Journal: Entry for Clover
I am 22 today.
It is the first birthday in I-don't-know-how-long that has not involved crying or cutting/otherwise trying to maim/kill myself. A year ago, I ended up in the county's mental health crisis center.
Today I don't feel sad at all.
My birthdays have always been about what I've achieved, which never seems good enough to me. I've felt more and more like a failure each year, actually. Shame is a heavy thing to carry around. And it's impossible to let anyone else help you bear that particular load.
But this year it's just about the day, the weekend, the moments as they come.
I'm not bothering with shame. I mean, it's true that I don't deserve the material gifts I've received lately (we have two dogs, a house on the horizon - and for my birthday, he got me an artist's tablet). I didn't earn the money that allows us to afford these things. But I am very, very grateful for them every single day. I do my best to show it and hope that this is enough.
As for the real gift, the one that is about love - well, it is given freely, returned in abundance, and has no taint of guilt or shame.
This is the marrow of my life right now. I am happy with it.
It is the first birthday in I-don't-know-how-long that has not involved crying or cutting/otherwise trying to maim/kill myself. A year ago, I ended up in the county's mental health crisis center.
Today I don't feel sad at all.
My birthdays have always been about what I've achieved, which never seems good enough to me. I've felt more and more like a failure each year, actually. Shame is a heavy thing to carry around. And it's impossible to let anyone else help you bear that particular load.
But this year it's just about the day, the weekend, the moments as they come.
I'm not bothering with shame. I mean, it's true that I don't deserve the material gifts I've received lately (we have two dogs, a house on the horizon - and for my birthday, he got me an artist's tablet). I didn't earn the money that allows us to afford these things. But I am very, very grateful for them every single day. I do my best to show it and hope that this is enough.
As for the real gift, the one that is about love - well, it is given freely, returned in abundance, and has no taint of guilt or shame.
This is the marrow of my life right now. I am happy with it.
Re: My birthday!
That's really awesome 
. You know we never really talked much you and I, but I'm really glad you're doing good. You've always been a nice person to everyone here (wotmania and here = same thing basically). This journal made me really happy, and I'm glad you're happy too.
Happy birthday! Glad it's a good one.
~~ Del
. You know we never really talked much you and I, but I'm really glad you're doing good. You've always been a nice person to everyone here (wotmania and here = same thing basically). This journal made me really happy, and I'm glad you're happy too. Happy birthday! Glad it's a good one.
~~ Del
I'm glad you're doing so well Clove ^_^
Hope you had a happy happy birthday!!!
Have a great Birthday!! and Many more to follow!! Blessed Be.: D *NM*
I am 22 today.
It is the first birthday in I-don't-know-how-long that has not involved crying or cutting/otherwise trying to maim/kill myself. A year ago, I ended up in the county's mental health crisis center.
Today I don't feel sad at all.
My birthdays have always been about what I've achieved, which never seems good enough to me. I've felt more and more like a failure each year, actually. Shame is a heavy thing to carry around. And it's impossible to let anyone else help you bear that particular load.
But this year it's just about the day, the weekend, the moments as they come.
I'm not bothering with shame. I mean, it's true that I don't deserve the material gifts I've received lately (we have two dogs, a house on the horizon - and for my birthday, he got me an artist's tablet). I didn't earn the money that allows us to afford these things. But I am very, very grateful for them every single day. I do my best to show it and hope that this is enough.
As for the real gift, the one that is about love - well, it is given freely, returned in abundance, and has no taint of guilt or shame.
This is the marrow of my life right now. I am happy with it.
It is the first birthday in I-don't-know-how-long that has not involved crying or cutting/otherwise trying to maim/kill myself. A year ago, I ended up in the county's mental health crisis center.
Today I don't feel sad at all.
My birthdays have always been about what I've achieved, which never seems good enough to me. I've felt more and more like a failure each year, actually. Shame is a heavy thing to carry around. And it's impossible to let anyone else help you bear that particular load.
But this year it's just about the day, the weekend, the moments as they come.
I'm not bothering with shame. I mean, it's true that I don't deserve the material gifts I've received lately (we have two dogs, a house on the horizon - and for my birthday, he got me an artist's tablet). I didn't earn the money that allows us to afford these things. But I am very, very grateful for them every single day. I do my best to show it and hope that this is enough.
As for the real gift, the one that is about love - well, it is given freely, returned in abundance, and has no taint of guilt or shame.
This is the marrow of my life right now. I am happy with it.
Congrats
There are two big things to remember: you're going to have a lot of these, so instead of having standards or preconceptions, you can always just take a birthday as it comes. Same goes for other holidays and regular events. Also, not keeping trophies means that you don't always have reminders of your successes - if you feel better with them, then make sure that they're around. If you can do without, then accept that and find another way to relieve your internal pressures.
If either of those make sense, they can come in handy. In short: When life gets rough, perspective is the key.
Thinking too much can be a real killer, I truly know. Yet there's always the bliss of going with the moment. More importantly, there's the strength you get when you try to make your life a little better at least once every 24 hours.
I hope you have a great birthday! Ice cream cake and chocolate are strongly recommended...
If either of those make sense, they can come in handy. In short: When life gets rough, perspective is the key.
Thinking too much can be a real killer, I truly know. Yet there's always the bliss of going with the moment. More importantly, there's the strength you get when you try to make your life a little better at least once every 24 hours.
I hope you have a great birthday! Ice cream cake and chocolate are strongly recommended...
Happy Birthday!
As Del said, I'm happy to read this and hear you are doing so well. It makes me smile to hear.
Here's to your happiness!
Here's to your happiness!
*hugs* Yay Angie
I'm so happy to read this entry. It is wonderful to see you happy!
It is wonderful to see you happy!