NARCISSISM: A Guide to Making Self-Serving Posts
The Voice of Lews Therin - 5/25/2006 9:23:47 PM
NARCISSISM: A Guide to Making Self-Serving Posts

(Also known as the “You Really Like Me!” Guide)

You’re great. You’re perfect. You’re certainly the best person out of everyone you’ve come into contact with. And, while your knowledge of science may insist that the Earth orbits the sun, your instincts tell you that in fact, the entire universe rotates around you. Face it – you know that you look hot. You know that you’re smarter than all the losers that hang around the site, and you’re popular. You’re cool. Yet, for some reason, wotmania has lost its focus. For whatever inexplicable reason, you aren’t the undisputed center of everyone’s attention. What went wrong?

It’s an unpleasant situation to be in – wait, forget that. It’s not an “unpleasant situation;” that’s what happens when ugly people reeking of garlic and cabbage sit next to you on airplanes. No, this situation is nothing less than a cosmic travesty. There is something about the very fabric of time-space and reality that is wrong, out of kilter if you will. You need to remind people of why they come to wotmania: to adore you, to plan their lives around you and to reaffirm what you know to be true: that you are the best.

But how? You ask. You say to me, “I know that I’m more attractive, smarter, more popular, wittier, more exciting and more interesting than other people here, but dare I just come out and TELL people to worship and adore me? Do I just cry out for their attention with the same casual tone with which I comment on the weather? I mean, everyone just loves reading long rambling personal posts about how I found the book that my ex-girlfriend gave me two years ago, and how it raised bittersweet memories of our time together, of how earth-shatteringly gorgeous she was and how despite that, she wasn’t good enough for me. But it’s not that easy.

“Stupid newbies post idiotic surveys that they can’t even spell right, and people get distracted from reading about me and start to taunt and make fun of them. Druid posts those damn quizzes and people forget about ME for a moment. The herd is so easily moved. Current events, politics, all those stupid religion posts – they all detract from MY time. What can I do?” you ask in desperation.

Look no further (of course, you aren’t; you’ve stopped at your reflection in the monitor screen anyway). This guide is for you. I have a patented, 12-step program that can help you refocus the site on its natural and most appropriate topic: YOU. There are easy and proven ways that this can be achieved.

1. TAKE A CURRENT EVENT AND PERSONALIZE IT. This is a great way to remind people about you. You’re getting attention in a subtle way here and turning those distractions to your advantage. For example, if the Asian tsunami of December 2004 just hit, you talk about how terrible it is that nature wiped hundreds of thousands of lives off the planet all at once. You talk about the injustice (this is also great because it reminds people that you care about the poor, the homeless, the hungry, the sick, dogs with three legs and HIV/AIDS, which helps you lord your moral superiority over a lot of the cretins you meet) and then you mention how you and your friends have been planning to do something about it. You talk about what you plan on doing in great detail and end the post with a big smiley face of happiness (but only after putting the big blue sad face in the subject line, of course). You shift the focus from those hundreds of thousands of dead Indonesians to you and your friends, and your compassion and caring. After all, those Indonesians are dead and don’t post on the site anyway. It’s terrible that they died but this isn’t really about them; it’s about you.

2. TALK ABOUT HOW YOUR “DAY” IS GOING AND DIGRESS. This is great because a lot of people are at work. You put the little coffee pot icon up or just post something to the effect of “I hate work!” with the little rant smiley jumping up and down and people immediately connect on a visceral level. You draw them in like moths to the flame and, once you have them, you can switch the topic to a more appropriate one: YOU. You see, when you’re irritated at work, it never JUST has to do with work. You start by telling everyone what an asshole your boss is, or how it says paper jam when there is no paper, or how someone said you have a “case of the Mondays” and took your red Swingline stapler, but after you go through the motions of talking about work, you shift ever so slightly, along the lines of, “Well, it wouldn’t have been so bad that someone stole my doughnut and threw staples in my coffee if it weren’t for the fact that Steve, the loser I dumped three months ago, was waiting to talk to me after work with a dozen red roses and tickets for two to Acapulco. Why does life have to be so complicated?” This will make other people realize just how pathetic they are, because even though you may share the peaks and valleys of the workaday world, you are letting people know that the problems that are compounding your stress at work are anything but common. Your problems are special. They’re more important than other peoples’ problems, and just in case they doubt that, you’ve let them know. They might go back and hang themselves in their cubicles, but regardless, it will only be after posting about how lucky you are, which is what you really wanted to let them know anyway!

