Journal: Entry for Delireus
So in my last journal, I talked about how I had early esophagus cancer. When I get stressed, my stomach hurts A LOT, even on my pills to help reduce acid.
This past semester at school, I started to get really depressed. I was so worried it would get worse and they wouldn't know until it was too late and that I would die soon. I was also taking a class on death and dying in history. It was this special class, very interesting, my professor has written a ton of books on death, and I feel like everyone should take the class. The beginning was about how people viewed death in the middle ages, then the Renaissance, then we concentrated on the Civil war. This was not depressing, as you have to deal with death every time you study history; everyone you read about is dead. But then we got into how we view death today. How funerals have changed, how we resign ourselves to die in a hospital, which is also where we go to avoid death...and that was crazy depressing. I signed up for the class before I found out about my condition.
So I decided to see a councilor. The school provides 4 free 1 hour sessions, and it did a world of difference. It was amazing to talk to someone and like...unload all of my fears on a stranger, who probably does care if I live or die, but who won't stay up at night worrying. I felt I couldn't tell my friends and family of my fears, because it would make them worry. But it was great. I felt like after my very first session that I finally got everything out and I would be alright. Maybe I suppressed things, maybe I got use to the fear, or maybe I got over it, but I'm not as worried now.
I mean I was a wreck. I'd start crying for no reason at all, like just walking to class I'd break down. Never around anyone though, for some reason. And watching TV was a nightmare, you never realize how many cancer commercials there are until it makes you have a mental breakdown. Buuut I'm doing good. I had this stomach virus a few weeks ago and that really messed me up, and I had ear surgery like 3 weeks ago (to fix a hole in my eardrum from a botched surgery from when I was little) but I'm finally almost healed!
I'm home for the summer, which I've dubbed The Summer of the Doctors. Between my condition and my ear surgery, and various check ups, I'm at the doctors like every week. Each doctor needs to know my medical history, so I tell them about all of this stuff, and each one, no matter what their field is, has something to say about it. "A part of us doesn't want to rely on pills for the rest of our lives, but sometimes we have to" (that's actually really helped me, they said I may have to take a pill for forever, and it scared me, but this doctor was nice and made me realize sometimes you just have to to be well) then another says "well you don't want to be reliant on a pill forever, do you?" then another says "Oh, try this diet, it really helped my cousin" and another goes "it's probably this, try this herbal stuff"
I'm sure they mean well, but shut it. I will rely on my stomach specialist. I've got 10 different people, who barely know about my condition, telling me stuff like I haven't looked into anything before. I might try cutting out gluten from my diet. I dunno, sometimes I feel like if I literally grew my own food seriously, I might get better. But fuck it if I have the time or patience for that shit
Meh, I'm doing good I guess. Good days and bad days. I graduate in December! Lot's of steampunk cons and renfests this year too, and I'm going to see my favorite band!! It's Nightwish, no one judge me, I love them. Things with my boyfriend are great, he's got an awesome summer job, compared to other college kids I know, we're rich. He's up in Kansas though, and I'm in Texas, so we won't see each other for a few months, but we've done it before and it's not too bad.
More and more, I'm concerned about the food I eat. I eat normal stuff, rarely eat at fast food places, we cook every meal (a meat, a side, like rice or a pasta dish, and a steamed veggie) but my dentist was telling me about how there's a huge spike in gastro disorders like mine happening more and more. This is not normal, obviously. Why is this? It's concerning. I feel like, if I'm this messed up when I'm 21, what the hell is going to happen when I'm older and these things usually pop up? I'm holding out for a winning lottery ticket, I think that would do me good.
This past semester at school, I started to get really depressed. I was so worried it would get worse and they wouldn't know until it was too late and that I would die soon. I was also taking a class on death and dying in history. It was this special class, very interesting, my professor has written a ton of books on death, and I feel like everyone should take the class. The beginning was about how people viewed death in the middle ages, then the Renaissance, then we concentrated on the Civil war. This was not depressing, as you have to deal with death every time you study history; everyone you read about is dead. But then we got into how we view death today. How funerals have changed, how we resign ourselves to die in a hospital, which is also where we go to avoid death...and that was crazy depressing. I signed up for the class before I found out about my condition.
So I decided to see a councilor. The school provides 4 free 1 hour sessions, and it did a world of difference. It was amazing to talk to someone and like...unload all of my fears on a stranger, who probably does care if I live or die, but who won't stay up at night worrying. I felt I couldn't tell my friends and family of my fears, because it would make them worry. But it was great. I felt like after my very first session that I finally got everything out and I would be alright. Maybe I suppressed things, maybe I got use to the fear, or maybe I got over it, but I'm not as worried now.
I mean I was a wreck. I'd start crying for no reason at all, like just walking to class I'd break down. Never around anyone though, for some reason. And watching TV was a nightmare, you never realize how many cancer commercials there are until it makes you have a mental breakdown. Buuut I'm doing good. I had this stomach virus a few weeks ago and that really messed me up, and I had ear surgery like 3 weeks ago (to fix a hole in my eardrum from a botched surgery from when I was little) but I'm finally almost healed!
I'm home for the summer, which I've dubbed The Summer of the Doctors. Between my condition and my ear surgery, and various check ups, I'm at the doctors like every week. Each doctor needs to know my medical history, so I tell them about all of this stuff, and each one, no matter what their field is, has something to say about it. "A part of us doesn't want to rely on pills for the rest of our lives, but sometimes we have to" (that's actually really helped me, they said I may have to take a pill for forever, and it scared me, but this doctor was nice and made me realize sometimes you just have to to be well) then another says "well you don't want to be reliant on a pill forever, do you?" then another says "Oh, try this diet, it really helped my cousin" and another goes "it's probably this, try this herbal stuff"
I'm sure they mean well, but shut it. I will rely on my stomach specialist. I've got 10 different people, who barely know about my condition, telling me stuff like I haven't looked into anything before. I might try cutting out gluten from my diet. I dunno, sometimes I feel like if I literally grew my own food seriously, I might get better. But fuck it if I have the time or patience for that shit
Meh, I'm doing good I guess. Good days and bad days. I graduate in December! Lot's of steampunk cons and renfests this year too, and I'm going to see my favorite band!! It's Nightwish, no one judge me, I love them. Things with my boyfriend are great, he's got an awesome summer job, compared to other college kids I know, we're rich. He's up in Kansas though, and I'm in Texas, so we won't see each other for a few months, but we've done it before and it's not too bad.
More and more, I'm concerned about the food I eat. I eat normal stuff, rarely eat at fast food places, we cook every meal (a meat, a side, like rice or a pasta dish, and a steamed veggie) but my dentist was telling me about how there's a huge spike in gastro disorders like mine happening more and more. This is not normal, obviously. Why is this? It's concerning. I feel like, if I'm this messed up when I'm 21, what the hell is going to happen when I'm older and these things usually pop up? I'm holding out for a winning lottery ticket, I think that would do me good.
"It feels like someone with a fever is yelling at my pants!"
Note: Just because we moved does not mean I shall stop abusing the smileys
Note: Just because we moved does not mean I shall stop abusing the smileys
Re: Doing better
Wow that's so much to deal with especially while you're in school! I hope you are proud of yourself for getting through that! I'm so glad you are getting some time for yourself now 
Glad you found someone you could talk to.
It is better to get it all out. How death has been dealt with over time is an interesting topic. Also, how different books deal with death is interesting. I read Tuesday's with Morrie and that changed how I felt about death. My very best wishes for your health and happiness.