On Sunday the headline of the Burlington FreePress was celebrating the ten year anniversary of the Vermont Civil Unions law. Here: http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200991219007

I saw this headline and I felt my face tighten. Why? What was the emotion I was feeling? I'm not sure (or maybe I just don't want to admit to myself) but I know that right after wards I felt both guilt and sadness.

I loved David so much, I still do...and I'm proud of him, proud of the person he was, proud of his courage...I was proud to be his best friend and wife.

And yet...This anniversary does not give me good feelings.

Also, and I am ashamed to admit this, I have disparaging feelings towards gay men.

OK, anger, disappointment, disapproval, scorn...? And the guilt these bring me.
I hate it. I hate having these feelings and I hate the guilt I feel for having them.

And he's dead for Pities Sake! Shouldn't I be more upset about that?

And why do I adore the gay men here so much?
God! I'm crazy, ain't I?