I don't exactly expect to influence your opinion, just to voice my own.
Helene Send a noteboard - 13/06/2011 10:40:39 PM
Your opinion seems pretty set anyway. It would be weird if a post on an internet forum could change it.
I can tell from your expectations of women, that yes, American women will be less likely to fit in with what you are looking for.
I understand that you base your world view on your own experiences, but I would have thought that you would at least have a level of awareness that you and your friends are not exactly representative of mankind.
The self selected group you just described probably holds those views. But that's hardly statistically relevant.
You blamed porn addiction on American women, and call me out on maturity?
He got married to her without ever receiving oral sex, and then expected to get oral sex after marriage? I'm not getting enough details here to be able to comment. I don't know why she doesn't want to either get or give (which is it?) oral sex.
Was she very different before marriage? Again, not enough information to be able to tell how things were before and after, and if things have changed, why.
Sounds like a smart plan.
To be sure, I know you can find plenty of women who won't perform oral sex all over the world, as well as women who don't want to have sex more than once a month, or that play games about sex.
E.g. my fiance often comments about the sexual relationships of his colleagues at work, and how they're not getting as much as they used to, how this woman doesn't want to do that, etc. etc. How it all becomes less after a while.
The thing is, a satisfying long term sexual relationship requires a mutual commitment to wanting to make your partner feel desirable. A good way to show this is by appreciating your partner, by letting them know verbally, emotionally, physically, that you find them attractive. That way, you create a positive spiral that will improve your sexual connection over time, instead of it tapering out.
Of course, I only speak from 6 years experience, but so far, so good.
(edit was typo)
I can tell from your expectations of women, that yes, American women will be less likely to fit in with what you are looking for.
You make a stupid catty remark and expect that it somehow influences peoples' opinions? I was pointing out a very valid and nearly universally held conviction.
I understand that you base your world view on your own experiences, but I would have thought that you would at least have a level of awareness that you and your friends are not exactly representative of mankind.
None of my European friends would even consider wasting their time dating an American girl (unless they need a green card for some reason), and nearly all of my American friends profess a preference for European women over Americans (the remainder are crazy about Asians). You can try to laugh it off all you want, but it doesn't change the way things are.
The self selected group you just described probably holds those views. But that's hardly statistically relevant.
If you actually are going to be mature enough to have a serious conversation about the topic, I will let you comment on a few relationships that come to mind in this department.
You blamed porn addiction on American women, and call me out on maturity?
1. College friend, American, works in the South (let's call him Joe). Joe works in real estate and makes good money. He can cook and is a neat freak (and I always thought I was until I met him). He is well-dressed, well-spoken and courteous. He married a woman who is a medical worker of some sort (but not a doctor). They have been married for 4 years and she refuses to even have oral sex. We, his friends, say that he should have divorced her immediately on finding this out. He has been appreciative, both inside and outside the bedroom, and there is no reason why she should be like this.
He got married to her without ever receiving oral sex, and then expected to get oral sex after marriage? I'm not getting enough details here to be able to comment. I don't know why she doesn't want to either get or give (which is it?) oral sex.
2. Law school friend, American, works in NY (let's call him Bill). Bill is a lawyer married to another lawyer and makes good money. Bill has been married for two years and gets sex about once a month, tops, and then it is only missionary position. Nothing other than vaginal intercourse. We, his friends, are very very sad for him. Since his wife is a lawyer the divorce would be absolute hell but since they don't have kids it shouldn't be as difficult. Obviously it would be expensive and nasty.
Was she very different before marriage? Again, not enough information to be able to tell how things were before and after, and if things have changed, why.
3. Friend in the city, works in NY, dated American girl recently (let's call him Dave). Dave has a small business and recently dated an American girl. He quickly stopped dating her because she was playing games about not having sex and he didn't have time to waste on that.
Sounds like a smart plan.
To be sure, I know you can find plenty of women who won't perform oral sex all over the world, as well as women who don't want to have sex more than once a month, or that play games about sex.
E.g. my fiance often comments about the sexual relationships of his colleagues at work, and how they're not getting as much as they used to, how this woman doesn't want to do that, etc. etc. How it all becomes less after a while.
