to all of us.
In short, he leads a very, very full life, and has everything he needs, mild dementia aside. And every moment that we spend together is a gift I don’t take for granted.
I’m sure your children would feel the same way spending time with you, if it did happen (even though it probably won’t). You’ll find new things to appreciate about each other (as we did) and you’ll grow to have a tighter bond.
I’m so grateful to continue to have him in my life, and I know he’s grateful for all we do for him. In the end, spending time together and enjoying each others company, even if he can’t remember it the next day, is still a beautiful memory for me, and wonderful for him in the moment.
That, to me at least, is the most important thing.
