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This is why I deleted you. *NM* Brian Send a noteboard - 08/09/2009 05:14:44 AM
I will admit that I am a rabid quiz/game/hug/butterfly/etc blocker, but this article seems whiny to me. Thoughts? I realize some don't take much care to guard their friends' feelings, but I also kinda think it's my prerogative to avoid/skim the crap I don't want to read (or respond appropriately if it's offensive to me or another). Shouldn't it be "How friends ruin friendships?"

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

Notice to my friends: I love you all dearly.

But I don't give a hoot that you are "having a busy Monday," your child "took 30 minutes to brush his teeth," your dog "just ate an ant trap" or you want to "save the piglets." And I really, really don't care which Addams Family member you most resemble. (I could have told you the answer before you took the quiz on Facebook.)

Here's where you and I went wrong: We took our friendship online. First we began communicating more by email than by phone. Then we switched to "instant messaging" or "texting." We "friended" each other on Facebook, and began communicating by "tweeting" our thoughts—in 140 characters or less—via Twitter.

All this online social networking was supposed to make us closer. And in some ways it has. Thanks to the Internet, many of us have gotten back in touch with friends from high school and college, shared old and new photos, and become better acquainted with some people we might never have grown close to offline.

Last year, when a friend of mine was hit by a car and went into a coma, his friends and family were able to easily and instantly share news of his medical progress—and send well wishes and support—thanks to a Web page his mom created for him.

But there's a danger here, too. If we're not careful, our online interactions can hurt our real-life relationships.

Like many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of loved ones—you know who you are—who claim they are too busy to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts. ("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?";)

One of the big problems is how we converse. Typing still leaves something to be desired as a communication tool; it lacks the nuances that can be expressed by body language and voice inflection. "Online, people can't see the yawn," says Patricia Wallace, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins University's Center for Talented Youth and author of "The Psychology of the Internet."

But let's face it, the problem is much greater than which tools we use to communicate. It's what we are actually saying that's really mucking up our relationships. "Oh my God, a college friend just updated her Facebook status to say that her 'teeth are itching for a flossing!'" shrieked a friend of mine recently. "That's gross. I don't want to hear about what's going on inside her mouth."

That prompted me to check my own Facebook page, only to find that three of my pals—none of whom know each other—had the exact same status update: "Zzzzzzz." They promptly put me to "zzzzzzz."

This brings us to our first dilemma: Amidst all this heightened chatter, we're not saying much that's interesting, folks. Rather, we're breaking a cardinal rule of companionship: Thou Shalt Not Bore Thy Friends.

"It's called narcissism," says Matt Brown, a 36-year-old business-development manager for a chain of hair salons and spas in Seattle. He's particularly annoyed by a friend who works at an auto dealership who tweets every time he sells a car, a married couple who bicker on Facebook's public walls and another couple so "mooshy-gooshy" they sit in the same room of their house posting love messages to each other for all to see. "Why is your life so frickin' important and entertaining that we need to know?" Mr. Brown says.

Gwen Jewett, for her part, is sick of meal status updates. "A few of my friends like to post several times a day about what they are eating: 'I just ate a Frito pie.' 'I am enjoying a double hot-fudge sundae at home tonight.' 'Just ate a whole pizza with sausage, peppers and double cheese,'" says the 49-year-old career coach in suburban Dallas. "My question is this: If we didn't call each other on the phone every time we ate before, why do we need the alerts now?"

For others, boredom isn't the biggest challenge of managing Internet relationships. Consider, for example, how people you know often seem different online—not just gussied up or more polished, but bolder, too, displaying sides of their personalities you have never seen before.

Alex Gilbert, 27, who works for a nonprofit in Houston that teaches creative writing to kids, is still puzzling over an old friend—"a particularly masculine-type dude"—who plays in a heavy-metal band and heads a motorcycle club yet posts videos on Facebook of "uber cute" kittens. "It's not fodder for your real-life conversation," Mr. Gilbert says. "We're not going to get together and talk about how cute kittens are."

