Journal: Entry for Guinivere

I can't stop thinking about him...

Author: Guinivere Send a noteboard

Posted: 26/09/2011 05:20:10 PM

Views: 2149

It's been almost 2 weeks now, since I found out. Since then, not an hour goes by that I am not thinking about what he would be doing or saying or thinking. I remember and reminisce... I can't get that song out of my head, the one he told me to listen to to remember him if anything happened to him. I think about whether or not he would like a new movie coming out or a show, whatever. He won't be able to read the end of WoT or ASoIaF... that's really sad. He would have loved Game of Thrones on HBO also. I took comfort in thinking that he might have been watching that at the same time as me... now I know that wasn't true.

I truly loved him. I feel bad that I cut off even a friendship, but it's what I had to do. I had to do what's best for my kids. I think I would have been happier if I'd have made a different decision, but not my kids. They are most important. Nobody will ever really know how I feel. How can someone?

I wish I could go back... back to before he died, just to tell him how much I love him. I will never again feel the way I did when I talked to him. Nobody could ever be him. Nobody could ever have the same passion as he did. It's planted deep down in me, somewhere I can go to for comfort when I'm alone with time to think. I just hope that he knew. I can only hope. I cannot know.

Life can be such a bitch. Oh, the irony... the way things play out can be pretty crazy. Who'd have thought this is how it would end? It's like God had a plan all along. He put him into my life to show me what's most important, to MAKE me make that decision. I am stronger for it and I now know that my decision was the correct one, as hurtful as it was, as difficult as it still is to think about.

Then again, his time was cut short. Maybe I should have been there for him in that last year. What if he needed me?? But then, my family also needed me. That's a fact.

I miss him. It's been over 2 years since I was able to talk to him. I kept track of what he was doing, by way of others or by way of posts. I lurked. I just didn't dare get involved. I wanted him to be happy. If I'd have stayed visible, he couldn't move on. I would always be a spark of hope in the back corner of his mind.

I've kept myself so busy. I have bought or adopted so many animals to care for, gotten new jobs, volunteered more. It keeps me where I need to be.

Maybe I can write him into a book sometime, more than what I did with my first book and Von.

That is all. I just wanted to get some of these feelings out. Sorry if I took up too much journal space.

LaS

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The hardest par of this is that I cannot grieve visibly... Submitted by Guinivere on 26/09/2011 05:27:26 PM

The night I found out, I cried for an hour, silently, before finally falling to sleep... I've since cried in the shower or while alone in the car, never anywhere that someone was around. I can't let my family know. My husband still doesn't know about his death. I don't really want him to know while it's still fresh in my mind. He will know what I'm really thinking about when I'm in deep thought. I'm good at pretending to be happy... always have been. I'll keep pretending.

:/ Submitted by LadyLorraine on 27/09/2011 01:58:44 AM

I worry about you sometimes <hug> You know where to find me if you need to talk

Thanks, Celia

Submitted by Guinivere on 27/09/2011 03:49:16 PM

You don't have to worry so much, but I do like the hugs. I just needed to get all that off my chest.

*adds hugs* Submitted by Joel on 27/09/2011 07:09:22 PM

There's nothing to say that will make it better, but try to remember the good times and the good relationship, which I'm certain is what he would want. Treasure the times ya'll had together and know that our loss is his gain. I know you wish you could've remained involved with his life, but from the sound of things it wouldn't have changed how things ended, and would've made things a lot harder for you then as well as now. I'm sure he knew how you felt and respected you more for honoring your commitments despite the cost to yourself. He was an amazingly strong guy, and while I'm sure you would've provided him invaluable comfort and support, he didn't give up because you weren't around--or for any other reason, ever; he was not a quitter, despite everything thrown at him. That's very inspiring and a victory in itself; that's the positive way I'll always remember him. *continues hugging*

Thanks, Bobby

Submitted by LaSombra on 27/09/2011 10:35:16 PM

good words you've crafted there.

*hugs back*

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<quote>It's been almost 2 weeks now, since I found out.  Since then, not an hour goes by that I am not thinking about what he would be doing or saying or thinking.  I remember and reminisce... I can't get that song out of my head, the one he told me to listen to to remember him if anything happened to him.  I think about whether or not he would like a new movie coming out or a show, whatever.  He won't be able to read the end of WoT or ASoIaF... that's really sad.  He would have loved Game of Thrones on HBO also.  I took comfort in thinking that he might have been watching that at the same time as me... now I know that wasn't true.

I truly loved him.  I feel bad that I cut off even a friendship, but it's what I had to do.  I had to do what's best for my kids.  I think I would have been happier if I'd have made a different decision, but not my kids.  They are most important.  Nobody will ever really know how I feel.  How can someone?

I wish I could go back... back to before he died, just to tell him how much I love him.  I will never again feel the way I did when I talked to him.  Nobody could ever be him.  Nobody could ever have the same passion as he did. It's planted deep down in me, somewhere I can go to for comfort when I'm alone with time to think.  I just hope that he knew.  I can only hope.  I cannot know.

Life can be such a bitch.  Oh, the irony... the way things play out can be pretty crazy.  Who'd have thought this is how it would end?  It's like God had a plan all along.  He put him into my life to show me what's most important, to MAKE me make that decision.  I am stronger for it and I now know that my decision was the correct one, as hurtful as it was, as difficult as it still is to think about.

Then again, his time was cut short.  Maybe I should have been there for him in that last year.  What if he needed me??  But then, my family also needed me.  That's a fact.

I miss him.  It's been over 2 years since I was able to talk to him.  I kept track of what he was doing, by way of others or by way of posts.  I lurked.  I just didn't dare get involved.  I wanted him to be happy.  If I'd have stayed visible, he couldn't move on.  I would always be a spark of hope in the back corner of his mind.

I've kept myself so busy.  I have bought or adopted so many animals to care for, gotten new jobs, volunteered more.  It keeps me where I need to be.

Maybe I can write him into a book sometime, more than what I did with my first book and Von. :)

That is all.  I just wanted to get some of these feelings out.  Sorry if I took up too much journal space.

LaS</quote>

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