* I cut my own hair. Not only does this make me extremely awesome and kind of dangerous in a late-80s early-90s kinda way, it also means I'm qualified to cut other people's hair (which I do). Everyone likes a friend who can cut your hair, but everyone loves a friend who can cut your hair really well and while you're actually awake and not just passed out on the couch at some party after you drank too many shots.

* I travel with a pen at ALL times. Listen, right, you have a pen in your jacket pocket, sure: it looks harmless enough, but dude, say you're in a heap of trouble like maybe Darren started another fight with those bikers who hang around Mel's and you're either going to have to watch him get beaten up (again) or step up and get him the hell out of there. Wave the pen wildly and scream/shout/make chewbacca sounds: pure gold, the bikers will run off and leave you alone. OR, you'll end up trying to stab one with your biro and get beaten up or arrested. Either way: cool story bro.

* I watched the film Ghost and didn't cry. Much.

* I'm on first name terms with Bruce Willis. But I am never, ever, allowed back to his house.

* When I crash on your sofa I will, where possible, tidy up. I mean sure, a lot of the time the mess is mine anyway, but I will usually try to get the worst of it shifted before you wake up. I mean, if I'm not still out cold and drooling on your cushions.

* I usually wait until you're asleep before walking around your house naked. With the curtains open and the lights on.

* I can pee in a bottle from 100 metres.

* When I'm exactly the right amount of drunk I can quote the whole of the film Teen Wolf word for word. And will happily take money from you to not do so.

* I'm typing this from INSIDE THE MOON.

Thank you for listening, I now need to urgently get back to being very hungover.

Have a nice day.