Journal: Entry for SilverWarder
So does uncertainty.
I'm tired of being alone. It hurts.
No - this isn't about sex (although in some ways that is part of it as it has been a LONG time now - Dec 27 2009 if you must know) but about - having someone that you know cares.
I have friends, but that's not the same. I know full well it's a weakness, but I just don't deal well with being single. I expect that it is part of my past, part of my make-up that I feel incomplete, miserable, alone, when single. Sure, I have good friends. And they do care. And that helps. I have my daughter (on those days that I do have her) and on those days, there is enough love that I can get by.
The girl I was hoping to date? She likes another guy and while she calls herself single, she's more or less dating him. But we're still going out for dinner this weekend and she has offered, in all seriousness, to help me with my house renovations. And when we hang out we talk for HOURS and the time just flies by. There's a real connection and we enjoy each other's company.
Maybe - we're just good friends. I'm okay with it, and I do want her to be happy, but there is still that squeak of jealousy. I don't think it would be there if I wasn't hurting - but it is and I am.
Frak. I hate this. Hate it.
I'm not sure I desperately need a 'girlfriend' per se. In fact I'm quite sure that someone I liked who was an occasional lover would probably even be preferable in the short term. But this alone stuff - it leaves my soul bleeding.
Most days I can get by. But I'm tired of it. This is my journal and I figure if I can't be honest with my RAFO friends than I cannot be honest anyplace. Because this is the kind of thing I CANNOT tell the lady in question. Cannot. So with her I suffer in silence and try and hide it because that's what big, dumb, alpha males DO.
Tired of hurting all the time.
SW
I'm tired of being alone. It hurts.
No - this isn't about sex (although in some ways that is part of it as it has been a LONG time now - Dec 27 2009 if you must know) but about - having someone that you know cares.
I have friends, but that's not the same. I know full well it's a weakness, but I just don't deal well with being single. I expect that it is part of my past, part of my make-up that I feel incomplete, miserable, alone, when single. Sure, I have good friends. And they do care. And that helps. I have my daughter (on those days that I do have her) and on those days, there is enough love that I can get by.
The girl I was hoping to date? She likes another guy and while she calls herself single, she's more or less dating him. But we're still going out for dinner this weekend and she has offered, in all seriousness, to help me with my house renovations. And when we hang out we talk for HOURS and the time just flies by. There's a real connection and we enjoy each other's company.
Maybe - we're just good friends. I'm okay with it, and I do want her to be happy, but there is still that squeak of jealousy. I don't think it would be there if I wasn't hurting - but it is and I am.
Frak. I hate this. Hate it.
I'm not sure I desperately need a 'girlfriend' per se. In fact I'm quite sure that someone I liked who was an occasional lover would probably even be preferable in the short term. But this alone stuff - it leaves my soul bleeding.
Most days I can get by. But I'm tired of it. This is my journal and I figure if I can't be honest with my RAFO friends than I cannot be honest anyplace. Because this is the kind of thing I CANNOT tell the lady in question. Cannot. So with her I suffer in silence and try and hide it because that's what big, dumb, alpha males DO.
Tired of hurting all the time.
SW
I really don't see how that's a weakness.
You're not dependent on having a significant other to function as a human being. You're just not as happy as you would be without one. That's far from abnormal, or a weakness. It just means you're human.
-hug- feel happier
Cuz ah say so!!NOW DO IT!!! 
-hug- feel happier
Cuz ah say so!!NOW DO IT!!!