Journal: Entry for Lupine
I kinda need to vent again.
Author: Lupine Send a noteboard
Posted: 12/03/2010 03:15:49 AM
Views: 2932
So, an hour-ish ago I told my boyfriend that I wasn't depressed anymore and had put the day in perspective, but apparently that's not true... I'm eating tons of food that I know is going to make me quite ill, for one thing.
I had that appointment with the specialist today. He saw me for maybe two minutes and asked the same questions as the other docs. We agreed to do a sigmoidoscopy (and biopsies) first, which is almost exactly like a colonoscopy but does not look at the whole colon. It's also a LOT cheaper. So that's scheduled for April 1st. Another two weeks of waiting.
I won't say the doctor was bad; he was brusque, but that doesn't tell you much. He did ask while examining me if I was nervous/scared, which I definitely was. I wasn't scared of pain, though, like he thought. (He kept saying, "I'm not going to do anything to you today..." ) I was scared due to not knowing what's going on or if I'm acting in the right way.
Tests for inflammation markers of Crohn's/colitis were all negative, which means almost ALL the tests have been negative so far, even the ones for things that I was (almost?) sure I'd observed. Which leaves me feeling like a crazy again. At this point, it's practically Nothing or Cancer. All common sense suggests that the Nothing is much more probable. However, even if I did have cancer, the chance of the sigmoidoscopy catching it would only be about 25%. So... although it's more than two weeks away, I'm already pretty much convinced they won't find anything, and I'll go home feeling like a psychosomatic idiot again.
In the meantime, I can't sleep in the same bed as said boyfriend because I don't want to wake him when being ill at midnight, 3 a.m., six a.m...
I'm not a happy camper.
I had that appointment with the specialist today. He saw me for maybe two minutes and asked the same questions as the other docs. We agreed to do a sigmoidoscopy (and biopsies) first, which is almost exactly like a colonoscopy but does not look at the whole colon. It's also a LOT cheaper. So that's scheduled for April 1st. Another two weeks of waiting.
I won't say the doctor was bad; he was brusque, but that doesn't tell you much. He did ask while examining me if I was nervous/scared, which I definitely was. I wasn't scared of pain, though, like he thought. (He kept saying, "I'm not going to do anything to you today..." ) I was scared due to not knowing what's going on or if I'm acting in the right way.
Tests for inflammation markers of Crohn's/colitis were all negative, which means almost ALL the tests have been negative so far, even the ones for things that I was (almost?) sure I'd observed. Which leaves me feeling like a crazy again. At this point, it's practically Nothing or Cancer. All common sense suggests that the Nothing is much more probable. However, even if I did have cancer, the chance of the sigmoidoscopy catching it would only be about 25%. So... although it's more than two weeks away, I'm already pretty much convinced they won't find anything, and I'll go home feeling like a psychosomatic idiot again.
In the meantime, I can't sleep in the same bed as said boyfriend because I don't want to wake him when being ill at midnight, 3 a.m., six a.m...
I'm not a happy camper.
it doesn't mean cancer or nothing 
It just means they haven't found it 
Don't project what you 'think' may happen
it may be useful. . . . . .
Don't project what you 'think' may happen
it may be useful. . . . . .
You're not crazy, and you're not imagining your symptoms.
Even if they do find nothing, that doesn't mean your symptoms don't exist. It just means they don't know what's causing them. When I was very small, my mother was hospitalised for weeks on end for excruciating stomach pains and a whole host of strange symptoms. They never found what caused it, but at no point was it assumed she was making it up. It went away eventually, and it's on her medical records to this day as something that was never explained but was very serious - not something that should be ignored!
Is there anyone who could go with you to appointments like this? It's easier to deal with a brusque doctor if there's someone else to help you ask the relevant questions; he shouldn't be making you feel like you're 'acting the wrong way' because there is no right or wrong way to act here - you are the patient and he is the expert. As long as you are polite to him, which I'm sure you are, the onus is on him to make you feel at ease and answer your questions.
Is there anyone who could go with you to appointments like this? It's easier to deal with a brusque doctor if there's someone else to help you ask the relevant questions; he shouldn't be making you feel like you're 'acting the wrong way' because there is no right or wrong way to act here - you are the patient and he is the expert. As long as you are polite to him, which I'm sure you are, the onus is on him to make you feel at ease and answer your questions.
So you pretty much hope they find cancer, right?
Even if they can't find anything, that doesn't mean you were imagining your symptoms or that there's nothing causing them. Don't be so hard on yourself.
If it's cancer, I want to know. If it's not, I want to know that too.
But there seems to be little outright knowing involved.
And yeah, these things are all true... the body is complicated, doesn't always adhere to set rules. Even the blood tests don't rule anything absolutely. I think I'm just having a depressive day/two/we'll see. <returns to bed>
And yeah, these things are all true... the body is complicated, doesn't always adhere to set rules. Even the blood tests don't rule anything absolutely. I think I'm just having a depressive day/two/we'll see. <returns to bed>
Your feelings are understandable
But unfortunately, diagnostic techniques are imperfect 
I spent close to a week in the hospital about 8 years ago because I had gone to the ER with symptoms similar to a ruptured appendix (but I'd had my appendix out about 15 years prior). All the tests and examinations that they did could only point them in the direction of what it *might* have been (though they deemed their "best guess" unlikely due to my age and general health) with the consensus that they'd know more if and when it happened again 
I spent close to a week in the hospital about 8 years ago because I had gone to the ER with symptoms similar to a ruptured appendix (but I'd had my appendix out about 15 years prior). All the tests and examinations that they did could only point them in the direction of what it *might* have been (though they deemed their "best guess" unlikely due to my age and general health) with the consensus that they'd know more if and when it happened again
My sister was told by doctors for years her symptoms were psychosomatic.
This year when her face went numb ans slack on one side and she went deaf in that ear they finally did an MRI. She had a brain tumor about the diameter of a quarter. I cried, HARD, when I found out. Partly was because I was terrified, my sister had a freaking brain tumor oh shit, partly because I was so happy she had finally got an answer. I'm not saying she will magically be better. The emotional scars of years of not believing what her body told her will be difficult I'm sure. It's just that you know yourself better than anyone.
What were your symptoms again? It seems that I read some of them at one time but I don't remember
where I saw them. I am quite happy that you don't have Chrohns/colitis. Finding out you were a crazy hypochondriac would be better than that. 
No I don't think you are crazy. Just wondering if you might have what I have.
Tash
No I don't think you are crazy. Just wondering if you might have what I have.Tash