As some of you know I've had a very difficult time the last number of years. My heart was broke asunder, the life I build ended...I wanted nothing more than for my life to end and to that end I made plans. A bottle of wine, some pills, a sleeping bag and a night in the forest. Oh yes I had it all planned. But for whatever reason I said something to someone here, or at Wotmania actually, and they said something...anyway I didn't follow through.
I never thought...
When I was a teenager I hoped and wished and prayed and all my hopes and wishes and prayers came true and I found something, someone special and then it all came crashing down the day David came out to me and then he died. David was a good man, a good person and I know he loved me to the best of his ability but...I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me but I couldn't, you know? I mean he was dieing and we both knew it so I had to keep everything inside. But it is still there. He's dead now so how can I hurt him? I want to hurt him. I want to lash out and hurt him as much as he hurt me. David was everything to me. My life, my love, my soul. It disturbs me that his coming out hurts worse than his dieing. I hate that. I hate that I still want to hurt him.
So much blah blah blah...

It is time for me to move on, time for a fresh start, time for me to forgive myself and David. I have lived in Vermont nigh on 11 years. My sister and youngest brother have been telling me for a couple of years now that I should move to Texas where I will be close to them and so I have decided to take them up on their offer/challenge. Who knows, maybe I will be able to find peace at last.

To my dear sweet friends here, forgive my silents please.