Journal: Home

In March 2024 I went to see an Ear, nose and throat doctor because of a sore throat.

As soon as I walked in he put a camera up my nose and down into my throat. 5 seconds later he informed me I had cancer. A tumor was growing in my larynx. It would have to go.

In May I had a total Laryngectomy, followed by radiation and chemo.

I haven't been able to eat, drink or talk since May. I will do all that again someday.

My daughter Harper passed away on Saturday night. She was only 4 1/2 months old. The autopsy will be done tomorrow but the cause of death seems to be suffocation due to choking on her vomit in her sleep. God I hope she was asleep. I was home alone with her, I had put her to bed waiting for her mother to get off of work. She had been so happy and playful all day, she wasn't ready for bed but it was her bedtime. She was fussy but that wasn't out of the ordinary, she cried for maybe 10 minutes and settled down. Always went down like that, I had no idea if anything was wrong. I was in the living room playing games, just doing my usual nightly tasks. My girlfriend forgot her keys in the diaper bag, which I had so I had to run the keys to her after work and as I went to get the baby ready I walked through the door I was saying "Let's go see Mommy!" I saw she had pulled the blanket over her face with only her forhead showing, immidiatley I saw her color and knew something was wrong. I will spare everyone the details of what happened next, I will forever be haunted by it. I feel so broken, my heart and soul shattered in that moment. Everytime I close my eyes I see her and relive the trauma of the events between finding her and getting her in the hands of the EMTs.

I have been surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends, both mine and my girlfriends families dropped everything in the middle of the night and drove the four hours to get to us and be there for us. It has helped tremendously and I am so grateful for what they have done and are continuing to do in our time of need. I just cannot believe this is my life. I was so worried for her future and trying to shield her from any pain she would encounter as she lived her life, grew older, loved and lived. I never once thought her life could have ended the way it did. No parent wants to bury their child.

Throughout this experience everyone has been telling me not to take on the burden of her death, that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have done any better than I did. I just cannot bring myself to believe that. I was 20 feet away. I was in the other room. I should have felt it, I should have known she needed me. I failed to protect her and I will forever live knowing that.

The only solace in this that I take is knowing that I was the one to find her. Our normal routine has me put Harper to bed and when her mom gets home she goes and wakes her up to breastfeed. Because I had to get Summer her keys things didn't play out as they would have. I cannot imagine how she would have felt finding her daughter that way, even though I had to experience exactly that. I took that bullet for her and even though it has in every way ruined me, I was able to spare my love that fate.

I don't know what life will bring next, I am taking it a day, an hour, sometimes needing to go down to the minute, at a time. Her funeral is going to be on Thursday at 2. My life has forever changed, and it will not be better. It will always have an enormous hole right in the middle. Summer and I truly love each other and it will be our love and dedication to each other that will pull us though this. I know myself to be extremely lucky to have found such a woman and to have made her mine. Her strength is incredible and though she lets her guard down with me in private, it has been her strength in public and her patience with me and my blubbering that gives me hope and strength to carry on.

Harper Moiraine Grandstrand Hart was born on June 14th 2018. She was the love of my life, my little pooperdoodle. My chuncker. I miss her so much, I will always love and cherish each second I had with her. If I could I would trade my life for hers, I have experienced so much, lived life, hers had barely begun. Even so the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has shown me that her short life affected so many people and she was loved by a huge community and she will be so greatly missed.

I love you baby.

Daddy.

It couldn't get much worse than my current reality.

Psychological torture only, mind you...

Of my 5 closest friends, 4 of them are pregnant right now. I know it's not particularly fashionable or feminist to say, but I have always wanted to be a mom... It's been my only enduring dream. I stopped wanting to be a doctor after I found out how much Math I'd have to do... stopped wanting to be a dancer when I started feeling fat... stopped wanting to be in the ministry when it was pretty clear I wasn't the "Married:Male" the job postings requested... but I never for one moment stopped wanting to be a mom.

