Journal: Entry for globug0822

It couldn't get much worse than my current reality.

Psychological torture only, mind you...

Of my 5 closest friends, 4 of them are pregnant right now. I know it's not particularly fashionable or feminist to say, but I have always wanted to be a mom... It's been my only enduring dream. I stopped wanting to be a doctor after I found out how much Math I'd have to do... stopped wanting to be a dancer when I started feeling fat... stopped wanting to be in the ministry when it was pretty clear I wasn't the "Married:Male" the job postings requested... but I never for one moment stopped wanting to be a mom.

It got to the point where I refused to touch or hold babies because I was afraid it would make it worse. I didn't talk about it because I was afraid it would make me look desperate to guys. I didn't talk about it because it was too painful to admit to anyone but my husband that my body was broken and wouldn't do what I wanted.

And what makes it worse is that the last 2 friends to get pregnant this round (for all of them it's not their first pregnancy) were so thoughtful and considerate... they both told me in-person and before they told almost anyone else because they knew it would be hard for me.

They didn't want me to have to read about it in a facebook or instagram post.

I have such great friends I can't even be mad. Certainly not at them.

But this is my own personal hell.

My love is gone and he's never coming back.

I am alone in a big house.

I am already infertile and getting older by the day.

I feel quite hopeless and alone, even though I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive family but... they are all going to go away. Either I die or they do... and nothing of me or my love will live on after I am gone.

Blergh.

Back to work, I guess.