James Hills discovered that a colleague is gay via Facebook, but he says that didn't bother him. It was after his friend joined groups that cater to hairy men, such as "Furball NYC," that he was left feeling awkward. "This is something I just didn't need to know," says Mr. Hills, who is 32 and president of a marketing firm in Elgin, Ill. "I'd feel the same way if it was a straight friend joining a leather-and-lace group."

And then there's jealousy. In all that information you're posting about your life—your vacation, your kids, your promotions at work, even that margarita you just drank—someone is bound to find something to envy. When it comes to relationships, such online revelations can make breaking up even harder to do.

"Facebook prolongs the period it takes to get over someone, because you have an open window into their life, whether you want to or not," says Yianni Garcia of New York, a consultant who helps companies use social media. "You see their updates, their pictures and their relationship status."

Mr. Garcia, 24, felt the sting of Facebook jealousy personally last spring, after he split up with his boyfriend. For a few weeks, he continued to visit his ex's Facebook page, scrutinizing his new friends. Then one day he discovered that his former boyfriend had blocked him from accessing his profile.

Why? "He said he'd only 'unfriended' me to protect himself, because if someone flirted with me he would feel jealous," Mr. Garcia says.

Facebook can also be a mecca for passive-aggressive behavior. "Suddenly, things you wouldn't say out loud in conversation are OK to say because you're sitting behind a computer screen," says Kimberly Kaye, 26, an arts writer in New York. She was surprised when friends who had politely discussed health-care reform over dinner later grew much more antagonistic when they continued the argument online.

Just ask Heather White. She says her college roommate at the University of Georgia started an argument over text about who should clean their apartment. Ms. White, 22, who was home visiting her parents at the time, asked her friend to call her so they could discuss the issue. Her friend never did.

A few days later, Ms. White, who graduated in May, updated her Facebook status, commenting that her favorite country duo, Brooks & Dunn, just broke up. Almost immediately, her roommate responded, writing publicly on her wall: "Just like us." The two women have barely spoken since then.

So what's the solution, short of "unfriending" or "unfollowing" everyone who annoys you? You can use the "hide" button on Facebook to stop getting your friends' status updates—they'll never know—or use TwitterSnooze, a Web site that allows you to temporarily suspend tweets from someone you follow. (Warning: They'll get a notice from Twitter when you begin reading their tweets again.)

But these are really just Band-Aid tactics. To improve our interactions, we need to change our conduct, not just cover it up. First, watch your own behavior, asking yourself before you post anything: "Is this something I'd want someone to tell me?" "Run it by that focus group of one," says Johns Hopkins's Dr. Wallace.

And positively reward others, responding only when they write something interesting, ignoring them when they are boring or obnoxious. (Commenting negatively will only start a very public war.)