The thing is, a satisfying long term sexual relationship requires a mutual commitment to wanting to make your partner feel desirable. A good way to show this is by appreciating your partner, by letting them know verbally, emotionally, physically, that you find them attractive. That way, you create a positive spiral that will improve your sexual connection over time, instead of it tapering out.
Of course, I only speak from 6 years experience, but so far, so good.
(edit was typo)
This message last edited by Helene on 13/06/2011 at 10:41:44 PM
He’s Just Not That Into Anyone (an article about watching porn and men's changing libidos).
11/06/2011 10:52:10 PM
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I disagree with the whole last third or fourth of the article.
12/06/2011 02:01:40 AM
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Re: I disagree with the whole last third or fourth of the article.
12/06/2011 08:49:39 PM
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A lot of guys who get hooked on porn don't know how to approach women
12/06/2011 10:55:17 PM
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Funny
13/06/2011 01:22:28 AM
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You obviously never had a fulfilling long term sexual relationship with a woman.
13/06/2011 10:43:23 AM
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Oh My
13/06/2011 03:29:34 PM
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*giggle*
13/06/2011 03:46:28 PM
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Oh, I tend to be loving and appreciative
13/06/2011 05:08:56 PM
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That isnt fair, Helene *NM*
13/06/2011 06:22:25 PM
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What isn't fair?
13/06/2011 08:07:08 PM
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I'm not looking for someone to fix, but the not fair bit I was refering to was little irony dig *NM*
13/06/2011 10:10:11 PM
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You don't need to be broken to enjoy being appreciated
13/06/2011 10:17:01 PM
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No, Helene, You repeatedly attempt to sidetrack discussion with attacks against my person
13/06/2011 10:20:01 PM
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But it makes me feel good
13/06/2011 10:45:07 PM
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I'm not a hedonist
13/06/2011 10:57:25 PM
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If you really wanted to debate the actual issue, you would have. *NM*
13/06/2011 11:51:53 PM
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I don't believe that at all.
13/06/2011 04:48:26 AM
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Ok, perhaps I can't talk from experience... as that group of men has self selected out of the game
13/06/2011 10:47:59 AM
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Showing appreciation is a losing strategy.
13/06/2011 04:55:09 AM
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So you don't know how to open a woman up sexually
13/06/2011 10:51:17 AM
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Oh how clever of you!
13/06/2011 09:59:01 PM
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Not to gang up on you or anything, but...
13/06/2011 10:15:57 PM
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If you'ld actually read his post Tom gave reasons beyond lack of sexual adventuressness *NM*
13/06/2011 10:17:11 PM
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Of which the "letting you do your own thing" was the only one I can take seriously.
13/06/2011 10:30:10 PM
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So rather than adress your disagreement on the facts you just pretended he didn't say them? *NM*
13/06/2011 10:34:02 PM
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I'm sure that there are Eastern European women who will fulfill the "traditionally female role"?
13/06/2011 10:43:43 PM
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It's that the prudishness is indicative of a more general sense of entitlement and manipulativeness.
13/06/2011 11:02:20 PM
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Yes. And "passive-aggressive behavior" is another one I'd add. *NM*
13/06/2011 11:18:40 PM
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So far in this debate, you've only displayed your feelings of entitlement
14/06/2011 12:05:16 AM
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I give to the relationship. I give a shitload of money.
14/06/2011 12:13:47 AM
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Bringing in money does not a relationship make. The rest, however, sounds a lot better
14/06/2011 12:38:45 AM
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So Let me understand what you are saying...
14/06/2011 02:40:50 AM
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I'm not sure, based on that response, you're capable of understanding anything at all.
14/06/2011 03:17:37 AM
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I can see why you might have trouble finding an American woman who would agree with that
14/06/2011 02:00:49 PM
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Guys have their own problems, but the conversation is revolving around women at the moment. *NM* *NM*
14/06/2011 01:23:20 AM
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The conversation did start being about MEN's problems.
14/06/2011 03:36:36 AM
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Be good, Ana.
14/06/2011 03:40:12 AM
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You may be mistaken.
14/06/2011 03:54:28 AM
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Thats unfortuanate, Ana
14/06/2011 03:58:50 AM
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The only reason the conversation is revolving around women is because Tom laid all the blame at
14/06/2011 07:35:34 AM
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Wow.. all the misogynists came out to play
13/06/2011 11:57:05 PM
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I don't see a lot of misogyny.
