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I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce. Clover Send a noteboard - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM
That doesn't mean I think it's good, either - just that many couples become resigned to this kind of thing.

To me a successful relationship/marriage is about valuing the other person's happiness as much as your own. This entails doing things like holiday dinners (and never speaking condescendingly about them in public!). You also want to have a good (or at least respectful) relationship with your partner's family if they are remotely important to him/her.

I don't like the idea of lowered expectations. I saw a study recently which found that couples with an idealized view of each other on their wedding day tend to be happier five years into the marriage than those with a more cynical perspective. Your partner should be someone you enjoy more and treat better than the rest of the world - not necessarily 100% of the time, but as a general rule.

So my view is that a relationship is not "better" just because you regularly get by with acting how you'd want to act if you were single.

Of course I am engaged too and haven't been with the guy all that long (dated 15 months, friends for ten years), so maybe I have a naive view of things. We'll be flying across the country soon to spend the spring holiday in our hometown... my family lives there too, but I'll be staying with his because my relationship with my family is so complicated. To be honest, I really don't want to go, I don't want to see them (my family) right now, and I wish that his first vacation in a year were to somewhere like Hawaii instead. But it's important to him, so I'll shut up and go.


This message last edited by Clover on 19/04/2011 at 04:45:16 PM
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Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down? - 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM 1801 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but... - 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM 957 Views
Fair enough - 19/04/2011 10:01:51 AM 909 Views
inlaws are not always bad - 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM 871 Views
I spend way more time with my in-laws than with my own family. - 19/04/2011 02:17:41 PM 863 Views
I'm like this with my future in-laws too. *NM* - 19/04/2011 04:47:05 PM 423 Views
I think they are right - 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM 1086 Views
I see your point - 19/04/2011 10:42:51 AM 1039 Views
Re: I think they are right - 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM 917 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption. - 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM 846 Views
What he said about his wife's mother - 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM 1011 Views
No offense... - 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM 997 Views
yes but have you found such a thing? - 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM 917 Views
For now I have *NM* - 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM 458 Views
how long has it been? *NM* - 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM 433 Views
Don't try to corrupt me with your long term pessimism - 19/04/2011 03:34:39 PM 863 Views
sadly I seem attracted to the crazies *NM* - 19/04/2011 04:08:14 PM 425 Views
Could be either - 19/04/2011 10:30:50 AM 957 Views
True enough... - 19/04/2011 10:44:28 AM 937 Views
My opinion is the latter. - 19/04/2011 01:55:00 PM 941 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM 915 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM 879 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:13:25 PM 1019 Views
I should have read this first. - 19/04/2011 02:25:16 PM 963 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations - 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM 928 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot - 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM 1023 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have - 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM 873 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married - 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM 914 Views
How did things change? - 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM 929 Views
Like I said I can only speak for myself - 19/04/2011 04:54:04 PM 932 Views
There's already a 10 year old in the picture for us - 19/04/2011 06:52:44 PM 861 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this. - 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM 972 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself - 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM 902 Views
I know. - 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM 1136 Views
Sorry for some reason I thought you had just got married. - 20/04/2011 09:52:24 PM 1375 Views
Good luck to them! *NM* - 22/04/2011 04:25:38 AM 414 Views
From the information that you have presented... - 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM 1067 Views
Could go either way. - 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM 871 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa - 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM 872 Views
Giving up is one thing, growing past is another. - 19/04/2011 10:00:55 PM 830 Views
Oh, to be fair, he's the friend and she's the wife - 20/04/2011 08:43:12 AM 799 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce. - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM 860 Views
I think this is about priorities. - 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM 1019 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families. - 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM 862 Views
Even when younger, I was independent. - 20/04/2011 05:29:59 AM 766 Views
*nods* - 20/04/2011 06:25:29 AM 943 Views
- 22/04/2011 04:29:32 AM 1149 Views
Not the former for sure, and maybe not the latter. - 19/04/2011 05:55:03 PM 917 Views
Can't tell. - 19/04/2011 10:04:27 PM 833 Views
I'm with the 'can't tell' crowd. - 19/04/2011 11:37:17 PM 1142 Views
hell, or she could just not care too much at all - 19/04/2011 11:43:21 PM 854 Views
I'm leaning more towards your interpretation. *NM* - 20/04/2011 02:15:22 AM 390 Views
I'm with you on this. *NM* - 20/04/2011 10:00:41 AM 439 Views
*sigh* - 20/04/2011 09:25:02 PM 977 Views
Re: I mean, it's not good. *NM* - 20/04/2011 11:50:21 PM 381 Views

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