Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down?
Helene Send a noteboard - 19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM
I was talking with a friend about how his relationship with his wife has changed over time. How expectations when you just start out differ from when you first move in together, to now, where he felt that their expectation levels were far more compatible and therefore their relationship has really taken a turn for the positive.
As an example, he mentioned this past weekend. His wife had asked him if he wanted to go with her to her mother for Easter. He replied: "I'll think about it." Her response was that she said she'll just go on her own.
The improvement he saw here was that in the past, his response would have led to an argument. His stance in the argument was also clear from what he mentioned, namely: "I didn't say I wouldn't go, I said I'd think about it." So to his thinking, their expectation levels are more in sync, which shows the relationship is better.
To me it sounds a lot more like his wife has given up on trying to get him to come along, i.e. their expectation levels aren't more in sync, but she's simply given up on this part of their relationship.
Now I have a very different type of relationship from him. It would never occur to either my fiancé or me to not go to family when it's important for the other person. So my friend's response to his wife would have been utterly bewildering to me. A big part of a relationship to me is doing things for each other, because they are important to my partner, and my fiancé feels the same way.
So perhaps my views that this is a sign of a break down is simply caused by my different perspective on relationships. What do you think? Do you think that my friend's relationship has improved as he thinks, or do you think that it's a sign of his wife giving up on parts of their relationship, potentially leading to an eventual breakdown?
As an example, he mentioned this past weekend. His wife had asked him if he wanted to go with her to her mother for Easter. He replied: "I'll think about it." Her response was that she said she'll just go on her own.
The improvement he saw here was that in the past, his response would have led to an argument. His stance in the argument was also clear from what he mentioned, namely: "I didn't say I wouldn't go, I said I'd think about it." So to his thinking, their expectation levels are more in sync, which shows the relationship is better.
To me it sounds a lot more like his wife has given up on trying to get him to come along, i.e. their expectation levels aren't more in sync, but she's simply given up on this part of their relationship.
Now I have a very different type of relationship from him. It would never occur to either my fiancé or me to not go to family when it's important for the other person. So my friend's response to his wife would have been utterly bewildering to me. A big part of a relationship to me is doing things for each other, because they are important to my partner, and my fiancé feels the same way.
So perhaps my views that this is a sign of a break down is simply caused by my different perspective on relationships. What do you think? Do you think that my friend's relationship has improved as he thinks, or do you think that it's a sign of his wife giving up on parts of their relationship, potentially leading to an eventual breakdown?
Relationship - positive development or signs of eventual break down?
19/04/2011 08:48:26 AM
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Helene, I want to give you an answer but...
19/04/2011 08:58:45 AM
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Not all inlaws are bad, you know, I prefer some of my inlaws to my own family. *NM*
19/04/2011 01:56:03 PM
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inlaws are not always bad
19/04/2011 02:10:18 PM
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I think they are right
19/04/2011 10:20:39 AM
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Re: I think they are right
19/04/2011 01:59:57 PM
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I think that's an unfair assumption.
19/04/2011 02:16:54 PM
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What he said about his wife's mother
19/04/2011 02:59:32 PM
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Ew. I would have a problem with that too. Something about that attitude makes me dig in my heels.
20/04/2011 01:37:38 AM
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No offense...
19/04/2011 02:35:53 PM
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yes but have you found such a thing?
19/04/2011 03:05:35 PM
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For now I have *NM*
19/04/2011 03:08:17 PM
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how long has it been? *NM*
19/04/2011 03:16:32 PM
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Yes. But it didn't start out like that. Took years to chip away all our rough edges.
20/04/2011 01:40:29 AM
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He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
19/04/2011 01:56:49 PM
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Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
19/04/2011 02:07:34 PM
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Re: He definitely has a point about realistic expectations
19/04/2011 02:23:14 PM
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You don't strike me as the "screeching-howler-monkey" type to begin with. *NM*
19/04/2011 03:33:41 PM
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I love just about everything about you Sareitha. Good answers all. *NM*
20/04/2011 01:26:34 AM
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I translated "I will think about it" as a secret but obvious code for. "I don't really want to but
20/04/2011 01:34:36 AM
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that's what I would have meant if I said "I'll think about it" *NM*
20/04/2011 02:00:33 AM
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The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
19/04/2011 02:09:27 PM
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To be fair, me and my fiance have been together for about as long as they have
19/04/2011 02:57:03 PM
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I don't know about everyone but things changed when we got married
19/04/2011 03:16:11 PM
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How did things change?
19/04/2011 04:14:56 PM
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My husband and I don't understand why people say this.
20/04/2011 01:03:31 AM
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I did say I was only speaking for myself
20/04/2011 01:58:45 PM
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I know.
20/04/2011 09:01:11 PM
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Re: The fact that you are referring to a fiancé and comparing it to wife says a lot
19/04/2011 04:34:34 PM
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From the information that you have presented...
19/04/2011 03:50:19 PM
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I am in agreement with you, and I'm not particularly Christian.
19/04/2011 04:11:57 PM
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Which is sad (not the agreement, but their potential future)
19/04/2011 06:29:47 PM
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Oh yes... I'm of course not sure. I can be way off base :-) Let's hope I am.
19/04/2011 06:55:13 PM
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Could go either way.
19/04/2011 04:36:02 PM
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I get the impression that it's more about her forming toward him than vice versa
19/04/2011 06:56:37 PM
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I don't necessarily think it will end in a breakup or divorce.
19/04/2011 04:44:11 PM
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I think you are 100% right about having a good realtionship with your spouse's family
19/04/2011 05:07:12 PM
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I think this is about priorities.
20/04/2011 01:07:20 AM
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Our priorities may shift over time, too. We're still very young and more tied to our families.
20/04/2011 03:09:54 AM
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I think it's impossible for me to judge their future status without knowing more about them
19/04/2011 07:22:32 PM
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What you said in the original question wouldn't neccessarily mean much to me either way.
20/04/2011 01:56:55 AM
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It's not all out "she's worthless", it's more like "she's a bit silly with all her wishes"
20/04/2011 08:46:49 AM
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I don't know. *NM* (I feel bad for the 20 people who viewed this message- my apologies)
20/04/2011 04:36:13 AM
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