14/06/2011 12:59:06 AM
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You are blind to misogyny because you lack awareness in that area
14/06/2011 07:38:48 AM
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Why misogynist? Why not Anti-American?
14/06/2011 01:32:17 AM
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So, which women are better than American women?
14/06/2011 03:38:38 AM
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Re: Haha
14/06/2011 04:18:46 AM
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You seem very intent on coming off as the smartest guy in the room.
14/06/2011 04:40:26 AM
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I think that's an unfair characterization of the RP board
14/06/2011 04:58:29 AM
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Who are you, again?
14/06/2011 05:07:04 AM
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Tsk. I need to be more memorable.
14/06/2011 05:16:33 AM
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Er, see my post withe country names in it. I hate this messageboard layout. *NM* *NM*
14/06/2011 04:50:31 AM
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Spain, Norway, Japan?
14/06/2011 04:38:43 AM
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Norway is the only one that passes.
14/06/2011 01:14:54 PM
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Why did I pick that one? Because you completely ignore men's part in a culture that sexually
14/06/2011 07:54:39 AM
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Helene, you're also not an American woman.
14/06/2011 01:03:23 PM
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It's the people who make sweeping generalisations about American women who need to defend themselves
14/06/2011 01:18:43 PM
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I didn't ignore it at all. I just bracketed it. It's quite possible, you know.
14/06/2011 08:49:03 PM
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I don't exactly expect to influence your opinion, just to voice my own.
13/06/2011 10:40:39 PM
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The last part summed it up nicely. That was all I thought you meant anyway.
14/06/2011 03:17:45 AM
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Oh, but I can do any and all of these things!
14/06/2011 12:06:41 AM
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hey! I really like your poem "name" - syllables knowing other lovers - excellent.
15/06/2011 01:49:06 AM
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I agree.
13/06/2011 01:23:51 PM
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Inside the bedroom? Sure. I could agree. But you're not American anyway.
13/06/2011 08:52:42 PM
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You're basically just saying that American attitudes toward sex results in repressed women
13/06/2011 09:03:47 PM
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Theoretically they can be "unrepressed". But why waste the time and effort?
13/06/2011 10:06:52 PM
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How can you tell it's because she cares, instead of because that's what's traditionally expected
13/06/2011 10:48:12 PM
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It's funny
13/06/2011 02:51:03 PM
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Well of course you can't see the faults of American women. You're American.
13/06/2011 08:51:35 PM
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I'm sure that American women, along with all other women on earth
13/06/2011 09:00:33 PM
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It's not my job to make a girl comfortable about her sexuality.
13/06/2011 10:03:27 PM
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If the sex is all there is, then yes, makes sense.
13/06/2011 10:18:15 PM
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Who willingly goes into a relationship knowing the sex will be bad?
14/06/2011 03:52:43 AM
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And you don't think that the men in these relationships contributed to the current situation at all?
14/06/2011 07:59:15 AM
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In this particular aspect, absolutely not.
14/06/2011 02:19:33 PM
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Of course I consider that you might be right
14/06/2011 03:59:50 PM
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^ And this response immediately above is my last. This is eating into a real workday now. ^
14/06/2011 05:53:43 PM
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Loads of people, if that's compensated by other things?
14/06/2011 08:38:45 PM
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I would rather be in a good marriage with bad sex than the other way around *NM*
14/06/2011 10:33:27 PM
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Of course it is your job as a sex partner to make your partner feel comfortable about being with you
13/06/2011 10:50:52 PM
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Like fucking Hell it is.
14/06/2011 12:18:02 AM
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You're totally cracking me up in here.
14/06/2011 12:30:39 AM
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Have you ever been accused of date rape?
14/06/2011 12:46:30 AM
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No. And that's an absurd question.
14/06/2011 01:08:13 AM
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No, the point you were arguing was absurd. I just pointed out what you were arguing.
14/06/2011 08:03:13 AM
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Let's cut the sophistry
14/06/2011 02:24:52 PM
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If that's what you wanted to say, it would have helped for you to be more explicit.
14/06/2011 04:10:43 PM
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"Why do these women use sex as a manipulative tool?"
14/06/2011 05:06:33 PM
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It seems to me there is a very simple answer to that question.
