I'm gonna be honest, I'm not in my normal frame of mind. Its complicated, well actually no its not.

So I feel like when I'm with my girlfriend I'm competing with her past lovers, and there have been a lot. Over three times the amount of partners I've had. And she's two years younger than me. Fucked up, no?

Well we've talked about it copious times, its been the biggest hurdle in the relationship, its something I keep trying to ignore; if I don't think about it, it'll go away right?
Wrong.

She's told me I'm the second best, number two, the runner up, not quite good enough. Tonight I threw out my best moves, really gave it everything I had, nd I had her in tears, she was begging for it to end and for it to never stop at the same time. I thought I broke all the records, threw the no hitter, fourth quart comeback into the huge blowout, fucked like a champion in other words. She couldn't speak or move for a good ten minutes after.

But I was wrong, I still wasn't the best.

Not a big deal you say? You gave it your best and she had a good time, came over and over, you should be proud you can get her multiple times before you even get close.

Fuck that.

I'm a competitive guy, I need to be the best. I feed off it, I live on crushing my opponents. I'm not the best at a lot of things, but I eventually surpass my enemies and will beat them in whatever competition we participated in.

But fuck, I thought I was good at this. This was my bread and butter, everyone else I've ever slept with has proclaimed to the gods that I am above them, I am the ruler of this demension and of all the dieties overseeing it.

But not her.

I'm golfing with a + 10 handicap trying to play for scratch. I'm Pippin to their Jordan. I'm the Vickings and they're the Packers. I'm great but he's the best.

I can get past the twenty one year old, I can live with the hurt she's caused in the past, but the magnitude of the list of former fucks causes me to stumble, and then I completely fall when it comes to the one motherfucker I can't best.

Two things bother me.

And that's it.

Just those two.

Sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship. I love her for her, and she loves me for me.

But is it too much to ask that I be the best fuck too?
Yup.