I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce.
Clover Send a noteboard - 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM
That doesn't mean I think it's good, either - just that many couples become resigned to this kind of thing.
To me a successful relationship/marriage is about valuing the other person's happiness as much as your own. This entails doing things like holiday dinners (and never speaking condescendingly about them in public!). You also want to have a good (or at least respectful) relationship with your partner's family if they are remotely important to him/her.
I don't like the idea of lowered expectations. I saw a study recently which found that couples with an idealized view of each other on their wedding day tend to be happier five years into the marriage than those with a more cynical perspective. Your partner should be someone you enjoy more and treat better than the rest of the world - not necessarily 100% of the time, but as a general rule.
So my view is that a relationship is not "better" just because you regularly get by with acting how you'd want to act if you were single.
Of course I am engaged too and haven't been with the guy all that long (dated 15 months, friends for ten years), so maybe I have a naive view of things. We'll be flying across the country soon to spend the spring holiday in our hometown... my family lives there too, but I'll be staying with his because my relationship with my family is so complicated. To be honest, I really don't want to go, I don't want to see them (my family) right now, and I wish that his first vacation in a year were to somewhere like Hawaii instead. But it's important to him, so I'll shut up and go.
To me a successful relationship/marriage is about valuing the other person's happiness as much as your own. This entails doing things like holiday dinners (and never speaking condescendingly about them in public!). You also want to have a good (or at least respectful) relationship with your partner's family if they are remotely important to him/her.
I don't like the idea of lowered expectations. I saw a study recently which found that couples with an idealized view of each other on their wedding day tend to be happier five years into the marriage than those with a more cynical perspective. Your partner should be someone you enjoy more and treat better than the rest of the world - not necessarily 100% of the time, but as a general rule.
So my view is that a relationship is not "better" just because you regularly get by with acting how you'd want to act if you were single.
Of course I am engaged too and haven't been with the guy all that long (dated 15 months, friends for ten years), so maybe I have a naive view of things. We'll be flying across the country soon to spend the spring holiday in our hometown... my family lives there too, but I'll be staying with his because my relationship with my family is so complicated. To be honest, I really don't want to go, I don't want to see them (my family) right now, and I wish that his first vacation in a year were to somewhere like Hawaii instead. But it's important to him, so I'll shut up and go.
This message last edited by Clover on 19/04/2011 at 04:45:16 PM
Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down?
- 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM
1804 Views
Helene, I want to give you an answer but...
- 19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM
960 Views
Not all inlaws are bad, you know, I prefer some of my inlaws to my own family. *NM*
- 19/04/2011 01:56:03 PM
446 Views
inlaws are not always bad
- 19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM
873 Views
I think they are right
- 19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM
1089 Views
Re: I think they are right
- 19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM
919 Views
I think that's an unfair assumption.
- 19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM
848 Views
What he said about his wife's mother
- 19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM
1015 Views
Ew. I would have a problem with that too. Something about that attitude makes me dig in my heels.
- 20/04/2011 01:37:38 AM
769 Views
No offense...
- 19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM
1001 Views
yes but have you found such a thing?
- 19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM
921 Views
For now I have 
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM
459 Views
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM
459 Views
how long has it been? *NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM
434 Views
Yes. But it didn't start out like that. Took years to chip away all our rough edges.
- 20/04/2011 01:40:29 AM
946 Views
He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM
918 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM
884 Views
Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
- 19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM
931 Views
You don't strike me as the "screeching-howler-monkey" type to begin with. 
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM
429 Views
*NM*
- 19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM
429 Views
I love just about everything about you Sareitha. Good answers all. *NM*
- 20/04/2011 01:26:34 AM
397 Views
I translated "I will think about it" as a secret but obvious code for. "I don't really want to but
- 20/04/2011 01:34:36 AM
1043 Views
that's what I would have meant if I said "I'll think about it" *NM*
- 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM
403 Views
*NM*
- 20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM
403 Views
The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
- 19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM
1024 Views
To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have
- 19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM
876 Views
I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married
- 19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM
920 Views
How did things change?
- 19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM
931 Views
My husband and I don't understand why people say this.
- 20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM
976 Views
I did say I was only speaking for myself
- 20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM
908 Views
I know.
- 20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM
1140 Views
Re: The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
- 19/04/2011 04:34:34 PM
836 Views
From the information that you have presented...
- 19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM
1070 Views
I am in agreement with you, and I'm not particularly Christian.
- 19/04/2011 04:11:57 PM
855 Views
Which is sad (not the agreement, but their potential future)
- 19/04/2011 06:29:47 PM
934 Views
Oh yes... I'm of course not sure. I can be way off base :-) Let's hope I am.
- 19/04/2011 06:55:13 PM
898 Views
Could go either way.
- 19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM
874 Views
I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa
- 19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM
879 Views
I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce.
- 19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM
863 Views
I think you are 100% right about having a good realtionship with your spouse's family
- 19/04/2011 05:07:12 PM
874 Views
I think this is about priorities.
- 20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM
1019 Views
Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families.
- 20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM
864 Views
I think it's impossible for me to judge their future status without knowing more about them
- 19/04/2011 07:22:32 PM
886 Views
What you said in the original question wouldn't neccessarily mean much to me either way.
- 20/04/2011 01:56:55 AM
874 Views
It's not all out "she's worthless", it's more like "she's a bit silly with all her wishes"
- 20/04/2011 08:46:49 AM
858 Views
I don't know. *NM* (I feel bad for the 20 people who viewed this message- my apologies)
- 20/04/2011 04:36:13 AM
917 Views