14/06/2011 05:26:09 PM
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I don't think it works at all.
14/06/2011 05:48:48 PM
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Your anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise.
14/06/2011 06:31:28 PM
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I agree with Sareitha. Women do that because it (apears to) works for them, in the short term
14/06/2011 08:28:11 PM
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I can't see that I would put up with that either
14/06/2011 10:32:09 PM
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I haven't tried it either. Seems to me like that is closely related to The Silent Treatment.
15/06/2011 03:43:45 AM
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A fairly self-aware American. With many female friends, even
13/06/2011 11:59:34 PM
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Yeah I don't buy that "most American girls are prudes" concept
14/06/2011 04:10:37 PM
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I think most of it depends on the "type" of girl a guy goes for.
14/06/2011 11:09:34 PM
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some times there is a fine line between kinky and perverted sometimes there isn't
14/06/2011 11:32:17 PM
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A moment
14/06/2011 05:01:05 PM
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Camilla, I'm trying to keep this at arm's length a bit.
14/06/2011 05:42:18 PM
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But you started it.
14/06/2011 08:43:47 PM
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I did start it, yes.
16/06/2011 03:32:54 PM
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You should have quit before this.
16/06/2011 03:46:01 PM
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No, I shouldn't have.
16/06/2011 04:03:21 PM
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Re: I did start it, yes.
16/06/2011 03:46:06 PM
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Yes, we do!
16/06/2011 04:04:02 PM
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Take is up the ass or you are a prude?
16/06/2011 04:09:54 PM
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Maybe Tom will make allowances for preferences instead of an unwillingness because it's "wrong"? *NM*
16/06/2011 04:22:45 PM
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You didn't read the list very well.
16/06/2011 07:08:19 PM
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Re: The idea that If it hurts it's not being done right - Not neccessarily.
17/06/2011 01:13:18 AM
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If I weren't such a prude (3), I would post this list to facebook.
16/06/2011 05:08:05 PM
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You mixed up prudishness and sexual compatibility with you
16/06/2011 05:21:31 PM
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No I didn't.
16/06/2011 07:14:27 PM
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Calling my response a knee jerk reaction is just silly, and in itself, a knee jerk response.
16/06/2011 07:38:28 PM
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Okay. I'm going to just stop replying.
16/06/2011 08:28:02 PM
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Your world view is just too self referential to be
16/06/2011 08:36:39 PM
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As is yours. *NM*
16/06/2011 08:44:10 PM
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Question
16/06/2011 07:42:37 PM
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Ha Ha, who cares about the guy? It is only female sexuality that is on trial.
16/06/2011 08:06:33 PM
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That is an incorrect assumption.
16/06/2011 08:30:08 PM
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Awww you didn't take my bait!
16/06/2011 08:44:16 PM
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There's very little I haven't been willing to do
16/06/2011 08:52:31 PM
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Hehehe, But *I* recall it!
16/06/2011 09:22:40 PM
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Wait, I think I know what you're talking about.
16/06/2011 09:27:20 PM
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Damn, I was going to guess "in a coffin".
16/06/2011 09:31:36 PM
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She's significantly younger than O'Donnell, and was better looking.
16/06/2011 09:33:51 PM
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I'm reminded of an ex of mine
16/06/2011 08:32:34 PM
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That's really awful.
16/06/2011 09:16:33 PM
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When you're with a person who appreciates you, it's not like that at all
16/06/2011 09:29:32 PM
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THIS!! LISTEN!! the woman is * lightbulb* speaking from a woman's perspective.
14/06/2011 02:52:26 AM
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Wondering why we're still single, are we? Try a minimum of politeness first.
14/06/2011 03:21:15 AM
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Where did I insinuate you can't please women? *NM*
14/06/2011 08:05:14 AM
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I refer you to "So you don't know how to open a woman up sexually" *NM*
14/06/2011 02:09:40 PM
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That's not about pleasing, that's about making someone feel confident and safe
14/06/2011 04:13:24 PM
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What B/c i sank you YOUR level? Piss Off. AS if I give 2 shits what you think about me.
16/06/2011 02:19:04 AM
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Becca, can you pinpoint the moment you became a bitter worndown shell of a woman? *NM*
16/06/2011 03:21:21 AM
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Your journal entry is revealing. You sound bitter and hurt. I hope you find the healing you need.
