Three nuns die and go to Heaven, and St. Peter tells them that before they can enter Heaven, they need to purify themselves. The angels bring out a huge bowl of holy water, and the first nun steps up. "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" St. Peter asks. The nun says, "Yes, but I just touched it with the tip of my finger because I was curious." He tells her to put her finger into the water, the bells ring, the gates open, and she enters Heaven. The second one steps up, but the third one stops her and says, "Wait, wait, wait...I'm not drinking that water after she's put it in her ass..."

A little boy in Catholic school was sitting in the playground and grabbing ants and pounding them with his fists. "Goddamn ants," he kept saying. The priest hears him and stops him and asks, "Why are you saying that and doing that?" "Because they're totally useless," the boy replies. Deciding to be clever, the priest says, "If you can name three things that are really and totally useless, I'll let you keep doing that." The boy looks at him, says "Balls on priests, tits on nuns and these GODDAMN ANTS!"