It got to the point where I refused to touch or hold babies because I was afraid it would make it worse. I didn't talk about it because I was afraid it would make me look desperate to guys. I didn't talk about it because it was too painful to admit to anyone but my husband that my body was broken and wouldn't do what I wanted.

And what makes it worse is that the last 2 friends to get pregnant this round (for all of them it's not their first pregnancy) were so thoughtful and considerate... they both told me in-person and before they told almost anyone else because they knew it would be hard for me.

They didn't want me to have to read about it in a facebook or instagram post.

I have such great friends I can't even be mad. Certainly not at them.

But this is my own personal hell.

My love is gone and he's never coming back.

I am alone in a big house.

I am already infertile and getting older by the day.

I feel quite hopeless and alone, even though I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive family but... they are all going to go away. Either I die or they do... and nothing of me or my love will live on after I am gone.

Blergh.

Back to work, I guess.

I have so much time on my hands now... I used to have someone to talk to pretty much anytime I wanted and now... not so much.

I miss human touch, you know?

Just a hand squeeze or a touch or something... not even really the sexy stuff.

I just miss him.

I was really good at being married and I didn't really ask for this change of position.
Hopefully I figure out how to make it.

DIet going well still. I am 2 inches less on hips and 2 inches less on waist. Yay! I'm down 22 lbs in 6 weeks which is good. But the last couple weeks it has been slow going. I'm going back to basics to see if I can restart the weight loss again. The inflammation is still under control. Shark week this month was rough. I wasn't used to the pain like that, and I got a migraine. That sucks. Energy is good. And we are all doing better right now in our grief waves. being so far removed from family for so long it is hard for us to remember that we can't just pick up the phone and continue our conversations. We are planning to move back to Dallas/Fort Worth when Adam retires in a few years from being a badass submariner. I'm sure we will feel the difference then very keenly. And through all the visits back and forth. Keto on fellow RAFOnauts! RAFOnians! RAFOists? RAFOans?

Down 15 lbs. Still grieving. Had a huge blow up with the husband last night and we both broke down because we were really caught in a deep grief wave. There are people who are watch towers in life. People who speak sense who can guide and advise and show you a path you never knew you could take. These people do all this and make you think you did it all on your own. I know my husband lost one of his two most powerful watchtowers. I know I lost one of mine as well. He will be traveling this week to be at the services for his dad. I am so angry that I can't go. Our oldest has been through a rough flu and we are still trying to catch him up on weakness and school work. His autism makes both so much more difficult a task. That is besides the cost of fly 4 people, and hotel, car, food. Taran needs up so have a hotel room so he has a neutral space he can recharge in. The money, the school, the kids, I still wish I was going with him. I'm angry. I'm angry because I asked him to tell his family when our family could get there together the soonest. He wouldn't, thought it was selfish. We have the furthest to travel, and have to pay the most to be there. I don't feel a small request before the date was even set would have been out of line. SO I'm angry. I get to grieve alone. I am a good Navy wife. I know how to wait. I know how to run our home alone. I know how to be on hold and holding my breath knowing my husband is out there doing difficult and important work. I support him. I am livid that I have to wait on this, I have to hear him on the phone in anguish without me there to hold him. That My boys won't be standing next to him to be his comforts. I became so angry last night that I shut down. I didn't even know I was angry until right before dinner last night. It was building that I was so sad I wasn't going, then I couldn't believe I wasn't going, Then I was angry. It is not easy being the family who is not present. We post about everything online to keep our families in the loop. We get no consideration for important family dates except "We hope you can manage to be there." I'm all about accommodations because that is all I can do, accommodate and change and be flexible when extensions and more extensions then open ended extensions happen. I'm frustrated. I know my family would consult me. I know I would be involved in the planning of something so important. I don't think they even know how much it hurts to be an after thought. No even a footnote. Not a how does this date fit for you, or how soon can you four be here to complete our family circle to grieve together. I'm pissed. We sacrifice a lot. I wanted to be there so see My dad-in-law celebrated. To hear the stories. To introduce his namesake to family coming into town. I want to be there to support my mom-in-law. To make sure she has everything she needs, wants, or could possibly bring her comfort. Like her grandsons. Yes, I'm angry and I'm sad, and I'm frustrated.