3. LET EVERYONE KNOW YOU’VE UPDATED YOUR PROFILE PIC. Mike must have had you in mind when he added that Profile Pic category. Of course, sometimes it helps not to click on the category itself, since some thoughtless cads have actually filtered out that category. No, it’s much better to put “Current Events” or “Wotmania Stuff” and then add in, yourself, in the subject line “/Profile Pics:” since that way the filter won’t catch the announcement. Some people have resorted to saying things like, “So you can see I’m not hot” or “Now everyone knows how ugly I look,” and, while this generally works, self-denigration is a double-edged sword. You don’t always get the validation and you send unconscious signals to people that maybe they’re wasting their time, and you really don’t want to do that. No. The far better thing is to tell them about the context in which the picture was taken: “My girlfriend had just told me she wanted to have my babies, but Ashley came over and said that she loved me too, and then Jay came over and took this pic of me with Ashley, and she’s just so hot, but I don’t know if I should dump my gf for Ashley…what do you think?” This way, you post a picture of yourself (hot) with a scantily-clad girl on your arm (hot) and you let everyone know that this is your backup choice. It keeps attention on you for quite some time and, when you feel that attention is slipping, you can repeat the process.

4. POST ABOUT EVERY MILESTONE IN YOUR LIFE YOU CAN QUANTIFY. Some of you may not be ready for this. Although you know that you’re better than other people, society has tried to keep you down by telling you that people aren’t interested in these sorts of things. In general, that’s true, but hey, we’re not just talking about anyone – we’re talking about YOU and YOUR fantastic, wonderful and praiseworthy achievements. Whether it’s getting a driver’s license, going to the prom with a cute guy, taking a windsurfing lesson, what you ate for lunch, or watching a pet rabbit poop on the floor, the world NEEDS to know because it’s YOUR life being chronicled. Some people, who have yet to recognize their full potential, might still label these sorts of posts as “spam” to feign modesty. Feigning modesty is never bad because it makes you look even more mature, wonderful and perfect, but this sort of thing needs to be carefully controlled because “spam” implies “garbage post” and you don’t want to be associated with that. No, if you’re going to be modest, it’s better to make a disclaimer along the lines of, “For anyone who’s interested…” which is a more subtle form of modesty (if it is modesty at all – but people will assume it is since you’re so great). That way, you can still close the post with something along the lines of “Yay for me! I’m happy! ”. Don’t forget that wotmania exists to catalogue your life, and that includes what you eat and how it comes out when you eliminate it hours later, what you wear and how you bathe, shave, put on makeup or watch television. It’s all good because it’s all about you.

5. USE A TRIVIAL “RANT” OR “COMPLAINT” TO TOUT YOURSELF. This may, at first glance, seem to be similar to Tip 2, above. However, it’s really quite different. The technique used in Tip 2, like that in Tip 1, is a means of refocusing attention on you by attracting the attention of those who are interested in things other than you (as sickening as it may sound, there are a lot of these sorts of people out there). This Tip 5, by contrast, is a catch-all that covers a wide variety of situations but is not a post about you masquerading as something else. You’re mad as hell and you’re not going to take it anymore. Get the idea? You let the entire site know that the world is a cruel place, and you want to make sure they know just how cruel it can be. You woke up this morning and realized that you have a hangnail. The bank was supposed to have processed that check for $97,000 but only $54,000 of it had cleared as of noon today. Your favorite breakfast cereal has been discontinued. Your flatscreen LCD TV (be sure to mention the size, but only if it’s really big) only has one component video port and you wanted both your DVD recorders to have that crisp, ultra-digitized look. Your girlfriend kind of bit you when she was giving you oral pleasure. The cop was going to give you a ticket just for going 12 over the speed limit (until you flirted with him). It’s just not fair. Life is supposed to be better than that for you. Others should sympathize. At the same time, you are letting everyone know that you just got a nice check, that cops let you go because you have a great body, that you have a great TV, that you have a nice girlfriend who goes down on you on a regular basis or that you are just wonderful in general. Keep people focused on you – after all, it’s all about you in the first place. People just need to be reminded.

6. GET YOUR FRIENDS TO POST ABOUT YOU. This is a FANTASTIC piece of advice. If you’re not around to post because you’re off being fabulous, all fun on the site should cease, people should scratch their heads and look around constantly asking where you are, in a state of near paralysis and shock, until you return. Your friends will help you with this by reminding the site that it just isn’t what it should be since you’re not around. Your friends will congratulate you on achievements, they’ll post fan fiction in the form of a WoT- (nor not WoT-) themed story, or sometimes they’ll just make a post with the simple subject line “Isn’t [YOU] so great? ”. Keep these friends close; they make excellent minions who will defend you when someone has the audacity to challenge your greatness. They will do all the dirty work in defending your reputation, they will sling the mud, they will descend to the level of your accusers and allow you to stay in your ivory tower of perfection and grace. They tell your detractors all the spiteful things that come to your mind but which you are too good to post. It’s even better if you can get friends who have “pull” on the site so that, if things get out of hand, you can get the ingrates that don’t appreciate you site-banned.

7. PUT YOUR WSE POINTS TO GOOD USE. I know what you’re thinking. The rest of the site should naturally turn to you, like a flower leaning toward the sun (turn to you, because you’re the only one, turn to you, when they’re upside down…turn to you). You shouldn’t have to pay for attention (you of all people). You’re right. The sad fact is, however, that sometimes you have to advertise yourself to get noticed in an extra-special way. If your friends’ posts aren’t going the distance, there’s always a wise use of wSE points. You can offer points to people for mentioning you in their signature. You can also make a mad dash to have more points than anyone else (although this has gotten out of hand and most attempts to get to number one have ended in abject failure). Regardless, you realize that wSE points actually matter to a lot of the people on the site and you shouldn’t be afraid to use them to give you that extra “push,” particularly if it’s around the Project or the Wotscars, when shameless self-promotion is in high gear. Be careful how you spend them, and to whom you give them, but realize that wSE points are nature’s little way of helping you reorient the site to its natural golden mean.

