Warning, some strong language follows:



I'm getting a bit perturbed with Amy.

So far, I've very much been riding the high road on matters, refusing to get angry even though I REALLY want to and just trying to be supportive, concerned and helpful.

It's not easy.

Last night I had to really reign myself in from actually getting angry. She KNOWS moving out was really hurtful for me. Not just what she did but the WAY she did it (lying to me that there was nothing wrong etc. and then *bam* moving all her shit out while I'm at work including grabbing stuff that we BOTH can lay claim to). Now, in fairness it's not like she took everything - I think she was trying to be 'fair' but I had no input into any of it, and that's got my goat a bit.

Since she's moved out, I've tried to be helpful. I've insisted on taking Melissa for half the time, so there's no question of 'custody' at the moment. That's 50/50. In line with this I'm giving her half of the money the government gives us as a child tax credit (she has half custody so that seems fair) and on top of that buying her clothes and other supplies that she needs.

This paycheque I'm supposed to be dropping over a couple of hundred bucks on a wall unit organizer for her and a bus pass so she can job hunt.

Now, in fairness if things work out the wall unit will still be useful. So too the clothes etc. that were bought. The bus pass, we'll if she's going to find work she needs transport.

But even so - I'm getting mad, or more correctly showing some of the mad I have. She occasionally tries to get up on some high horse about having to leave etc. and on this I want to call bullshit. She didn't HAVE to leave, and in fact shouldn't have. At least not without at least TRYING to sort out some of what were clearly problems for her but that she was hiding from me. We're freakin' MARRIED. That means that you don't just give the fuck up and walk away without even trying. And her leaving has NOT been good for me. Not been good for our daughter. It was a purely selfish act.

I try to get started on fixing some of what's bothering her (what little I can actually suss out) and after a good start she tells me to let it lie because she's feeling 'pressured.'

Fuck.

I could easily tell her that I'll look after Melly half the time, cut her half the government cheque and beyond that, fuck off - you made your bed now go fucking lie in it. I'm tempted. Really tempted. But I'm not, not so far. She has issues and I'd rather be supportive and helpful than angry and vengeful. The former is more likely to lead to a positive conclusion. What's more, as long as we're married I still feel responsible for her and a better life for her will also be better for Melissa.

However, and it's a big however, after the crap she pulled I have some trust issues. Am I just being strung along for cash and then she's going to call it quits? I don't think that's her plan, but it may turn out that way anyway even if it isn't. And if it goes that way, I'm going to be pretty angry about being so helpful, mostly at myself.

We'll be trying some couselling soon, and that's good. Maybe it'll lead to something positive. But right now I'm just feeling pissed off. I'd like some kind of committment, but she claims she hasn't figured anything out yet. For frack's sake it's been weeks! What's to figure out? Either you want this or you damn well don't so make up your goddamned mind!

Ugggh. Okay. Calmer now.

Thanks for letting me vent.