So yeah, the diet is simple. don't eat refined sugar, stay away form grains, root vegetables, and insulin spiking foods. I eat well. I eat good food. I make beef sauteed with spinach and tomatoes and olives topped with cheese with a big salad with avocado and couple cherry tomatoes and sunflower seeds topped with vinaigrette. I eat eggs and bacon and sausages. I drink coffee, and lots or water. I use real yummy Irish butter to cook in and to eat. I'm losing weight. I do not feel I'm limited by this diet. I feel like I"m learning a real proper healthy way to eat.

It is times like these when I realize as much as family love each other, we are all on our own to find happiness. I worry so much about all of them. I want to take care of them and be ther for them, but then this happens and I realize I'm not essential. and that hurts. Pity party table of 1.

I have a very heavy heart and clouded mind. The greatest man I have ever know has died. He died very shortly after his family made peace with his choice to not live on life sustaining methods. My father in law spent his life helping people. He was a minister in the Anglican church for his whole adult life. He traveled all over the world putting deed to his words by building houses and improving life as much as he could for as many as he could. I am not a religious person, and Richard and I had many discussions about spirituality, God, Parenting, and general harassing. Never a cross word. Always praise and kindness and love. Acceptance for what ever I felt was important to be my importance and no less importance that his beliefs. I can't believe I won't get another hug or a joke or watch him play with the grand kids again. He was managing his Parkinson's. Had to have emergency abdominal surgery and never truly came back. He started to return and soon succumbed again. Another surgery. When that did not make things better and he started slipping away more, His lovely bride of nearly 50 years made the decision to make him comfortable and not fight back. So many things were going wrong, so much internal bleeding and just pain. It was unexpected, it was sudden. And I will miss my friend of a father in law. He adopted me and my son when his youngest boy finally brought me home to meet the family. I am so lucky in my married families. Even in my first marriage. Just wonderful people added to my life. My husband is devastated. I have put myself in charge of feeding him. Besides being here to comfort and console him. Our youngest boy, named after his Grandfather, is crushed. "He is my best friend. We have the same name. His body stopped like Haplo (our dog who passed last month)." Taran takes time to sort his feelings before he expresses them. they can be so intense and his autism makes it hard to make sense of them. He'll come to us when he is ready. I hope the whole family can fly to Dallas to be part of saying goodbye to such an august representative of Faith. And to mourn with our family about losing our Da.

Keto update. Still going strong. Down 10 lbs. Energy level is so much more consistent throughout the day. I never get starving hungry. The sugar addiction is still there. I'm not missing bread, I'm not missing pasta or potatoes, I miss the decadent cakes and cookies. I'm learning to make substitutes for now and will tackle that later on. Keto strong! -10lbs!!!

I am slowly learning the lingo for the Keto way. IT is not a diet. It is a WOE, way of eating. That being said. I'm on day 12 of my diet. -8lbs. Feeling really good. MOre energy all day. NO spiking and crashing the last four or five days. I'm adjusting my percentages and tweaking what works for me. I was craving sweets a lot, the sugar addiction is crazy tough, so I made up some cream cheese fluffs. I molded them into avengers ice tray and I eat one a day to help with sweets craving. A lot of people ask my why I'm doing this, I will just gain the weight back, that it isn't worth time and energy. Well, I don't plan on eating the way I did ever again. When I get to my target goal I will just go to maintenance mode. I doubt my inflammation will just be gone if I start eating sugar again even at 110 lbs. Or that my thyroid will magically heal and give me all my energy back. This diet has been around for decades and works for so many ailments. I suppose I'm becoming a convert. I know I had to be ready for change or it would do me no good. Maybe I would have chosen another path if it had come my way. I am ready to make these life long changes and healthy choices. I will be adding swimming and weight training very soon. Keto On! -8 lbs

