recently. It has been bugging me since I had it, and I am drunk but unable to share this with friends in the Real Life.

My dreams are normally things that I cannot remember. But on occasion, I will dream something I can remember. Almost always, I dream something of my ex wife. Whether I want to or not.

Most of the dream are pretty standard fair, I think. Dreams of us still being married, but in the current location that I or she is now. Doing the things that married couples do (yes, some are wet dreams. VERY wet dreams.) Most are doing mundane things like painting rooms, going to get groceries, making the bed, that sort of thing.

But the other night, I had a very strange dream. I dreamed I was online playing Second Life. Very weird for me because I have never played, nor have I ever had any inclination to play it. So I am viewing my dream through my avatar’s eyes….

The city block looked like it was made in the ‘50s. Houses in a row, essentially one model with minor superficial changes. Different colors, different windows, fountains in the yard, gnomes scattered about flower beds.

I realize I haven’t been to “my” house in a couple of years. I get to the door painted a forest green that goes well with the dark brown siding of the house. Once open, I enter to living room that is filled top to bottom, left to right with Teddy Bears.

Each bear is holding a different gift. Some had flowers, others had small boxes of various shapes and sizes. I walk to one bear that is sitting in front of all the others. Form the way it is placed, it is obviously the last bear that was put there. It is holding a card that is dated to the day before the last time I spoke to my ex.

A message is written on the card. ‘I have built this house for you, given you these presents because I love you. Maybe it was a mistake to leave, but since then I have felt conflicting emotions. On one hand, I need to focus on me and that is something that I cannot do while being married and living with you. On the other, I feel as if I have made a great mistake, probably the ultimate mistake of my life. I have been leaving these Bears in the hopes that you would find them and respond. But you haven’t. You have complete ignored this virtual house. How can I continue to correct what might have been the greatest wrong in my life if you won’t even respond to me? So this is good bye. The next time we speak on the phone will be the last time that you ever hear from me.’


At this point, I leave second life and I am crying. It has been 2 years since she has spoken to me. Over 2 years that I never logged on. And it feels like I am breaking again.

As I wake up, I felt broken again. Like all of the progress I have made in moving on was. Just. Gone. Like it never happened. I haven’t cried since I got divorced, but I did this morning. My damn broke and my tears flowed like rivers unto the sea. Yet I feel no better for it. I am once again lost in sorrow and I don’t’ want to be.