If all that fails, you can always start a new group: "Get Facebook to Create an Eye-Roll Button Now!"
Reply to message
How Facebook Ruins Friendships - 08/09/2009 04:24:31 AM 1549 Views
It's got Paul Ankas guarantee (guarantee void in Tennessee. ) - 08/09/2009 04:49:59 AM 817 Views
I have friends who fit this description - 08/09/2009 04:51:30 AM 769 Views
Re: Blah blah blah. - 08/09/2009 04:57:34 AM 981 Views
*adds Clover/Lupine seal of approval here* *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:55:37 AM 530 Views
Couldn't have said it any better *NM* - 08/09/2009 01:55:00 PM 538 Views
Leather and lace? - 08/09/2009 07:54:00 PM 936 Views
Re: They can if they want to! *NM* - 09/09/2009 09:41:56 AM 595 Views
I do love cute kittens *NM* - 09/09/2009 03:32:40 AM 473 Views
This is why I deleted you. *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:14:44 AM 559 Views
Aw - 08/09/2009 05:33:28 AM 907 Views
I should have seen that coming! *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:58:42 AM 564 Views
Thank all gods I never accepted her friend request. *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:53:43 AM 463 Views
You, sir, are a wise man. *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:58:58 AM 553 Views
Well, that would primarily be because you never got one. - 08/09/2009 06:07:05 AM 900 Views
Bah! The absolute truth should never get in the way of an amusing reply. - 08/09/2009 06:13:54 AM 855 Views
sneakysnack. - 08/09/2009 06:15:40 AM 971 Views
Feel me. Feel me not. Let me count the ways. - 08/09/2009 06:23:06 AM 752 Views
zzzz *NM* - 08/09/2009 05:37:13 AM 467 Views
A lot of these examples are very silly. - 08/09/2009 05:54:29 AM 909 Views
tl;dr - 08/09/2009 05:56:00 AM 819 Views
Also - 08/09/2009 06:15:16 AM 944 Views
Layer of Fritos, covered with chili, melted cheese, and diced onions. *NM* - 08/09/2009 06:22:38 AM 568 Views
Mmmmm *NM* - 08/09/2009 06:40:15 AM 542 Views
That sounds disgusting. *NM* - 08/09/2009 03:11:35 PM 404 Views
What a whiny idiot - 08/09/2009 07:11:04 AM 757 Views
Re: Some of the people quoted here do not sound like good friends at all. - 08/09/2009 07:40:28 AM 788 Views
Coming from this moron, I shall say this is why I refuse to accept some people's friend requests. - 08/09/2009 03:01:19 PM 804 Views
But see - 08/09/2009 03:53:27 PM 919 Views
I'm possibly not the healthiest person on earth, - 08/09/2009 09:34:50 AM 857 Views
Yes, yes we can scroll. But you know what - - 08/09/2009 03:02:43 PM 702 Views
Re: Yes, yes we can scroll. But you know what - - 08/09/2009 03:20:46 PM 814 Views
Thank you! - 08/09/2009 08:17:42 PM 839 Views
I agree - 08/09/2009 03:22:21 PM 867 Views
Lol, that's even a bit sicker than me. - 08/09/2009 08:18:19 PM 761 Views
Great article. People have become utter narcisists on Facebook. - 08/09/2009 02:58:47 PM 745 Views
THe link I replied with above is useful - 08/09/2009 03:22:30 PM 881 Views
Thanks - 08/09/2009 03:52:21 PM 873 Views
Um - 08/09/2009 03:45:26 PM 895 Views
No. - 08/09/2009 03:51:06 PM 755 Views
Right - 08/09/2009 03:57:09 PM 836 Views
"Become"?? *NM* - 08/09/2009 06:14:47 PM 495 Views
Well - 08/09/2009 03:06:43 PM 830 Views
<3 for you. - 08/09/2009 03:07:49 PM 806 Views
*NM* - 08/09/2009 03:50:01 PM 530 Views
"Jack, you have blocked the application Posting Articles on CMB." *NM* - 08/09/2009 03:22:13 PM 478 Views
*NM* - 09/09/2009 03:20:03 PM 485 Views
Well... - 08/09/2009 03:26:46 PM 898 Views
That's my thought too. *NM* - 08/09/2009 09:23:46 PM 458 Views
I crearted a Facebook account - 08/09/2009 08:56:57 PM 849 Views
What a load of bull! - 09/09/2009 12:06:11 AM 788 Views
If people don't want to see a million updates... - 09/09/2009 03:17:20 PM 858 Views
I completely agree. And now that my mom is on FaceBook, I've been using it a lot less. - 10/09/2009 03:56:47 PM 984 Views
Saved you a lot of trouble, eh? - 10/09/2009 04:09:23 PM 808 Views
Yep, b/c she was crazy. - 10/09/2009 04:46:08 PM 1084 Views
Re: Yep, b/c she was crazy. - 10/09/2009 05:00:14 PM 846 Views
Re: Yep, b/c she was crazy. - 10/09/2009 05:46:22 PM 1036 Views
Re: Yep, b/c she was crazy. - 10/09/2009 05:49:26 PM 646 Views

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