I changed my diet to a full on Keto diet on Monday March 6,2017. Today is my fourth day and first thing this morning I decided to try a weigh in, down 5 lbs. That isn't the best news though. My energy levels are up. My anxiety and depression are decreasing. And my productivity has jumped. I am having a few symptoms of the keto flu as my body adjusts to being a fat burning machine, but drinking electrolyte water has helped that a lot. I can feel my metabolism shifting up in gears. And I am feeling rather awesome. I've been getting creative with meals. Trying to make sure I'm using the best for me ingredients. I made Broccoli bacon cheesy chicken, Parm almond steak bites, coconut beef stirfry, and tonight I'm making cheesy spinach tomato beef. I eat a whole avocado almost everyday. And my favorite black olives are usually my night time snack. I still need to shop for a few keto friedly ingredients like nuts, and some seeds. I like to use sunflower kernels as a snack some times. I have had cravings. A sugar addiction doesn't go away overnight. It will fight back. I found a soda I can grab in emergency. Zevia. It is sweetened with Stevia and I'm going to use it for mixed adult beverages. Lots of water. I know this has to be a life long diet or all the weight will return. I am ready to say so long to bad food and habits. Soon I will add the gym to this diet.
Keto on!

I am starting my keto diet today. My blood sugar is all over the place and I'm pre-diabetic. Time for changes. I hadn't gotten far enough in my beginners keto book to know about percentages and such, so today I went over in carbs. My percentages are now set in myfitnesspal as: carbs 10%, protein 30%, fat 60%. Coffee is acceptable, also whole milk, and chocolate. I can survive on that! I discovered a delicious smoothie made with avocados, cocoa powder, honey, and milk that makes a delicious pudding for when I need decadence. My husband is ready to do this with me, so that will be a huge support. The last time I seriously watched and logged my food I lost 30 lbs in three months. Stress sucks and I gained it back plus over the last year during an uncertain future while the bear worked on getting a waiver to remain in the submarine force with his kidney stones. I don't deal so well with stress and uncertainty. That is why I married a sailor. I joined a support group on the facebook for keto diet. (I'm already in several for being a sub/navy/mil spouse) Cross fingers! I'm so tired of being so tired and sick all the time. Also getting set up for a sleep study and surgery to get the tubes tied. This baby factory is offline! (I'm 42 in September no more babies!!) I'll check back in next week for the update and some numbers, since I'm waiting for kids to sleep before getting naked and weighing and measuring everything.

Seriously, My little family unit, got a dog. A German Sheppard named, Roslyn Mae. Rosie, she's a little high strung, like shae, like me.

It took me a LONG time to come to grips with the hows, the whys, the whatthefuckevers. I could apologize until i am blue in the face and it wouldn't matter. I'm pretty much over it. Lessons were learned, mistakes were made. Really bad, unforgivable mistakes. I get that. I take full responsibility for my end of that shit fest. that's really, all I have to say about that.

There is no way I can continue working here. My boss is a sociopath - as in, devoid of compassion or consideration for other people. The incident that decided me wasn't even about me - it was about someone else. I know for certain now that I cannot stay here long-term. I cannot work for someone evil. So I have a focus now - focus on research, preparing stories to tell during interviews, revamping my resume to reflect what I want to be doing, and then doing it. It doesn't matter that my bonus is paid March-June. In the long term, that money doesn't even matter.

I took this vacation because for the last several weeks I was angry every morning going to work. At work too, but the fury starts in the morning. I told myself to give until March 1. I have another vacation coming up, maybe that will help. But if this feeling doesn't go away after a month, that's a problem.

it keeps telling me, I entered something incorrectly, so here i am. Amy i am sorry to hear about Chuck's condition. Prayers sent your way.

I've got seasonal affective disorder, or at least my version of it. I don't get it in the dark of winter, I get it when the temperature shifts from summer to fall - the fall blues is what I call it. Sets in usually early to mid-October, or late September, and hopefully gone in December, once temperatures stabilize. It's a mean bugger, and it took me several days just to recognize what was happening. Awareness is key though. I am approaching this like a depression, like a disease. So, my action plan:

1. Gym. Physical activity is key to regulating moods, levels of energy and feelings of well-being. Now that I know I'm supposed to be feeling sluggish and fatigued, it won't stop me from starting to exercise again. Medicinal exercise, not to feel good, but to keep from feeling worse.