8. POST PERSONAL WRITING (POEMS, STORIES, THESES). Oh what a poet dies in thee! You are indispensible to the world, but people sometimes don’t fully appreciate that. As a result, it’s great to show them how you are contributing to the Immortal Flame of Culture or the Great Establishment of Science. If you write original prose or poetry, you have to share it with us, that we may bask in the glory that is your genius and see how the muse has gifted you above all others, favored you to carry on the torch of civilization and sped you along the path to greatness. A few Latin aphorisms here and there help greatly in this respect, either to introduce or conclude the original work. If your inclination is less to the realms of Calliope, Erato or Terpsichore, then you would do well to post an original thesis on matters of quantum physics, molecular biology or genetics. Make it technical. Keep it elevated and refined. Do not reduce academic truths to popular phrases. Remind those fools who need reminding that you are addressing mankind’s greatest aspirations and hopes, that you are contributing to the human experience while they are killing time. The community will thank you for it and realize how much they must treasure the miracle that is you.

9. WAX NOSTALGIC. Wotmania hasn’t been around forever; in fact, the site may have existed before it realized its true purpose (to glorify you). Of course, the universe made it happen that the site arose to “make straight” your path and draw the peoples of the earth together for your greater glory and praise, but unfortunately, you’ve done a lot of great and remarkable things that happened a long time ago. People need to know about that, too, not just the great things that are happening to you NOW (although it just keeps getting better, despite the well-documented frustrations that you have shared with the community). As a result, it’s sometimes good to wax nostalgic and reminisce about former glories as well, as a means of bringing them up in conversation. “Ah, yes, the bittersweet memories of 1995, when after winning the Regional Debate Tournament, I found myself ON TELEVISION for the first time…” works, as does “…I remember that, back in 1997, despite the fact I was personally responsible for the re-election of our town’s mayor, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of ennui…” The tone you take can help with the modesty factor, of course, but it allows you to make past events current and remind people of just how you became the wonderful and great person that you are today. Some of these walks down memory lane might even refer to earlier events on wotmania; after all, a lot of newbies that worship and adore you might not remember your previous witticisms, sly posts and general coolness.

10. CHANGE THAT PROFILE PIC AGAIN. “What?” you ask. “Didn’t you just mention this one? The attention I got from the earlier one hasn’t even faded yet!” to which I say: change it again anyway! There are people who copy these things and archive them! The bigger their file on you gets, the better. You can never be too pretty or too thin, and you can never get too much exposure through the profile pics that you select for yourself. Change them daily, or even hourly. People love it. They’re voyeurs and they’ve become accustomed to living vicariously through you. The more you give them, the more they will thirst for information about you to make their dull, grey lives seem meaningful. Play to it, revel in the glory and the fame and change that profile pic! In fact, if you’re even the least bit hesitant about whether or not it’s time to change it, it is time to change it. The only time NOT to change it, in fact, is if you’ve just put up a new one and you’re afraid enough people haven’t had enough time to admire it and bask in the rays of joy that stream from every monitor upon which it is displayed. Remember: it’s all about you, and the instant people forget that they have strayed from the true path. Go change the profile pic right now. Yes, right now.

11. TALK ABOUT SEX, THEN MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU. This technique is great for two reasons: people are very excited about sexual posts and will be sure to notice them, but they will also remember that YOU are the one who posted the sexual message and they will come to associate you with the joy of sex and orgasm. This is probably the best thing you can do, because once that happens, you don’t have to worry about losing a particular wotmaniac’s attention EVER AGAIN. You won’t have to pay wSE points, you won’t have to redirect their distracted attention, you won’t have to rely on friends’ posts (hell, they will become some of those posting friends) and they will be a captive audience. Sex is a powerful, powerful tool. You have used it in your personal life to get things and there is no reason why you can’t do the same online. In fact, you probably ARE doing the same thing online on other sites. You just might be wary about posting on wotmania since it is nominally a fan site. However, we’ve established that it is really about you. As long as you don’t get too graphic, your post won’t get deleted and you will be getting people hot and bothered. SCORE!

12. WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU’VE POSTED ABOVE, POST COMMENTS ABOUT THE FIRST POST IN A SECOND, SEEMINGLY UNRELATED POST. This point goes without saying. Don’t keep it in one post. If you post a response to a response in a new thread, more people will recognize you and get a chance to see how wonderful you really are. It’s simple.

These simple tips will help you maximize your ability to ensure that you remain exactly where you should be: at the center of everyone’s attention. Follow the tips and you will be assured success. Today, wotmania…tomorrow – the world!