I'm not sure there's enough context to offer much useful advice, but I'd line up incentives
Isaac Send a noteboard - 12/02/2013 08:29:41 AM
If you're trying to kick a habit, good or ill, or constrain it then it helps to have incentives that motivate you toward your preferred behavior. A grazer worried about their weight might tape a photo of a fat person to their fridge door, a smoker might post notes on lung cancer statistics next to their ashtray. I had a friend who was contemplating an affair with a coworker and ended up putting up the 'family photo' on her desk in the direction of the fellow's work area so she'd see that every time she looked temptation's way.
I'm not sure what your ideal here is, to be able to say if that is a good one or one that needs discarding or altering, but I'd actually write it out (then destroy it) and line up what you want, what you really actually want, along with the pros and cons, and then the various runner ups and their pros and cons and select the one that is the best cost-to-benefit ratio and has a high probability of being achievable. That sort of thing is only possible, or at least only useful, if you're capable of being brutally honest with yourself. Most people aren't but think they are, and in my experience if you come away feeling lots of self-justification or self-loathing you missed.
It is entirely possible your best solution is to just sit your wife down and tell her, truthfully and explicitly, what your problem is. Note by explicitly I don't mean gory detail or naming names which would probably be harmful and pointless, but rather in terms of motive and desire. She might have some good insights or solutions, alternatively if she blows it off in a fit of rage or refusal to discuss it as uncomfortable at the very least you'll have learned that she's maybe not quite as emotionally tough and realistic as you thought and maybe not a good choice for life partner. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't think I ever contemplated other relationships anymore than I'd want a wife who said "Our son would never use drugs!" or some other such thing. Honesty and respect vital to relationships and all that, barring the general social contract of polite/necessary lies of course. So you might find out she's not the ideal long term partner and can act accordingly. But she might have some useful suggestions or insights.
That's about the best I can offer without more information that I frankly wouldn't advise you offering up, beyond the cliche but still wise "Don't". I will pitch that one for a moment though. Your situation may be different, I lack sufficient info, you probably think so but aren't a reliable observer, but odds are it isn't and the vast majority of the time no net positive will come from an affair. Consider discussing it with her, and try to find incentives that help you to follow your chosen path or avoid pitfalls. Good luck.
I'm not sure what your ideal here is, to be able to say if that is a good one or one that needs discarding or altering, but I'd actually write it out (then destroy it) and line up what you want, what you really actually want, along with the pros and cons, and then the various runner ups and their pros and cons and select the one that is the best cost-to-benefit ratio and has a high probability of being achievable. That sort of thing is only possible, or at least only useful, if you're capable of being brutally honest with yourself. Most people aren't but think they are, and in my experience if you come away feeling lots of self-justification or self-loathing you missed.
It is entirely possible your best solution is to just sit your wife down and tell her, truthfully and explicitly, what your problem is. Note by explicitly I don't mean gory detail or naming names which would probably be harmful and pointless, but rather in terms of motive and desire. She might have some good insights or solutions, alternatively if she blows it off in a fit of rage or refusal to discuss it as uncomfortable at the very least you'll have learned that she's maybe not quite as emotionally tough and realistic as you thought and maybe not a good choice for life partner. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't think I ever contemplated other relationships anymore than I'd want a wife who said "Our son would never use drugs!" or some other such thing. Honesty and respect vital to relationships and all that, barring the general social contract of polite/necessary lies of course. So you might find out she's not the ideal long term partner and can act accordingly. But she might have some useful suggestions or insights.
That's about the best I can offer without more information that I frankly wouldn't advise you offering up, beyond the cliche but still wise "Don't". I will pitch that one for a moment though. Your situation may be different, I lack sufficient info, you probably think so but aren't a reliable observer, but odds are it isn't and the vast majority of the time no net positive will come from an affair. Consider discussing it with her, and try to find incentives that help you to follow your chosen path or avoid pitfalls. Good luck.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
- Albert Einstein
King of Cairhien 20-7-2
Chancellor of the Landsraad, Archduke of Is'Mod
- Albert Einstein
King of Cairhien 20-7-2
Chancellor of the Landsraad, Archduke of Is'Mod
This message last edited by Isaac on 12/02/2013 at 08:50:00 AM
I am on the verge of having an affair
11/02/2013 11:41:57 PM
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Ditch the wife or stop being a prat.
12/02/2013 12:30:30 AM
- 1027 Views
Great. Helpful advice
12/02/2013 12:33:36 AM
- 909 Views
What exactly do you want to hear?
12/02/2013 12:47:06 AM
- 889 Views
I don't know, something helpful
12/02/2013 12:59:23 AM
- 956 Views
The telling you to grow up bit wasn't the advice
12/02/2013 01:09:54 AM
- 914 Views
So there is no situation in which advice helps?
12/02/2013 01:23:21 AM
- 954 Views
I didn't say nobody could help you at all
12/02/2013 01:41:19 AM
- 943 Views
My opinion ...
12/02/2013 01:21:38 AM
- 954 Views
That's not really advice
12/02/2013 01:28:42 AM
- 955 Views
Why is it obvious?
12/02/2013 01:42:26 AM
- 970 Views
Get therapy or get a divorce. Your wife deserves better than the person you're being now. *NM*
12/02/2013 04:00:38 AM
- 503 Views
Careful you don't fall off that high horse
12/02/2013 04:53:11 AM
- 994 Views
You might try 4chan. Their morals seem more in line with the ones you're currently espousing. *NM*
13/02/2013 09:29:04 AM
- 468 Views
What exactly did you want to hear?
12/02/2013 04:31:56 AM
- 856 Views
role play. *NM*
12/02/2013 04:41:07 AM
- 494 Views
I appreciate something other than judgment. Thank you!
12/02/2013 04:51:56 AM
- 975 Views
i was poly for a decade. maybe that's a thing to consider? opening your marriage for both of you?
13/02/2013 05:12:06 AM
- 850 Views
If you don't have kids, then just leave the marriage or have an open relationship. *NM*
12/02/2013 05:19:27 AM
- 449 Views
You have 4 options
12/02/2013 06:03:43 AM
- 886 Views
Number one is not an option, it is a looming and growing disaster.
13/02/2013 02:57:19 PM
- 892 Views
I'm not sure there's enough context to offer much useful advice, but I'd line up incentives
12/02/2013 08:29:41 AM
- 977 Views
I don't judge you. I am exactly the same way.
12/02/2013 01:56:58 PM
- 1046 Views
I don't give a shit about polyamory. I give a shit about honesty.
13/02/2013 09:26:56 AM
- 900 Views
Do you want help making a decision, or validation of one already made?
13/02/2013 02:47:59 PM
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Hehe, love that things are pretty much the same around here. *NM*
14/02/2013 12:29:56 AM
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