15/06/2011 01:40:23 AM
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You know what? not called for. *NM*
15/06/2011 02:05:14 PM
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Re: It's funny
14/06/2011 03:50:13 AM
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On a completely unrelated note
14/06/2011 11:03:58 PM
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TMJ is right.
15/06/2011 02:11:57 PM
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Re: TMJ is right.
16/06/2011 12:22:10 AM
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Yes.
16/06/2011 03:41:05 PM
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Excuse me while I go hit something. A journalism major perhaps. *NM*
12/06/2011 09:09:26 PM
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Stunning rebuttal!!! *NM*
12/06/2011 10:07:39 PM
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Theres nothing there I really need to refute....
13/06/2011 01:20:43 AM
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Well, thanks for contributing nothing to the discussion. *NM*
13/06/2011 04:41:56 AM
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Is there a reason you feel the need to jump up my ass? *NM*
13/06/2011 05:16:53 AM
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Your winning personality?
13/06/2011 03:45:09 PM
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of course looking at tons of porn all the time is going to affect men
13/06/2011 11:15:02 PM
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You make a lot of sense, thanks for posting and adding your perspective. *NM*
14/06/2011 12:11:03 AM
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Re: It's a sexy topic, but all these generalizations are becoming wet blankets.
14/06/2011 02:13:31 AM
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I think this and the replies by Post Secret and random thoughts all kind of get at my ideas here.
14/06/2011 02:30:52 PM
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There is way too much crap in this thread, but I give this reply my seal of approval. *NM*
14/06/2011 05:02:04 PM
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I think you are spot on with the seal theory.
14/06/2011 05:16:59 PM
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Dirty motherfuckers! We need to lift all bans on whaling immediately to stem this momentum! *NM*
15/06/2011 01:56:30 AM
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[something less snarky]
14/06/2011 10:17:18 PM
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Re: How come your 1st edit is not at all what was originally posted?
15/06/2011 03:06:02 AM
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Funny how so many fault lines rupture in the comments to posts like this
14/06/2011 04:23:23 AM
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so the problem is southern women are just not good enough for you?
14/06/2011 01:51:30 PM
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No, more like not similar enough
14/06/2011 04:13:52 PM
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As someone who has never lived under the same roof more than five consecutive years
14/06/2011 06:06:10 PM
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Job. Always a job matter.
14/06/2011 11:22:33 PM
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Try south Texas, you may not notice you are not in South America
15/06/2011 02:44:21 AM
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Ha! I used to live in the metro Miami area, so I know what you mean
15/06/2011 03:20:41 AM
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sweet jesus you are crazy
15/06/2011 04:38:28 AM
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Maybe, but it certainly drains me of being involved much elsewhere
15/06/2011 05:29:21 AM
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Why all this vitriol?
14/06/2011 05:19:47 AM
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It started there here:
14/06/2011 01:06:32 PM
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Tom made an untenable comment
14/06/2011 01:21:06 PM
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Interestingly, the article talked about men being prudish in their real lives.
14/06/2011 03:27:00 PM
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I figure this may be true, but I can't speak from a lot of experience.
14/06/2011 04:23:08 PM
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I was writing a lengthy reply to disagree, but then I ended up rather close to where you stand.
14/06/2011 09:17:55 PM
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We haven't had one of these in a while!
14/06/2011 06:36:18 AM
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Yes, it takes a good flame war to get the engines firing on all cylinders.
14/06/2011 02:00:20 PM
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This post got more abused than a nasty Japanese bukkake! Lol. *NM*
15/06/2011 10:07:04 AM
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I started to read this but got bored and looked at porn.
14/06/2011 03:15:28 PM
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I think I've read pretty much all of it. I think it's better than porn. Well, bad porn.
14/06/2011 11:01:20 PM
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You know what Tom, it occurs to me that this is very American thinking.
15/06/2011 03:07:00 AM
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Actually, my Russian guy friends tend to be more vehement than I am on this point.
15/06/2011 05:12:51 AM
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Huh, could it be because most Russians are atheist?
15/06/2011 05:36:47 AM
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That could be a major part of it
16/06/2011 09:06:21 PM
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Well, there's no question that a prior consultation with me could strengthen any argument. *NM*
16/06/2011 10:36:12 PM
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