This past week has seen Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdin both decide to end their lives. They were not people burdened by the hopelessness of abject poverty. Which makes sense because studies on suicide reveal that those desperately poor don’t often kill themselves. Suicide is much more prevalent among those who have plenty but realize their material goods mean little or nothing.
I have been in treatment for chronic depression for 25 years. Suicide is in my thoughts every day. Even more so since Laurel died. Why not join her? The damage it would do to my children and my grandchild is all that stops me.
Depression blows. Nothing can cure it. Talk therapy is annoying particularly when you realize you are smarter than your therapist. Antidepressants only do so much. Sooner or later, if you have half a brain, you realize there is only one way out.
Since Laurel died, I can’t sleep easily unless I am drunk. At 65, the hangovers aren’t worth it anymore. So then I don’t sleep. Or I drink too much and feel like shit for two days. Death is the answer for those who can’t sleep.
What am I saying? That I totally understand why people like Spade and Bourdin made the decisions they made. That I could easily do the same. I haven’t so far. What about tomorrow? Don’t know. I don’t think I will. But who ever knows.
I don't claim to be in the same boat as you, however. By any objective view of the situation, I'm a failure. I have no SO, no kids, my family is small (no cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents etc), so the only people who'd even mourn are my older parents, and my two married siblings. It'd suck for them, I'm sure, but it's not like I'd be leaving anyone behind.
I don't really do plans anymore. Every time I've had a plan I've managed to fuck it up beyond repair. So, my current "plan" is to end it non-violently before summer's end. Lord knows I don't want to hurt anyone else.
EDIt
I’ve been cutting my arms and legs the last two weeks. If anyone asks I tell them it’s from playing with my cat. It actually feels good. Who knew?
I've been doing this the past couple months, just in easily cover-able locations. I know it doesn't actually feel good, but I'll be damned if it's not enjoyable for some reason. I'm pretty sure this speaks more to our fucked-up mindsets than anything else.
Regardless, again, we're not in the same boat, but we both have our head in the same space. And, from one to another, don't do that to your kids. It would shatter them. I know no solution, but hold on to them and their love. They'll certainly miss you otherwise.
