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I think this is about priorities. rebelaessedai Send a noteboard - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM
That doesn't mean I think it's good, either - just that many couples become resigned to this kind of thing.

To me a successful relationship/marriage is about valuing the other person's happiness as much as your own. This entails doing things like holiday dinners (and never speaking condescendingly about them in public!). You also want to have a good (or at least respectful) relationship with your partner's family if they are remotely important to him/her.

I don't like the idea of lowered expectations. I saw a study recently which found that couples with an idealized view of each other on their wedding day tend to be happier five years into the marriage than those with a more cynical perspective. Your partner should be someone you enjoy more and treat better than the rest of the world - not necessarily 100% of the time, but as a general rule.

So my view is that a relationship is not "better" just because you regularly get by with acting how you'd want to act if you were single.

Of course I am engaged too and haven't been with the guy all that long (dated 15 months, friends for ten years), so maybe I have a naive view of things. We'll be flying across the country soon to spend the spring holiday in our hometown... my family lives there too, but I'll be staying with his because my relationship with my family is so complicated. To be honest, I really don't want to go, I don't want to see them (my family) right now, and I wish that his first vacation in a year were to somewhere like Hawaii instead. But it's important to him, so I'll shut up and go. :P


I mean, Nick would like me to visit his family when he goes, but it's not of the utmost importance that I do so. I probably won't go if his brother is involved because we got into it and I don't like him. Nick understands and respects that. But at the same time, he doesn't particularly like his brother either. ;)
It just depends on the people involved. I'm sad that you would rather not go and feel like you're obligated to go anyway, but maybe your relationship works better that way. To each his own.
Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position. - Bill Maher
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Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down? Helene - 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM 1801 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but... Urza - 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM 956 Views
Fair enough Helene - 19/04/2011 10:01:51 AM 908 Views
Not all inlaws are bad, you know, I prefer some of my inlaws to my own family. *NM* Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:56:03 PM 446 Views
inlaws are not always bad random thoughts - 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM 871 Views
I spend way more time with my in-laws than with my own family. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:17:41 PM 862 Views
I'm like this with my future in-laws too. *NM* Clover - 19/04/2011 04:47:05 PM 422 Views
I think they are right ironclad - 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM 1085 Views
I see your point Helene - 19/04/2011 10:42:51 AM 1038 Views
Re: I think they are right Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM 916 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM 845 Views
What he said about his wife's mother Helene - 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM 1011 Views
Ew. I would have a problem with that too. Something about that attitude makes me dig in my heels. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:37:38 AM 766 Views
No offense... ironclad - 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM 997 Views
yes but have you found such a thing? random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM 917 Views
For now I have *NM* ironclad - 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM 458 Views
how long has it been? *NM* random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM 433 Views
Don't try to corrupt me with your long term pessimism ironclad - 19/04/2011 03:34:39 PM 862 Views
sadly I seem attracted to the crazies *NM* random thoughts - 19/04/2011 04:08:14 PM 425 Views
Yes. But it didn't start out like that. Took years to chip away all our rough edges. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:40:29 AM 943 Views
Could be either snoopcester - 19/04/2011 10:30:50 AM 956 Views
True enough... Helene - 19/04/2011 10:44:28 AM 937 Views
My opinion is the latter. Macharius - 19/04/2011 01:55:00 PM 941 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM 915 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Macharius - 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM 879 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations snoopcester - 19/04/2011 02:13:25 PM 1019 Views
I should have read this first. Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:25:16 PM 962 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations Sareitha Sedai - 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM 928 Views
You don't strike me as the "screeching-howler-monkey" type to begin with. *NM* Macharius - 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM 428 Views
I love just about everything about you Sareitha. Good answers all. *NM* Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:26:34 AM 396 Views
I translated "I will think about it" as a secret but obvious code for. "I don't really want to but Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:34:36 AM 1041 Views
that's what I would have meant if I said "I'll think about it" *NM* LadyLorraine - 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM 401 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot random thoughts - 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM 1022 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have Helene - 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM 872 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married random thoughts - 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM 914 Views
How did things change? Helene - 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM 928 Views
Like I said I can only speak for myself random thoughts - 19/04/2011 04:54:04 PM 932 Views
There's already a 10 year old in the picture for us Helene - 19/04/2011 06:52:44 PM 861 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM 971 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself random thoughts - 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM 902 Views
I know. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM 1136 Views
Sorry for some reason I thought you had just got married. random thoughts - 20/04/2011 09:52:24 PM 1375 Views
Good luck to them! *NM* rebelaessedai - 22/04/2011 04:25:38 AM 413 Views
Re: The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot Tihs Tnuc - 19/04/2011 04:34:34 PM 833 Views
From the information that you have presented... Jeordam - 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM 1066 Views
I am in agreement with you, and I'm not particularly Christian. Helene - 19/04/2011 04:11:57 PM 853 Views
Which is sad (not the agreement, but their potential future) Jeordam - 19/04/2011 06:29:47 PM 927 Views
Oh yes... I'm of course not sure. I can be way off base :-) Let's hope I am. Helene - 19/04/2011 06:55:13 PM 896 Views
Could go either way. Dannymac - 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM 870 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa Helene - 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM 871 Views
Giving up is one thing, growing past is another. Dannymac - 19/04/2011 10:00:55 PM 830 Views
Oh, to be fair, he's the friend and she's the wife Helene - 20/04/2011 08:43:12 AM 798 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce. Clover - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM 859 Views
I think you are 100% right about having a good realtionship with your spouse's family random thoughts - 19/04/2011 05:07:12 PM 874 Views
I think this is about priorities. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM 1019 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families. Clover - 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM 861 Views
Even when younger, I was independent. rebelaessedai - 20/04/2011 05:29:59 AM 765 Views
*nods* Clover - 20/04/2011 06:25:29 AM 943 Views
rebelaessedai - 22/04/2011 04:29:32 AM 1148 Views
Not the former for sure, and maybe not the latter. Palatine - 19/04/2011 05:55:03 PM 916 Views
I think it's impossible for me to judge their future status without knowing more about them LadyLorraine - 19/04/2011 07:22:32 PM 885 Views
Can't tell. nossy - 19/04/2011 10:04:27 PM 833 Views
I'm with the 'can't tell' crowd. Antigone - 19/04/2011 11:37:17 PM 1142 Views
hell, or she could just not care too much at all LadyLorraine - 19/04/2011 11:43:21 PM 853 Views
What you said in the original question wouldn't neccessarily mean much to me either way. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 01:56:55 AM 869 Views
It's not all out "she's worthless", it's more like "she's a bit silly with all her wishes" Helene - 20/04/2011 08:46:49 AM 856 Views
That would still be a deal breaker for me. Tashmere - 20/04/2011 11:49:09 PM 863 Views
I'm leaning more towards your interpretation. *NM* TaskmasterJack - 20/04/2011 02:15:22 AM 389 Views
I don't know. *NM* (I feel bad for the 20 people who viewed this message- my apologies) Vivien - 20/04/2011 04:36:13 AM 914 Views
I'm with you on this. *NM* Camilla - 20/04/2011 10:00:41 AM 438 Views
*sigh* Yunalesca - 20/04/2011 09:25:02 PM 977 Views
Re: I mean, it's not good. *NM* Gaps - 20/04/2011 11:50:21 PM 381 Views
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