personally, I don't think marrying you to hide who he was, using you for such a purpose was terribly "courageous," and when he did pull some courage out of his ass to be who he was, it resulted in you getting hurt. You are never going to be able to deal with your feelings about this issue if you continue to whitewash them. This man was not a saint, he used and hurt you, and placing him on a pedestal while you villify yourself for feeling the way you do is not ever going to help you feel better.

He sounds like he was a good person oeverall, but as good as he was he still was selfish and and hurt you, one of the people who loved him most, very badly, and none of the good things he did or the good person he was changes that, and it's okay for you to be angry and in pain.




Again, this is normal. It is common to feel negative feelings toward members of the group that the person who hurt you was a member of. They are a painful reminder of what you went through. That doesn't mean you actually hate them, it doesn't mean you want to hurt them, and it doesn't mean that you blame them for what happened. They just bring up painful feelings. I know, because I have the same feelings towards member of another group.

And I know that most of these people never did any of the things I'm upset about, and that it isn't right feel ill will toward them, but I also know that the feelings are there, and I can't control that. I can only control how how I act on them, and as long as I am honest with myself about why I feel that way, it's easier to dismiss them.

I'm sure these feelings that you have will fade with time, as your wounds heal. In the meantime, please stop beating yourself up for them. You're only human, and we feel a lot of ugly things and that doesn't make us bad people