2. Energetic morning routine. Mornings set the tone for the entire day.

3. Resist the slide into apathy. Don't let yourself wallow.

4. Pour energy into work. Since you won't be feeling well, might as well be productive, so there's something to show at the end of it. I'm not asking you to throw yourself into social interactions, but this kind of introverted mood is actually perfect for getting work done. Repeat: you're not happy anyway, might as well work.

5. Don't break up with your boyfriend. Don't avoid him, don't push him away. Make sure to see him about twice a week.

6. Eat lunch. Eat dinner. But at least lunch. You don't have to save money, you have enough money.

7. Before any action, whether it's deciding to be late to work, to not go into a meeting, to cancel plans with friends, to skip meals, to be grumpy - ask yourself, is this a manifestation of the fall blues? What's the intention behind this action? Is it to make yourself feel worse, to let the disease take deeper root?

and this time its a doozy. I'm basically trapped in two love triangles.

One is very ambiguous as person 2 and 3 may or may not be dating or even feel that way but I feel like I can't ask either about what's going on as I haven't been friends with either for very long and I don't want my craziness to ruin the friendship I have with both.

The other is simpler but so much worse as person 2 in that one is dating someone else and I feel horrible for still having feelings for him and trying to be friendly.

How do I even start to get out of this mess? I hate love triangles and I don't want to hurt anyone else involved. Am I just being totally stupid and over sensitive or am I a horrible person?

I spent the last week helping move and get my little brother set up in his apartment in Bloomington, Indiana, home of Indiana University, where he will begin his doctoral program in microbiology. Bloomington seems like a nice place. I didn't get to see a lot of it, but what I did see was nice.

As with any move, there are always a few hiccups. The most serious is my back. I hurt it pretty badly moving this god-awful leather recliner out of my dad's house. The thing is big and wide and I wrenched my back bringing it up the narrow staircase to the basement. But, as long as I don't do anymore heavy lifting for a while, it should be fine.

The drive to Bloomington went well (we stopped a night at my big brother's house in Illinois), but when we arrived we couldn't get in the apartment. The property manager wasn't there to meet us like he was supposed to. We called him, but got the recording saying the customer is not available. So we called the building's owner. He showed up quickly, but he couldn't get a hold of the property manager either. The owner's daughter had the apartment before my brother (so the amenities are a little better than the other units), so he called his wife to see if she had a spare key left behind by their daughter. She showed up with two keys, neither of which worked. So the owner called a locksmith. The first locksmith tried to pick the lock but couldn't. Another one showed up and they decided to drill out the locks and install new ones. The owner (also a state appeals court judge) was embarrassed about the whole situation, which he apologized for many times and he gave us a $150 gift card to a nice restaurant.

The only real drawback to the apartment in my view is the air conditioner. It is very loud. So loud that we would've had to turn up the sound on the TV so high, the neighbors would hear every word perfectly, but instead we turned on the captioning.

And finally, I'm gonna miss the little twerp.

Paraphrase of the BBC World Service:

People who sing together in a choir have near exact heartbeats.

I heard that and thought, "Duh. They're breathing the same amount at the same time." The rest of the report went on to say exactly that, but in more words, while also saying this was amazing. No, it's not amazing, it's common sense. Then it said, (I guess as justification; implying it's health news) that singing lowers blood pressure. Again, I thought, "Duh. All that breath-holding is gonna do that."

I guess it must have been a slow news day and it can only analyze Egypt so much. But still, why report something as news that isn't actually news? The worst is the part where the report said scientists studied the effect.

I can imagine actual scientists proposing this idea and being the curious sort they are, testing the theory. But I can't imagine they'd write a paper about it or issue a press release. At best, I see them talking about it with colleagues over some drinks.

My husband got his diagnosis. I'm not going to post it here, but if you would like to be brought up to date - please send me a note (or message me on Facebook if we are friends there).

I will say this. It's very, very bad

Amy