Active Users:737 Time:23/12/2024 09:02:57 AM
I'm more interested in the feelings/needs of the child than the feelings of adults. Sareitha Sedai Send a noteboard - 03/11/2009 01:16:49 AM
Backstory - My brother's son (five years old) is technically my sister-in-law's son from a previous marriage. However, vile ex-husband hasn't been a figure in the child's life since a few months after he was born, while my brother has been the "dad" since my nephew was one and a half. Ex-in law family have pretty much disowned the ex-husband and completely love my brother. My brother, his wife, and the kids vacation with the ex-in-laws, etc.

With the addition of my new niece, brother and sister-in-law are considering changing the son's name to better fit in with the family. They don't want to offend my nephew's biological grandparents, but they also don't want my nephew to feel too different by not having the same name as the rest of the family. Additionally, they don't feel that my nephew is emotionally ready for the "Whys" of a different last name.

So...

1) Have you ever been in a similar situation? Either as the parent, child, grandparent?

2) How, if at all, would having a different last name than your siblings affect you?

3) Would you feel offended if you were the biological grandparent in this type of situation?


There are ways to go around this, doing hyphenated names and whatnot.


It is absolutely the best thing for the little boy for him to have the same name as the rest of his family. Ideally the sperm donor's parental rights get terminated so he can't come "surprise" the boy/family unit later, and best-case scenario is your brother adopting the boy. That shows a formal and demonstrable commitment to raising him as his own (much the same way that marriage formalizes and demonstrates a commitment two people make to each other).

They have a good relationship with the grandparents on the sperm-donor's side. They should be able to communicate that they are making this change because it's what's best for the boy and the family. It doesn't change their relationship with the boy one bit, unless they let it (but something tells me that people who are that amazing about putting their attention where it belongs, i.e., their grandchild and not their deadbeat kid, are going to understand this just fine).
If you are from Betelgeuse, please have one of your Earth friends read what I've written before you respond. Or try concentrating harder.

"The trophy problem has become extreme."
Reply to message
Changing your child's name... - 02/11/2009 11:07:40 PM 809 Views
I'm an observer. - 02/11/2009 11:16:50 PM 591 Views
Is your brother going to actually adopt the child? - 02/11/2009 11:54:20 PM 596 Views
My brother wants to, but... - 03/11/2009 11:18:20 PM 535 Views
Does he pay child support? - 04/11/2009 12:38:33 AM 462 Views
Never paid a dime. - 04/11/2009 12:44:40 AM 471 Views
Re: Never paid a dime. - 04/11/2009 03:24:02 AM 493 Views
Re: Never paid a dime. - 05/11/2009 07:35:05 AM 450 Views
I'd only change the name if he adopted the son legally. - 03/11/2009 12:23:08 AM 483 Views
I agree with you and Tash... - 03/11/2009 03:22:28 AM 477 Views
The thing is... - 03/11/2009 11:19:45 PM 445 Views
Concur - 03/11/2009 06:56:54 PM 517 Views
I'm more interested in the feelings/needs of the child than the feelings of adults. - 03/11/2009 01:16:49 AM 492 Views
I really like this reply and agree with everything in it... - 03/11/2009 01:23:15 AM 503 Views
There's bad things, and there's bad things. - 03/11/2009 01:46:33 PM 433 Views
I don't know the full details of the first marriage... - 03/11/2009 11:28:41 PM 462 Views
True... - 03/11/2009 11:23:55 PM 507 Views
Yes. - 04/11/2009 12:36:24 AM 514 Views
My situation was almost the same. - 03/11/2009 02:10:24 AM 545 Views
Not me, but..... - 03/11/2009 03:07:28 AM 572 Views
I personally believe the boy should keep his biological fathers last name no matter what *NM* - 03/11/2009 03:18:24 AM 215 Views
I'm curious why you believe this. - 03/11/2009 01:54:40 PM 467 Views
I'm a bit curious too...explain. *NM* - 03/11/2009 11:31:02 PM 210 Views
personal belief - 04/11/2009 03:44:35 PM 439 Views
Happened to my dad (kinda). - 03/11/2009 05:25:52 AM 452 Views
Here are my thoughts (I have been in a somewhat similar situation). - 03/11/2009 06:52:17 AM 530 Views
Curious - 03/11/2009 01:59:30 PM 482 Views
Re: Curious - 03/11/2009 06:46:52 PM 549 Views
I am in a similar position. - 03/11/2009 07:18:57 AM 482 Views
I'd wait until the child is old enough to want to himself - 03/11/2009 07:29:36 AM 464 Views
I think I kind of agree here... - 06/11/2009 03:28:31 AM 514 Views

Reply to Message