(I know all the people featured in this post could potentially take offense at my satirical depiction. I hope you know I always mean well.)

~ ~ ~

[The scene opens on a two-bedroom apartment high above the quiet streets of Rafonia. One half of the apartment is covered in commemorative plates of every Republican president in American history. The other is covered in computer monitors. Joel and Random Thoughts sit on the couch, two televisions in front of them, one tuned to CNN and one tuned to Fox News. The sound is turned low, but it appears the commentators on each channel are somehow arguing with one another.]

[Joel]: And that, in conclusion, is the very crux of my perfectly reasonable, perfectly reasoned, and reasonably perfect assertion that the whole thing is and always has been a massive money-making plot that deprives society and I would argue even humanity itself of its natural heritage and birthright.

[RT]: Okay, two things. First, I fell asleep for about six hours in the middle of your argument there. Did I miss anything crucial?

[Joel]: Nothing I didn't repeat at some point during the other five hours.

[RT]: Okay, so second, that is a load of tree-hugging communist hippie whacko liberal claptrap.

[Joel]: How can you disagree with the unassailable fact that whole milk is better than skim and that society's preference for skim amounts to a targeted attack against the health and welfare of an entire generation?

[RT]: Wait, we were talking about milk? How does that matter in any possible way? There is no universe or reality where I care about that at all. So you'll have to give me a minute to come up with an argument against whatever it was you said.

[Joel]: Fair enough. But I warn you, I have fourteen more articles on the subject I have yet to quote, and my team is searching for more.

[A small Latino boy runs over from the computer bank at the wall.]

[Boy]: Joe, Joe!

[Joel]: It's Joel, Jorje. With an L.

[Jorje]: Joe, we found three more pages about the good whole milk, and posted new butts on seventeen sites that said skim milk was good.

[Joel]: Rebuttals, Jorje. Not new butts. Did you forget to read Uncle Joels dictionary last night?

[Jorje]: You forgot the apostrophe.

[Joel]: Shut up.

[RT]: You know, I still can't get over the fact that you use a team of illegal immigrant children to research and post for you.

[Joel]: How else am I supposed to keep up with all the people who need to be proven wrong?

[RT]: It's not even that. It's not even that you're using kids, kids are pretty useful and easy to fire. It's that you're giving these jobs to illegals when they could be going to hard-working red-blooded American kids.

[Joel]: Jorje's blood is red.

[RT]: ...

[Joel]: ...

[RT]: ...

[Joel]: ... I can prove it if you —

[RT]: Jesus no, just stop with that thing you do with your mouth.

[Joel]: What do you —

[RT]: There you go again! Opening it.

[Joel]: Hey now, my words and the words of my industrious and well-trained team of typing Mexican lads have been shining the light of wisdom and education into the dark corners of the Internet with indomitable vigilance and only the most carefully researched and undeniable facts at our disposal not through any attempt at self-promotion or personal gain of any sort but merely through the humble belief that the effort to better humanity through the application of knowledge and applied rhetoric is the most noble aspiration a man can dream to achieve in this or any other life regardless of the many detractors such a worthy cause inevitably attracts.

[RT]: I'm Texan, you know. We're allowed to just shoot people if we want to. All I'd have to do is fill out some paperwork. Not even a lot of paperwork.

[Jorje]: I agree with you, Mr. Thoughts!

[RT]: See that's where you're wrong, Jorje. That sort of liberal pinko kool-aid thinking is exactly what's wrong with this country.

[Joel]: But he was agreeing with you.

[RT]: Do you even hear the words I'm saying?

[Joel]: I hear just fine, in fact I have triplicate charts from my aural specialist to prove it. Jorje, retrieve the charts!

[RT]: You are such an irrational wuss!

[Joel]: Oh yeah, well you have the mental capacity of an overaged walnut!

[RT]: You long-winded meandering socialist!

[Joel]: You heartless right-wing apologist class traitor! Why don't you just leave if you hate my noble cause so much?

[RT]: Maybe I will!

[Joel]: Fine!

[RT]: Fine!

[Joel]: Fine!

[RT]: Fine!

[Joel stands up]: Fine!

[RT stands up]: Fine!

[Joel throws a pillow at him]: Fine!

[RT walks to the door]: Fine!

[Joel turns his back]: Fine!

[RT walks down the hallway]: Fine!

[Joel leans out to shout after him]: Fine!

[The apartment intercom buzzes. Joel pushes the button.]

[RT through the intercom]: Fine!

[Joel opens a window and leans out to look down to the sidewalk]: Fine!

[The phone rings. Joel picks it up.]

[RT through the phone]: Fine!

[Joel hires a skywriter to write FINE! in the sky.]

[RT appears on a CNN panel on Joel's tv and shouts FINE!]

[Joel builds a moon laser and carves FINE! on the surface of the moon.]

[RT invents time travel and goes back to tattoo the word FINE! on baby Joel's ass.]

[Joel]: ... wait, you really think so?

[RT]: Shit!

~ ~ ~

[Three weeks later.]

[Joel]: Say, new roomie. Want to go toilet paper RT's new place?

[Trzaska2000]: Thumbs up!

[Joel]: Is that a yes, or ...?

[Trzaska2000]: Plus one!

[Joel]: ... what?