Active Users:1108 Time:22/11/2024 07:50:45 AM
I'm not sure there's enough context to offer much useful advice, but I'd line up incentives Isaac Send a noteboard - 12/02/2013 08:29:41 AM
If you're trying to kick a habit, good or ill, or constrain it then it helps to have incentives that motivate you toward your preferred behavior. A grazer worried about their weight might tape a photo of a fat person to their fridge door, a smoker might post notes on lung cancer statistics next to their ashtray. I had a friend who was contemplating an affair with a coworker and ended up putting up the 'family photo' on her desk in the direction of the fellow's work area so she'd see that every time she looked temptation's way.

I'm not sure what your ideal here is, to be able to say if that is a good one or one that needs discarding or altering, but I'd actually write it out (then destroy it) and line up what you want, what you really actually want, along with the pros and cons, and then the various runner ups and their pros and cons and select the one that is the best cost-to-benefit ratio and has a high probability of being achievable. That sort of thing is only possible, or at least only useful, if you're capable of being brutally honest with yourself. Most people aren't but think they are, and in my experience if you come away feeling lots of self-justification or self-loathing you missed.

It is entirely possible your best solution is to just sit your wife down and tell her, truthfully and explicitly, what your problem is. Note by explicitly I don't mean gory detail or naming names which would probably be harmful and pointless, but rather in terms of motive and desire. She might have some good insights or solutions, alternatively if she blows it off in a fit of rage or refusal to discuss it as uncomfortable at the very least you'll have learned that she's maybe not quite as emotionally tough and realistic as you thought and maybe not a good choice for life partner. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't think I ever contemplated other relationships anymore than I'd want a wife who said "Our son would never use drugs!" or some other such thing. Honesty and respect vital to relationships and all that, barring the general social contract of polite/necessary lies of course. So you might find out she's not the ideal long term partner and can act accordingly. But she might have some useful suggestions or insights.

That's about the best I can offer without more information that I frankly wouldn't advise you offering up, beyond the cliche but still wise "Don't". I will pitch that one for a moment though. Your situation may be different, I lack sufficient info, you probably think so but aren't a reliable observer, but odds are it isn't and the vast majority of the time no net positive will come from an affair. Consider discussing it with her, and try to find incentives that help you to follow your chosen path or avoid pitfalls. Good luck.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
- Albert Einstein

King of Cairhien 20-7-2
Chancellor of the Landsraad, Archduke of Is'Mod
This message last edited by Isaac on 12/02/2013 at 08:50:00 AM
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I am on the verge of having an affair - 11/02/2013 11:41:57 PM 1755 Views
Ditch the wife or stop being a prat. - 12/02/2013 12:30:30 AM 1012 Views
Great. Helpful advice - 12/02/2013 12:33:36 AM 896 Views
What exactly do you want to hear? - 12/02/2013 12:47:06 AM 875 Views
I don't know, something helpful - 12/02/2013 12:59:23 AM 940 Views
The telling you to grow up bit wasn't the advice - 12/02/2013 01:09:54 AM 902 Views
So there is no situation in which advice helps? - 12/02/2013 01:23:21 AM 940 Views
I didn't say nobody could help you at all - 12/02/2013 01:41:19 AM 925 Views
You're assuming a moral absolute - 12/02/2013 02:06:13 AM 1108 Views
It is called forsaking all others, and yes there are absolutes. - 13/02/2013 05:58:20 PM 1008 Views
My opinion ... - 12/02/2013 01:21:38 AM 939 Views
That's not really advice - 12/02/2013 01:28:42 AM 939 Views
Why is it obvious? - 12/02/2013 01:42:26 AM 954 Views
That's exactly what I'm looking for - 12/02/2013 02:11:51 AM 1129 Views
I don't know if that's realistic. - 12/02/2013 05:46:48 AM 888 Views
What exactly did you want to hear? - 12/02/2013 04:31:56 AM 841 Views
More holier-than-thou judgment. Great thanks. *NM* - 12/02/2013 04:50:36 AM 606 Views
Well, he's a pastor, so he probably is holier-than-thou. *NM* - 12/02/2013 07:48:55 PM 478 Views
So what you wanted was a high five? - 13/02/2013 04:21:57 PM 874 Views
role play. *NM* - 12/02/2013 04:41:07 AM 490 Views
You have 4 options - 12/02/2013 06:03:43 AM 868 Views
If it isn't about the sex then swinging really won't help *NM* - 12/02/2013 12:55:27 PM 463 Views
So, you ask for advice, then get upset when you don't like it? - 12/02/2013 06:04:07 AM 872 Views
I'm not sure there's enough context to offer much useful advice, but I'd line up incentives - 12/02/2013 08:29:41 AM 963 Views
It's probably the way you phrased it. - 12/02/2013 08:41:06 AM 1087 Views
find another passion - 12/02/2013 01:01:10 PM 853 Views
I don't judge you. I am exactly the same way. - 12/02/2013 01:56:58 PM 1037 Views
I don't give a shit about polyamory. I give a shit about honesty. - 13/02/2013 09:26:56 AM 888 Views
That's why I told him it's not okay, if he is lying to her. *NM* - 13/02/2013 10:00:04 AM 468 Views
That was kind of my take. - 13/02/2013 02:53:05 PM 1101 Views
I get where you're coming from - 12/02/2013 01:57:48 PM 974 Views
Here is my advice. - 12/02/2013 03:49:55 PM 1144 Views
Well said. - 13/02/2013 03:16:13 PM 867 Views
LOL - 12/02/2013 03:54:46 PM 899 Views
Nice choice of words, there - 12/02/2013 04:04:15 PM 924 Views
I don't know if I agree that you should talk to her about this. - 12/02/2013 04:30:14 PM 1020 Views
If walking the line is the thrill, then keep walking the line. - 12/02/2013 07:44:59 PM 1037 Views
Seeing your edit, I'm not sure you'll read this.... - 12/02/2013 11:20:46 PM 943 Views
The thrill of the chase - 13/02/2013 02:38:59 PM 909 Views
Hehe, love that things are pretty much the same around here. *NM* - 14/02/2013 12:29:56 AM 485 Views
I feel sorry for you *NM* - 14/02/2013 01:10:10 AM 526 Views
Best thing you can do is travel around and stay in hostels - 14/02/2013 02:24:50 AM 914 Views
Be open to your wife about how you feel. - 14/02/2013 10:24:13 PM 792 Views

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